Just checking in.

Yep I actually did ask for a novel and I’m glad I got one @CheerBear 😘.

My sense of identity and self has always been shaky. I think I have a notion of who I want to be but can’t ever seem to get there.

The thing that has thrown me is that my psych thinks I have adhd (without the h) and that explains everything. She wants to keep major depression as a diagnosis that is controlled through medication. She wants to take the pd away. The irony is since I’ve read a bit more about adhd I can see the overlap with disordered personality traits as well. The line is blurred.

Things like emotion regulation problems can be explained through adhd as can a few others. I think that one of the things that is going through my mind is that if it is not then what. It’s like pulling me apart again and then thinking there will never be an end to this.

She wants to medicate me for adhd. She feels like much of my anxiety comes from adhd. I am feeling so overwhelmed with it. I feel like the timing of this is hugely difficult with all that going on. My therapist thinks this is all destabilising at a time I need stability and predictability more than ever. She believes a change of meds at this point in time would be a risk.

For me its just feeling like like a minefield. It’s thrown my sense of self and identity into disarray again. I don’t feel like I have that stable core to guide me. I still feel like a different person everyday and that makes it so hard to strive for goals. My goals change with my mood and ??? (The weather who knows) often daily. It often feels like chaos in my brain.

Sorry for the ramble. I think I may have gotten off topic. I think I have lots of questions for others so I can find out how my brain is similar to others and how it is different. Maybe when I get a sense of that I’ll be able to find a sense of stability and self and identity. I think I’m ok with having something under the neurodiverse umbrella. I think the challenge is to find these bits and work on the good bits and the unhelpful bits.

It was this that my therapist helped put me back together on Saturday night. I think I was looking for answers in a diagnosis. She told me that what I have been experiencing in the last few weeks as far as she could see was trauma which floored me at first. I guess I can see it now but even trauma for me comes out differently :face_with_rolling_eyes:.

Hoping your fish are feeling a bit better today. I just got a call to say mine wouldn’t be here until tea time 😏. Be warned there may be more novels I ask you to write 🤗🤗😘

@CheerBear I need to respond further to your post. I lost sight of lots in my response. Life is very confusing at the moment. I know now is not the time. I also know that maybe some of this stuff has to come out with my psych or I’ll never come unstuck and will eventually suicide. Sorry for the heavy.

Im ok. Just very lost and sad and scared and alone with my thoughts.

Thanks @CheerBear . I want to be able to share my stuff here but often when I do I become overly self conscious that I’m not like anyone else. Then that starts all the usual negative internal dialogue. I genuinely want people to share their experiences when I ask questions, and although it didn’t come across in my emotion filled post, I was so grateful for your answer. 💜🤗

You ok @CheerBear ?

Probably going much the same as you @CheerBear . I have my psych this afternoon.

So sorry you are having those dreams again. Is this still on the back of a few things that happened recently with past relationships? Its ok not to answer too.

I think my reaction to stress has been :pile_of_poo: where I now have to finish cleaning up the not quite making it to the 🚽. I just need to disinfect and hope 🤞🏻 that it is just stress. I don’t feel sick.

I have lots to do re the house stuff which I’m still not coping particularly well with. And the feeling like a different person everyday is causing some distress still. Like you I guess I have to ride it out.

💜😊