Just checking in.

Sending you lots of love and hugs tonight @CheerBear and hoping it is all going okay for you Hon

Hi @Teej, thanks for your message about my relationship feelings at the moment. No reason to apologise for anything, as usual. I talked about it just as much as was helpful, and received support, and didn't need any more at that time. In the time since, it's all seemed kind of silly again, and not a worry. But it does rear up and bug me on a fairly regular basis. Thanks for recognising the complexity of things with it.

The thing that annoys me the most is the crush. I really don't want to have it, since it's not something I want to pursue, but still it keeps taking over my mind sometimes, an intermittent obsession. In the past this kind of thing has actually seemed linked to my mental illness. When I was manic, I was once 'in love' for an extended period with three people at once, and attracted and acting out sexually with many others.

Even when not manic, in almost every relationship I've ever had in my life, I've had a crush on someone else at some point, sometimes more than one person. I've also been unfaithful in relationships in the past because of these hotted-up, obsessive feelings, resulting sometimes in short-lived, damaging-to-everyone affairs. Sometimes the acting out part of these things has been spectacular and catastrophic. My history with this stuff is part of the reason for my bipolar diagnosis.

None of this has been a part of my life for a long, long time, so this one cropping up now is really unwelcome. It relates to someone I only see occasionally really, which makes it easier to deal with, as the 'heat' of my mind gets time to recover in between encounters and I return to sensible once more.

Funny thing is I barely fantasise that much about sex with this person, the idea actually scares the sh*t out me to be honest. It's more like some sort of intense longing for closeness. We have had a kind of closeness over time, but it's overly intense in some way for me, and maybe for them too. Without speaking about it, it seems clear we both want to continue this closeness and consider each other friends. But it's awkward and nerve-wracking. I really don't like the overly-intense confusing feelings in me. I am also suspicious of these feelings, for reasons of the past mentioned above.

Part of me thinks that my whole history of these kinds of feelings, in inappropriate or kind of hopeless situations, is that I don't really know how to be close to people I admire or like in a huge way, other than interpret it sexually. In this current time of my life, I think it's also because I've been celibate for a long time and wonder about how long that will continue in my life, and whether I'm okay with it. Celibate may not be quite the right word, as I do have an okay sexual relationship with myself (excuse the honesty!)

And frankly when it comes down to it, I've often felt f*ed up in sexual ways (so to speak). There's always been trouble in that arena of life for me. I'm an oddball, even there. Not participating is really a big relief in lots of ways, and seems to be more conducive to relative stability in me.

Well, that was a spill! Thanks, @Teej, for inspiring it. It does seem to help to express some of this here, and try to get my head around it.

So glad it went okay @CheerBear and fully understand your distant feelings now. Sometimes these things pull us together and other times push us apart - you know yourself and what you want/need so follow your heart in this one Hon.

Thanks for the well wishes for today - I am organised as far as I can be but need to do somephotocopyng when I get to work - need to get myself up and ready soon.

Good morning, @CheerBear. Went back to bed after that spill post and slept through until just recently. Waited for C to leave this morning too before coming back online. Him not being awake and present was part of why I wrote that post at that time, in the middle of the night. Too hard to do when he is around, as you might imagine. Glad to hear you got more sleep this morning too.

A relief to hear your get together with friend went okay. Hugs for the sads and the guilts. I can see how your relationship is more complicated now, and that you might feel unsure how to proceed with it from here, or if you want to.

For what it's worth, I'm still good friends (at a distance) with my first boyfriend, who was involved in the first termination. The relationship continued smoothly afterwards, as he was completely supportive, in agreement and on board. There was really hardly a moment of regret there for me, or for him as far as I could see. He now has two children with his long time partner, and loves them so much. He tears up when talking about them quite often. It's one of the things I loved about him, that way he had of tearing up with emotion.

As you know, C was the person involved in the second. As I've mentioned before, it was more difficult with C, who had been happy about the possible arrival, and didn't want to talk about it afterwards. He was very supportive of it as my choice, and helped me with the process of making it happen. But afterwards needed to process it in his own head, which I fully understood, even though I felt very alone with the aftermath at the time.

I have felt some guilt over the years about him never having had children as a result. But he did say quite cheerfully to me one time, 'next life'. He's never said a word indicating regret over it really. He is good at working through things in his head, as it happens. It also seems like poetic justice of a good kind, that he has had almost a decade now working in childcare, where the children love him, and he gets to look after and be part of the development of so many. The stories he brings home from the centre about the kids are so heart warming.

All of this is to say that it's possible to work out these relationships after an event like that, if you both want to. I understand and fully support you in whatever way you (or he) decide to go with it from here. As you can tell from my spill post, I do get how difficult 'complicated' can be, and I have no thoughts about what you 'should' do either way. Will just be here as you feel like talking about it, as things go on.

Thanks for replying to that spill post this morning. I would have found it a hard if there had been no reply when I woke, even though the rational part of me knows it's still early so it wouldn't have been an indication of anything really. But I really appreciate your taking the time to think it through with me, even when it might have been weird reading all that on first waking!

I was kind of aware it might be a strange post to wake up to, but needed to post it at that time, for the reasons I said above. Actually I didn't even intend to write all that, it just came out in response to @Teej's post. That quiet late night time just seemed to facilitate the expression.

I was also aware I myself might feel weird about it on waking again later. I do a little, but mostly am grateful this space has opened up here, where I can start to talk about what's going on with me on this level at this time. I've been living with it on my own for over a year now. It's also a relief to be able to write about my whole history with this stuff in the process, which is something I don't get to do properly in real life. Most people don't seem to want to engage with me on the subject of my past nymphomania. Funny about that, lol!

Anyway, that's more than enough on that subject again for now. Have a GP appointment today. My regular is away so I'm seeing someone else. Have to do it that way, as my driver's licence is up for renewal in six days, and I feel I now need to declare to them about my bipolar and medications for it, which involves paperwork from the doctor.

Even though I don't have a car, and have no desire to drive at this time, I'd still like to hold onto my licence if possible. I would still drive in an emergency, as once happened when C had a big bloody bang on his head in the shower one night, and needed immediate attention. Want to talk to the GP about some other issues too, including the fact that I'm itching all over the place now that I've stopped the antihistamine, which was contributing to the severe dryness in mouth, eyes and nose (along with possibly both of the other two of my psych meds). Still dry there but it may have got a bit better since stopping that med. Complication even there with my body and meds just now. My name is complex at the moment!

Wishing good things for this day to everyone passing through here.

I will let you know how it all goes today @CheerBear We have our meeting with the HR person after school so there should be a bit to share. I am hoping that meeting goes much better than the last one but you never know with these things. Fingers crossed for it all today for both of us Hon

Morning @Mazarita, @Zoe7, @CheerBear

goodluck Zoe. I’ll be thinking of you.

Maz I just woke up and will respond (positively 😊) after coffee

CB soooooo pleased last night went ok for you.

Just wanted ted to get in quickly while brain fires up

Thanks @Teej I take you all with me into the day and that does help

Hope your day is filled with hope Teej