my mask

Good morning @Change123, I am not sure if this will help you but I have had my conversation over-ruled for many a year. It is very de-moralising, distroying of the soul, be-littleing and more. It broke me over and over to the point where I broke down totally (over and over) appologising for what I had said even though my gut told me I had a point of view. I am not saying I was right or my ideas were correct all the time. What I am trying to say is that my voice was shut down, my ideas were not considered, my wants and wishes were not met.

This over many years made me into a suicidal worthless mess. There was one day that I self harmed for a simple conversation that went bad between my son and I. It was then that I realise that he had learnt the behaviour of what he had witnessed as a child.

That was the day I turned my life around as it was not his fault, that is what he had learnt. From that day on I decided that I was not going to let him be subjected to this any more. He is a good kid and needed to be directed in a different way.

I picked myself up and decided that I needed to be the one to direct him. This was a very very hard thing to do as I was so far down. Over the last couple of months I have lifted myself up. No not an easy road and I am still finding my feet. Some days, no I don't want to get out of bed let alone move.

When having a conversation/confrintation with my husband now, I do take time to think of what he has said and think about what I am about to say. Some times it works and other time it doesn't.

I my relationship, having MI as meant that I have been over-ruled of a lot of decissions in life, some I have gotten over but some I havn't and I don't know if I ever will.

Please take care of yourself and you too @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @BlueBay, @esprit,

Thank you for the conversations and posts. I do follow and respond where I can. About to start Christmas Hours at work so I will post/respond where I can.

Luv you all and thank you.

Hello @Heart

I can remember feeling not heard when I was young to the point I stopped saying anything. Also being subjected to childhood abuse. My needs were not meant at all and I did not have the confidence then to make them heard, I did t have the role model or guidance to know how. It's very demoralising and oppressive. I resorted to alcohol - unwise choice which I learnt. I haven't drank hardly at all now for over 30 yrs.

Now if ever my needs are not meant or I am outrightly disrespected I make myself heard. Not with anger or self destruction but speaking out respectfully. If others talk over me I wait to they are finish and say "can I speak now", and calmly state my case. If then it continues I move away from the people whom are treating me this way and surround myself in a more positive environment if possible. No one should ever put up with being disrespected.

It was beautiful to read that the love for your son helped you overcome self destructive patterns. Yes, behaviours can be learned. Your a good mother and worth your weight in gold. In my opinion parenting is not only the hardest job in the world but the most important.

I also, like you, had to learn to think before I spoke. That is the best thing to do. Even though we don't always get the desired results we go away with no regrets or remorse for hurtful words said that we cannot take back, and clear conscience. So we win this way regardless and grow as a person knowing we did our best; not walking away with a heavy heart. Very good for sound mental health. And we are expressing ourselves in a healthier way that seeks not to harm.

Sometimes there can be stigma with MI or even used against us when we state an opinion in the attempt to demean it. What I do there is to keep politely stating it as after thinking it though, implementing logical reasons as to why I state what I do - once. I refuse to argue. The seed has been planted and gives others something to think about as I think about what they say. That's a mutually respectful relationship in my opinion and where either compromise can be met or I bite the bullet of humility admitting I was wrong and I grow from it, or visa versa.

Yes, there are many days that it's hard to rise out of bed when under stress, unwell or anxious/depressed. It's good to read that you are pushing yourself as I have found that has helped me tremendously and I always feel better for it. A good counter attack on depression.

You sound like you are growing in strength and resilience @Heart - which is inspiring. Thank you and sending lots of love right back at you 🌹

@Former-Member, You made my mascarra run in the most wonderful way. Thank you for you kind words and support.

I have come a long way but I know there is still alot I have to achieve is strength and resilience.

This forum has been the best thing for me. The support/help/guidence of knowing other of like mind and issues.

Love you, thank you, take care.

Dear @Former-Member if you click on your own name, then you can access all your posts.

Sometimes I go back and read what I wrote .. to notice how I was, maybe to edit, if I felt I said too much about another person and did not want to compromise their anonymity .. or whatever.

I can strongly relate to all that has been said here. Thank you.

@Heart@Former-Member Thanks for your input.

I guess thats part of it never being heard when I was a child (children were meant to be seen but not heard era) and now I just get so frustrated, to me I'm talking perfect sense and being logical but to him its all a gibberish and he makes of it what he wants but if I try to say thats not what I want I get called manipulative because he thinks I'm trying to upset him and then when I make him mad I apologise as if my job is done - its not that at all - I just wish he could understand from my point.

Anyway I'm still working on my emotional disciplines and since the last few days have been very bad at home my main objective is to stay calm at work and at home - so far so good. Every time I notice I'm getting all angry about something I walk away from it - for once I'm really thinking about my needs to get well instead of others. Its funny we all get told we have no empathy yet most of will be willing to help others instead of ourselves - I dont know maybe thats a distraction of some sort.

I hope everyone has a good day!

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@Change123 wrote:

@Heart@Former-Member Thanks for your input.

Anyway I'm still working on my emotional disciplines and since the last few days have been very bad at home my main objective is to stay calm at work and at home - so far so good. Every time I notice I'm getting all angry about something I walk away from it - for once I'm really thinking about my needs to get well instead of others. Its funny we all get told we have no empathy yet most of will be willing to help others instead of ourselves - I dont know maybe thats a distraction of some sort.

I hope everyone has a good day!

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Hi @Change123

That's a real step forward in growth when we learn to know when to walk away rather than act on anger and frustration. And it's not always easy (I know this when my daughter pushes). It does help our mental health as we retain our inner peace/equilibrium by not arguing and prevents escalating a situation making it worse.

Most of us who have suffered grief and emotional/mental pain are willing to help others because we know to well the misery they are going through. Even at times subconsciously the better part of us, those protective instincts/conscience, can kick in to try and either prevent or heal attacks/injustices on others. Those attacks we suffered ourselves that wounded...This is a good thing if it's not at the detriment of ourselves (i.e. being used or taken advantage of). It sometimes takes discernment but is a good thing 😊

A lack of empathy is someone whom has hardened their hearts against these instincts through either anger, bitterness, revenge, ruthlessness, hatred, arrogance, ignorance (not understanding the pain because of lack of care or understanding), greed, drive for power, and/or the height of selfishness. Then we have to ask who really are the sick ones?

@Former-Member

Don't let it rattle you my friend. Perhaps staying with the one thread on the other side is less confusing/stressful for you. Do what you feel comfortable with and what helps you the most. Hugs 💕

@mohil

Thanks, sometimes I feel the reason I'm so stressed is that I have BPD and I'm trying to deal wiht others peoples issues ontop of that, partly my partner, my bosses at have real issues and are always yelling and screaming. Same scenario when I left work last night the female boss went crazy at me for something the receptionist apparently has done, talking to her this morning it was not true but during this 15 minute tirade of carrying on I just took a deep breath and settled her down. I think with the people around me who certainly have some sort of issues I think myproblem is that in a way I'm trying to calm them down to calm me down and Its getting too much for me. Having to deal with arrogant, rude, cruel people all the time doesnt give me much opportunity to really really wind down so I'm always in this fight/ flight response. But I keeping calm at the moment.

Thanks again

hello @Change123

yes that is spot on.

i am constantly thinking about how i should be responding. alert to the other person's emotions.

these last 8 days, i have spoken to so many people within the mental health industry and police departments. i am just astounded that there are so many who clearly dont like their job.

I must live in lala land because i automatically assume before i speak to a person in that field that they are going to be a people person,experienced in dealing with people who are going through traumatic experiences. a few are very good but the majority are not.

i am left, exhausted, deflated, drained , irate, flabbergasted and a mess. i keep saying that i am going to stop writing on here and yet i am drawn back. i need to write down my thoughts. years ago i kept a journal. perhaps i should just go back to that. i really am lost.