Hi guys ....
My turn to just breathe today ....
Upset WH this morning .... his e.d. came up in conversation indirectly and I refused to answer a question he asked me at first cos it meant entering the "no-fly zone" he has set up, where he is pretending his e.d. behaviours don't exist and we are all supposed to pretend along with him ... it's that surreal area where I am not sure whether he is actually believing his own fabrication or not ....
Anyway, he pressed me for an answer, so I warned him it meant mentioning the unmentionable, and he again pressed me to try to understand what I was alluding to ... so there it was, I was in the no-fly zone telling him that it distressed me to engage with behaviours that are connected to hidden behaviours, and that those hidden behaviours represent an illness, which he doesn't believe is one.
And I stated that he is hostile at the mention of it, so what am I supposed to do in this situation ? We are at an impasse ....
It was clear this hit him like a body-blow .... which is where I'm not sure whether he was believing his own hype, or whether he thought the c / s behaviour was so well hidden that I was supposed to be believing it no longer existed, or what ... ?
In any case, I think he was thinking he had established a status quo that enabled him to have a normal family life and an e.d. co-existing harmoniously ... and I've just rocked that boat to its core ....
Whoopsy ....
But I have to operate in my own integrity, or not be me .... and I don't know how long for ... and I am also of the belief that I have to keep standing passively-aggressively against this thing, cos it's wrong, and it's destroying him, and therefore us, without his awareness that that is what is happening ....
Well .... he was passively-aggressively ignoring me this morning, but we have just Skyped D1 and SIL who are back from honeymoon, and that seems to have softened things a bit ... so maybe it's gonna be more okay than I thought earlier today. He's still going to have to process it though.
Let you know what happens.
He's gone out shopping with his mum, and I'm going sight-seeing on my own (missing D1 who woulda come with me in a heartbeat). He also cancelled out of lunch with the kids and me ....
Oh well ... on we go ....
Praying some light gets into his awareness. He is having to run warm water over his fingers and toes when he gets home from jogging cos they've turned white and numb, and he is cross cos his eye is not healing ... eating his own food before we go anywhere ....
Sigh ....
I'm okay .... but rattled in the moment this morning, but it's still just a variation on the same theme .... so I'm not really upset .... just a bit nervous about whether he will become really reactive again. Probably just more emotionally removed from me if anything, but we're doing okay as house-mates anyway ....
💜🌷
