Just checking in.

Thanks for posting Teej

Yes I guess these feelings come in waves and its easy to feel like you are out of step with life but I think youll find that the members who have come to know you well will remain supportive throughout. The forum is available anytime when you feel the need to connect. At your own pace.

Regards

NiteKat (mod)

I'd like a coffee @CheerBear but just for now I hope it's ok over here. 🙏

I've missed you heaps and have been caught up in my own ridiculous mind games.

I'm actually not sure what to say @CheerBear. I've found myself down a twisty rabbit hole that I'm not sure how to get out of. I'm a little scared of talking about it because it feels a bit far from left field.

how are you?

That's really great about still standing @CheerBear . It sounds so stressful and argh about the kids being home and being so isolated. Have you still got siblings help there? I can't imagine the not seeing mr part. Do you still have unwell one around? I've been wondering about what's been happening.

i still have psych and therapist. Therapist has had to do some life saving activities over the last few weeks. She stepped up when I needed her most. Psych is still here too and supportive. She only heard about my dark place yesterday. She is supportive. I couldn't make yesterday's appointment because I had to have a precautionary Covid test because I'd had a sore throat. I got my negative results back last night and see her for an appointment on Monday. Some of the left of field stuff has to do with her in a round about way.

I can imagine the catch 22 with 4th child thing @CheerBear . And a big ugh for the tiny space. I imagine you'd have a big who is growing more into that adult space a bit as well. I'm so glad you got time with unwell one before lockdown. I hope they can hang on until after lockdown again. Covid has had its swings and roundabouts.

We lasted until a few weeks ago all living here together 24/7 as they were still working from home. It became really intense towards the end when we were sick of each other. S1 has finally left the nest. I still have a s4 living here but only 2 or 3 nights a week and we tend to be a bit like ships in the night. He's been working lots.

ive lost access to my respite program now, a casualty of Covid. Previously there was a budget for those not on ndis but that's been soaked up with extra Covid costs. It was something I've needed. Even though I have my own space again, mentally I think I've needed that safety net for when I fall.

It's good to know when to stop with sucky and dark, twisty Covid stuff @CheerBear . Look at you with all that self care stuff going on 😜😘.

S4 g probably has only stayed here one night for the whole year. We get along well but her home is quite different from this one with much more space and less clutter, and she is in the final rundown to finishing her degree. She has her last placement now so life is busy for her.

i hope I ok to wait until Monday for psych. It feels doable still. I wrote her a letter yesterday which she read and then talked by phone about. I was really glad that we got to talk about it not face to face. I cried lots on the phone. She didn't see this coming which was part of the difficulty for me. I think in a way it had been building for a while. In my head I was screaming wanting her to know I was not ok and that I wasn't doing as well as she thought I was. It was during/after that appointment that I broke again. I got through but only using unhelpful coping strategies. It was fueled by messy hormones and fighting urges whilst being home alone was trickier. I think there's a small bit of hope that we can find a way forward again. I was feeling lots of big scary abandonment feelings because I thought if I wasn't doing better or said the wrong thing she'd leave me. I can't go back to that place again.

Much of my dark twisty stuff is really about feeling completely defeated. I'm not achieving anything I set out to do. I've curled up in a ball and given up. I'm not sure what it will take to uncurl and really try again. I guess Monday is the Hope day for that.

how many days a week are you working? It sounds really busy and challenging. Are you doing ok with it?