Boundaries

My feeling is that emailing a therapist would be a no. I would be organising a visit if I needed to chat with them. This is my opinion only and no reflection on anyone else. If I was in hospital then calling for a nurse to chat is a given, even encouraged. So as you say boundaries.

Hi @BlueBay,

I get the feeling that your therapist was trying to teach you to respect his boundaries, by asking you not to email him, but that his methods didn't work for you.

I don't think sending emails is in itself a problem, but repeatedly doing so when you could leave it until you see your therapist in person to discuss whatever it is then, is a bit of a problem.... in my eyes.

If it were a real emergency, you might have called Lifeline or triple zero. If it weren't an emergency, then it could have waited until you saw him. I believe that is what he wanted you to realize.

However, emails are usually pretty harmless things, as they are very easy to ignore! I don't think you would have upset him too much.

Writing more and more serious content in an effort to get your therapist to reply does sound a bit 'manipulative' to me. ( if you want to call it that) I understand that your intention was not to manipulate, but that it might have been perceived that way.

The term manipulative has very negative connotations.... when in fact most people try to sway things to go their own way.... look at how children behave, for example, most of them are very manipulative: it's quite natural.

As we become mature and responsible adults we learn that trying to manipulate people is a bit of a no-no. Although it hasn't stopped the advertising industry making millions by deliberately playing on peoples insecurities... another form of manipulation.

When you say that your therapist "told you off", can you be more specific? Did he explain how your emails came across to him and ask for your response? Did he ask you how you felt when he didn't answer your emails? Did you discuss your feelings of rejection? This would have been more constructive than simple "telling off" someone.

Maybe he just wasn't the right therapist for you! Perhaps you didn't really respect his opinions?

If you felt he was treating you like a child, then I can understand why you might not have wanted to listen to him.

Best of luck with the new therapist.

Hi @BlueBay

Sorry I keep laughing to myself with you because its like we are twins. I have boundary issues and thats why my partner doesnt trust me. Not that I would go off with someone but I often say more than is needed and often bring things up when I shouldnt. I can understand your frustration and how you emailed your therapist and I would probably do the same if in a bad state of mind but like @Arjay said that too is breaking a boundary.

I too would like to know how we can stop this, my partner is trying to give me rules about work which are extreme but he says I need that to ensure I dont cross boundaries. (eg dont talk about home at work and vice versa) mainly so I dont say too much about my private life, he is very private and says to him thats breaking a boundary. I guess the problem is we never had boundaries installed in us when we were young so its hard to determine what is breaking a boundary sometimes.

I agree with @Sahara but I cant help it making my blood boil being called "manipulative"- its not you Sahara its me and I think thats more of a defensive reaction. My partner always says I'm being maniuplative and I'm not intentionally, sometimes I do things without even thinking about it and he says its manipulative. I get the connection with what you are saying about children and how we are supposed to be kids that never grew up emotionally but I guess what they dont realise is that we dont do this on purpose - well I dont (I dont sit there and think if I act this way I will get that etc etc) I just act.

What can practical things can we do to learn boundaries and stop being manipualtive?

Hi @Change123,

I think you have brought up some excellent points! There would be many, many people out there who are being branded with the label 'manipulative', when in fact they do not perceive anything wrong with their own behaviour and do not do it intentionally... it feels natural and normal to them. And I actually believe it is kind of normal to try and get our own way.... to an extent.

We all try to survive the best way we can.... but with therapy and time and practice we can learn to behave in ways that are more socially acceptable and will ultimately bring us better results and happier lives.... the ultimate goal is improved happiness.

We really do need a trained, experienced therapist to help with adapting our behaviour and becoming less manipulative. It's not something you can learn in one day.

However, I would be very wary of someone in your life who continually labels your behaviour as 'manipulative'. Ask them to explain in depth what it is that bothers them about how you are doing things. It could just be that this person doesn't like the way you do things and is resorting to this label, 'manipulative' as a tool to keep you in check.

It's similar to someone saying "that's inappropriate" when what they really mean is that they, personally have some kind of issue with it, but they don't want to talk about it ... it's a great way to shut someone down and get to feel superior at the same time!

Why would your partner not want you to talk about your work at home? Almost everyone talks about their jobs. Why wouldn't they?

I'm just wondering if your partner doesn't feel like supporting you in your career as he is too busy or tired, so he came up with an extreme (as you call it) boundary that prevents you from saying anything!

@Sahara

The reason being I was in a job and I gave it priority over home life. It was the first job where I was made to feel like I had worth etc and made some bad choices and put it infront of my relationship. So ohe is constantly worried that will happen again which I dont blame. 😞

Hi @Change123,

I'm just wondering if you did indeed put your job before your home life or was your husband the only person who thought that you were doing this?

There are certainly times when someone may have to put their job before their home life... I am thinking of an emergency room doctor who has to work over-time because they are understaffed and a patient is in the middle of a cardiac arrest.... this happens.

I mean, it could potentially happen is just about any job.

As long as your husband explained to you exactly how this effected him and you felt his explanations made sense and you could adapt your work life in response...

It's not just that he had issues with your success and felt threatened, is it?

@Sahara

Some of it I think yes he was threatened.

I was travelling a bit for work a week here and week there, maybe once every 2 months for about 12 months and he was going through a bad time and didnt want me to go but I chose to keep going. I guess with work I have this perception "I have to its work" without taking my personal situation into account - always ready to please thats me! Except at home for some reason - sometimes I wonder if I'm subconsciouly trying to sabotage this relationship because down deep inside I dont want this anymore but cant end it myself?? I dont know, so now I make a point of putting home life first which can go against you in a work environment. If I do too much overtime (dont get paid for it) I get hassled that I'm not thinking of us and putting work first etc etc.

Look I'm fully aware that he has issue but the problem is he wont admit to it, sometimes when he has had a few drinks he will say stuff like he realises he could handle things better etc etc but when I bring that up during a conflict it just aggravates him more. He is very isolated and blames me when really we could work around things as he doesnt have a car but he doesnt want to. He is the one that is always claiming to be the victim in all this at my hands -I just dont know anymore. I know going to a pyschologist would probably help, just having someone to bounce my thoughts off as I dont have family that I can talk to and I dont have any friends so all I know is what he tells me. Its very confusing for me and part of my major struggle with getting better I think.

Hi @Sahara

I knew i shouldn't have put anything on here. Having BPD is a hard and difficult diagnosis to deal with. And when you're in your late 40's (at the time) to be told that I have BPD is really hard. Because I have been doing this all my life, without realising what i was doing.

People may not believe me, but I am not a manipulative person. I don't do things purposely to get someone's attention. I do things without realising and then BANG i get into trouble.

I did respect his opinions otherwise I wouldn't have stayed for 5 yrs.

He did explain to me why I shouldn't be emailing him becuse he is very busy and it could wait until i saw him. i did tell him how it made me feel abandoned and rejected.

I can't remember if you have BPD? I find this extremely difficult to talk about. Maybe i shouldn't have posted

Hi @BlueBay

don't stop posting. my Gp when she wrote a letter for me back .....a long time ago... had to check with my pdoc if he diagnosed BPD or MDD to make sure they said the same. I know i am BPD but over the years, many of them I have tempered my responses. Think my last outburst was quite a few years ago now . In front of my stepdaughter of over 25 years old wonder what she thought!! I try really hard here to just post my experience. Use as much or as little as you like it's good with me. I am not a doctor so I try really hard not to recommend any course of action. I only try to help.

Remember

You are loved.

Cheers

Thanks @Arjay xxoo