Just checking in.

It is often much easier for others to see what we need to do before we can do it ourselves @Teej and that is especially hard when we empathise with the other party involved. Despite it being a tricky situation for everyone involved there are some things in our lives that we have to be slightly selfsih about - that does not make us bad people but quite the opposite - it is about looking after ourselves so we can be there for others. You certainly have a lot of empathy but you also need to care for yourself That part I know is a work in progress but you are getting there bit by bit and that is wonderful to see

Something else to throw into the mix @Teej ..... think of what needs to be divided as a big pie ..... and that pie is big enough for everyone who needs to have some ..... and you having your “some” will make your sons feel much more secure about your welfare, much warmer with the thought that things you were entitled to have at last come your way, and rightfully so. You can be a little generous in order to be true to how you feel, but not so generous that your ex is actually walking all over you with big puppy-dog eyes ..... because that’s not right either.

Is it possible for him to “pay you out” on the house so he can stay living there ? If not, presumably there is enoughproperty value for him to still have a roof over his head somewhere as a result of selling it ..... and maybe that is something he has to decide ? Which means that you are not making him move out .... he is making the choice about which hard decision to take ..... ?

Big feels here for you ..... 💜❣️

@outlander 🦝 (< let’s call it a lemur ....)

Thanks for sharing @CheerBear . I have learned lots about my past in the last few weeks. I couldn’t remember so many facts about financials. My brother has uncovered lots including that when I sold my house (there was very little mortgage by then) we used that to pay for ⅔ of the new house outright. I left all financial things to him (an ex bank manager). It turns out there were lots of things done that were not financially sound.

Edit. It was my house in my name only.

I did the same as you. I started again from nothing, I left all the furniture there too. The kids slept on borrowed foam mattresses to start with. One was an adult by then. We were given everything from friends and family. At times the kids have gone back up and got pieces of furniture not being used. I am not scared of him as such, he is not someone that is scary or frightening. I’m worried about him maybe committing suicide over it. I’m worried that he will not cope with it all. I think that I believe deep down he still loves me and wouldn’t ever want to hurt me even though he did so in such a huge messed up way. I never know what to believe with him. I thought I knew him so well but I didn’t at all. I still second guess everything E.g. did he love me ever? Did I ever know him? Is he capable of empathy and love? On the surface he is a very compassionate person but I discovered he can not empathise with anyone. He could not put himself in others shoes. I’m the opposite. My default was/is to put myself in others shoes way before I consider trying on my own shoes. I think the bit I find hard is that I’ve never been angry or hurt or felt used by anyone. It was natural for me but I don’t feel anyone took advantage of that. Maybe I’m just naive all round.

Financially this could make a difference to me with the emphasis on could once I pay my brother back. Lawyer is $500 per hour 😱though.

My psych session today was strange. She dragged tears out and I guess helped me to see some of the things he took from me. Even though I felt that emotion it doesn’t feel any different in that I’m still scared of hurting him or what he could do.

Sorry for the rave.

The rave is good @Teej 💜

Well said @CheerBear

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope , @CheerBear

I think I am struggling with so much fallout. The things he did have had such profound consequences on everyone who loved him and himself. They reached every corner of our lives. My youngest is still feeling the effects as well. He is still caught in a perfect storm still too, part of him wants to love and be loved by the only person he could ever call dad (and he was a great dad to him) but his best mate is my gf son who was at the centre of it all. It’s effectively created a situation that he had to choose between his best mate or his father figure who carries so much shame. My son has chosen his best mate who has been part of his whole life.

@CheerBear I know it’s nothing to what you went through. For me it was more at an emotional level. I had known him since I was twelve when he first asked me out. We dated at 18 as well for a short time and I house shared with him. I knew him for over thirty years but didn’t know what he had done under my nose that whole time with my friends. It’s now 40 years since we first met. Most of my history was re written in one way or another. I think my psych saw that today, how pervasive this has been.

Thanks for the responses to my spill @CheerBear . And thanks to those under the support button. I’m feeling wrecked and going to try to sleep some emotion off.

Hugs to all 💜🤗