Just checking in.

Just checking in @TheVorticon to say hi and that I hope this weekend has some good in it for you somewhere. That's all really 🎮

I left my parent's house after only arriving again yesterday and planning on being there for the week. I've struggled hugely with the tension and the way he has been taking things out on her, and to an extent on me also. I get that what he's going through is so awful but it's been stressful, hurtful and really hard to tolerate. This morning he crossed a line of mine and snapped badly at one of my kids. Kid did absolutely nothing to deserve it and nothing wrong. It sucked so much.

I felt my brain go bang. It's one thing to take crap out on other adults (it's not OK though) but it is a whole different thing, to me at least, to do it to kids. Even if it was a one off oops, for me it isn't a one off oops in this situation. It is a whole life of dealing with his stuff. It's a lifetime of watching the toll it has taken on mum. And so important to me and my little family, it is the years my kids and I lived being in the firing line of someone else's frustration and anger. I felt so bad for mum who is now on her own with it. I told her I was sorry but that I couldn't and wouldn't have the kids around while he is like that. I left with her in tears saying that she was going to pay for it (in an emotional kind of way). I know that is not on me, but far out it feels like it is right now.

If he died tomorrow (which he won't) I think I would know that I have done as much as I could to try and allow him the chance to spend quality time with people who love him dearly, even through his crappy behaviour. I've tried so hard to put my own pain and hurt about the dad he is (and isn't) in the past. I've bent over backwards to support them both and be there for them as much as I and we can. It's been full on at times but until now I have just kept on keeping on through it. I think maybe it has reached the point where it is too much for me to deal with at the moment. I think I did the right thing in calling enough where it was today and if anything maybe I should have called it sooner. It feels wrong right now though. I have lots of conflicting, jumbled up feelings happening today. This rollercoaster sucks 🙁

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope. It's so hard to work at boundaries at the best of times, but boundaries with someone going through this feels impossible 🙁 It's like I'm stuffed if I do and stuffed if I don't.

Totally sucks.

Huge hugs to you for the tough stuff you navigate. So good to have you back x