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I thought I'd start a discussion where we can check in with members and use this space to keep in contact. It's a space to be able to say how you really feel and it's a space for the good, the bad and the ugly moments in our lives.
In response to: Just checking in.
CheerBearSenior Contributor
In response to: Re: Just checking in.
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
More big hugs @Teej 💜
In response to: Re: Just checking in.
TeejSenior Contributor
Part one @CheerBear , @Zoe7 , @Faith-and-Hope (thankful your name was in the recents - yay for small wins) @Snowie , @eth , @Sans911 , and whoever else is listening 👂 👀.
For me the lawyer stuff is messy. This is my vulnerable stuff but not for the reasons most would think....although there is lots of that too. My head and heart stuff keep getting messed up. When my brother did all the bank statements he freaked out when he realised I’d contributed over 80% including paying the mortgage when we were together. Ever since then my family, therapist, friends and psych have all advised (sometimes begged) for me to hand this to the lawyer to get a fair deal. Yesterday I finally succumbed and went into the lawyer thinking it can go straight to court and a judge would decide what is fair and I would accept that. I had struggled for asking for an amount because I didn’t know what was fair. I was also petrified of causing my ex too much pain or anger. I don’t hate him and never will. He has been really good to deal with when getting my stuff out. I had finally come to understand that like many of us I would have walked away with way less than I deserved in order to make it easier and with less conflict. And to tell the truth if I didn’t have my brother who’s got my back so completely that’s what I would have done.
The truth bomb yesterday was that it can’t go directly to court. I have to nominate a figure and then he can counter offer until an agreement is reached or not. If we can’t reach an agreement then a judge will decide but that process may take a year. I really didn’t want to nominate a figure. The lawyer did and my friend had my back making sure I went through with it. My nature would have been to succumb and procrastinate but I had the weight of everybody who loves me and those that I think care for me (psych and therapist). I went with the overwhelming census hoping it is ok.
The next bit I really want to write here but it is more sensitive. I can hopefully write it and it be ok. It is about me and my messed upness. The thing is I still want to get the last stuff out the house before he gets the letter. I don’t want to be in the middle of that conflict. I’m not taking anything that is of use to him as such and 99% of the stuff we are taking out is my kids stuff. I also feel like it’s my responsibility to clean up some areas like the kids bedrooms as well. But I will struggle to find the box mentally to not feel......guilty, empathy, compassion etc for what happens next even though I haven’t done anything wrong to feel guilty over. This is one of my Achilles heels, feeling like someone is going to hurt because of my actions regardless of the motivation behind them and facing them knowing that.
End of part one. 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes: please don’t feel compelled to respond. I’m ok if there is nothing to say.
In response to: Re: Just checking in.
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Same Achilles heel here @Teej 👋
So proud of you ..... ❣️
In response to: Re: Just checking in.
Zoe7Senior Contributor
I fully understand you not wanting to be the one that is at the centre of any hurt that might happen @Teej but I am super glad you have had so much support around you to ask for what you deserve. You have put more into the house than your ex and you should get back more as a result = that is only fair Hon.
I hope you can get in and clear some things out before he gets the letter - that may seem like you are undermining him or treating him badly but it is protection for yourself - and again you deserve that. Sometimes we need to do those things even though it feels icky at the time in order to take the steps to move forward ...and you are doing that and I am very proud of you 
In response to: Re: Just checking in.
TeejSenior Contributor
Thanks @Zoe7 , @Faith-and-Hope . It helps that you get it. 💜🤗
In response to: Re: Just checking in.
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
It will make a difference for your kids too @Teej .... keep that highlighted in your thinking ...., it’s about them too. They need to see you stepping up because it helps heal their heart-strings too.
In response to: Re: Just checking in.
ethSenior Contributor
Hey @Teej the only time I went through a property settlement I was ripped off in a major way by my ex. So all I can do is urge you to continue. I'm very glad to hear you have good support out there, people who've got your back. I agree with @Faith-and-Hope that sticking to your guns will be a good example to your kids. Best wishes, thinking of you. And very brave sharing. Great to see you have solid support here too.
In response to: Re: Just checking in.
TeejSenior Contributor
Part Two
@CheerBear , @Zoe7 , @Faith-and-Hope @Snowie , @eth , @Sans911 , @Appleblossom ( I didn’t tag you last time, for no other reason than I didn’t want to bother you. I love when you tag me to know what’s happening for you so I’m returning the courtesy) @Gazza75, @outlander (under the likes) and whoever else is listening 👂 👀.
My diagnosis.
Even though I kind of knew I didn’t. The book that my psych is getting me to read is causing extreme SI. I can’t read more than a chapter at a time without a complete breakdown. I’m becoming more and more neurotic with everything. The more I read the more fear and the more reality hits in a way I hadn’t expected.
I have lived my 5 decades doing everything possible to make life harder. People around me with the best of intentions have made my life more complex than it should have been. Mental Health professionals have exacerbated things in my life. I was treated or misdiagnosed in such a way that I have been left dishevelled and paralysed.
I have learned why my brain doesn’t work the way it should and has lead me to such a contradictory life full of shame and masks.
Theres no denying that my ex and his actions created a level of trauma that I have struggled with for years but beyond that my stuckness is entrenched in a lifetime of making things worse and not understanding that they could be better.
I don’t know what to do about reading the book. I know I need to finish it but my body is actually possibly having small traumatic reactions every time I do as it is bringing up so many extreme emotions. SI is so quick and impulsive lately. I’ve managed to get through so far. I feel like my behaviour and emotions are so disproportionate to the diagnosis.
In response to: Re: Just checking in.
TeejSenior Contributor
Oops @eth I’m so sorry you lost out. It is horrible that so many women walk away without very much at all, especially in dv relationship but also others. Thanks for the support.
PS there are more parts of my mess that are in high rotation all at once.
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.
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