Far and Away

I did . and now I am awake again.... ❣️

@Zoe7

You should head to bed then Hon @Faith-and-Hope

Easier said than done .... lol .... I might be awake, but do I have the energy to get up and move ? That is the question .... 😏

Do you have to actually clear the side yard before you could start putting pots there @Zoe7 ? Or is it something that you could gradually change out ? .... as in place a couple of pots there, then move one piece of junk, then place another pot, then remove some more junk, adding it into your weekly bin ? I have achieved a lot this way, and it's how I have started the monumental task of putting this house back into order .... building up one charity bag at a time ... in small shopping bags.

I have alot of my timber and pavers stacked there also @Faith-and-Hope so it is a little harder to clear out atm. I don't have anywhere else to put it all until I can sort out the garage - and the roof and guttering needs to be done first (and that is something I can neither afford nor have the physical energyto do at present - which is very frustrating). I also have 2 half wine barrels that are great for herbs but they are falling apart and I don't have the energy to fix those either - was going to put them in the front yeard with bulbs but being sick stopped that idea

I still have so much 'stuff' thrown in the spare room from school (so will need a few days notice if you need the spare room lol) and somuch also in the garage - it is too overwhelming for me atm - I honestly don't even know what day it is half the time I really am not in a very good way!

I have felt overwhelmed by my hose in the same sort of way @Zoe7 ..... but it has been a repeated devastation .... it feels like building a house of cards, and someone opening a door can cause a gust of wind that blows it down again .... tried to tell WH that a few years ago now .... with everyone just dumping clutter around the house, but always having excuses for not coming back to help clean up .... I went on striike .... just doing the basics but unable to hold the rest together. Think of your spare room spilling out all over the house .....

Its really hard for me cos I find peace in orderliness .... not that I am rigid about it and can't stand for things to be out of place, it's more that it's a bit of an art form to arrange the world around me with balance and joy, choosing to make everyday objects both pretty and functional at the same time. That way when they are out of place, it doesn't really matter cos they're still pleasing to the eye .... and they migrate back to where they belong anyway.

Ummm .... that would be "house" .... 😏

I am even worse @Faith-and-Hope I like things to be ordered and organised - even my books (usually) on the bookshelves are organised by fiction and non-fiction, then in subject and then by size. All my art/craft stuff is in see-through containers that I can stack easily. Even simple things like towels are stacked by colour. I really cannot function in 'mess' - my brain just not cope with it.

I can know if someone has moved something (even a pen) as I can literally 'see' in my mind the picture of how things should be and know if something is missing.

Around 20ish years ago I had a pretty dramatic car accident. I rolled my mother's car over an embankment (about a 4-5 metre drop) and rolled it completely twice. I turned a gemini into a mini convertable. The grass was up to a metre high in places. But I knew where everything from the car had landed and everything was recovered - even the 1cm pin out of my watch that was ripped off my wrist. It is both a blessing and a curse. This is why my 'memories' or so debilitating - I remember too much

I remember a lot too .... but not quite the same way .....

I can recall moments from my early childhood, like a favourite dress, and where I was wearing it, and who was there, and how I felt at the time .... they are like snapshots .... I "see" and feel them. I didn't realise this was unusual until the psychologist I am seeing commented to the fact,

I understand what you mean @Zoe7 .....

I can remember a couple of things from when I was nearly one, around 2 years old and about four - very clear memories - what I was doing, where I was, what I was wearing. The other memories are of course when I was a little older - and that does make it very difficult to deal with. It is so hard to have had these 'memories' brought back to the surface after 'locking them away for so long'. I don't think anyone could have foreseen the extent of what I would 'remember' (even me) and how 'real' and detailed they would be. I know everyone remembers things in their own way but remembering so clearly these 'things' really does add another level to the trauma.

@Faith-and-Hope are you ready to face-plant yet lol

This is a favourite image I gave, and you will understand why .... 🤗 .... but it helps to understand why it is so hard to put my home back together too.

We / I had designed our previous home around the way we live, so the facility we had there suited us so well. There were compromises .... the kids were outgrowing the size of their rooms, for instance .... but it meant that moving to this house I lost a lit of organisational facility. We still have boxes that haven't been unpacked. Although this is a larger house overall. It was designed around a four-member famiky, so things like the pantry cupboard, and linen press are too small for us. I would have kept layering in small utility cupboards and display cabinets etc, however WH was already unwell, as we now know, and has refused to add in the extra facility, meanwhile getting up set that the order of the house won't hold up .... it's a "catch-22".

I still don't know what difference will come from his being diagnosed and treated, or how long that will take, but zit means I am a bit stuck ....

To try to teach him about this in our previous home, when the kids were small, I used plastic drawers and baskets to organise things that we didn't have facility for. He finally "got it" because he hated the look of all the plastic storage stuff (as much as I did ... lol .... but the organisation was what I needed more than aesthetics). That triggered a new round of renovation - built-in cabinetry ....

I now understand that a lot of the chaos we have lived has been a result of his underlying disorder. He needs the excitement of challenge and change cos it feeds the restlessness of his condition, but at the same time he is seeking "perfection", so there is a relentless drive to control everyone and everything ...

I don't know whether the e.d. triggered the ocpd to a new level, or visa versa .... I expect we will find out in time ....