Just checking in.

That urge to shut down is always a horrible one because it takes time to get through it @Sans911. I hear you regarding your support worker. Perhaps you could ask her to set up scenarios to work through with you. That would be way more helpful than telling you to practice interpersonal skills. Sometimes it feels like we bash our head against a brick wall with support workers, even though they mean well. I think sometimes they need to think out the box a bit to help rather than the same positive responses that just feels like rehearsed rhetoric. This is my pet hate with DBT.

Go gentle on you @Sans911. I’ve found that I’ve been with my psychiatrist for nearly two years and she is only just beginning to know me (and it feels like that she wants to know me now). I’ve found that through so much drama over the years trying to find support that helps I’m getting better and voicing what I need to go forward. If this is one of those things for you maybe you can try to write it down and then work together with someone (maybe psychologist) exactly what happens and get to understand your communication and begin to know what triggers some of the communication that creates issues. I agree that it is too hard to do by yourself. How do you change something when you don’t know or can’t see it?

I see your communication on here on here as always being fine but I know it’s different beyond a computer screen for us all. I struggle and ramble in real life more trying to express myself. Yesterday it was a mess for me trying to talk about what I need. It feels sometimes like it takes more work trying to get someone to understand the problem than it takes to overcome it which creates lots of big emotions for us too.

Thinking of you and hoping you find that big @Sans911 strngth and grit to overcome the big feelings. 💜🤗

She has suggested role play @Teej

I'm just uncomfortable with it.

Yeah me too @Sans911 but I’m only just starting to accept I need to try this stuff. I have been in therapy 6 yrs though 😳. I’ve only in the last few months out of desperation tried to be more open. It is hard though.....and scary. I have been unable to role play much stuff. I have been finding having someone push me on why questions in a good way has been really effective to inderstand more about myself. Really hard to do when you find the answers confronting.

Ive finished with fix it mode for you so you can breathe a sigh of relief 😘. Sometimes for me it is helpful to see how others approach stuff which is why I wrote it. Sometimes though it does feel like it is overwhelming (and can make you feel worse) and takes ages to be in a headspace to think about it better.

I hope your feline creatures are giving you hugs and entertainment to help you get through. 💜🤗

Was thinking about volunteering tonight @Sans911. I might look into it again but maybe something a little less daunting for now. I don’t know what though.

My four-legged friends are fast asleep right now @Teej

I don't mind your suggestions and advice. So no sigh of relief here. I really appreciate it that someone can look at my issue from a different perspective. From the outside.

I really can't see what others see in me. I don't like very much the person I am, and people tell me I need to be kinder to myself. But that's hard when I see so many failures and mistakes. I seem to lack the ability to learn and grow.

So while I can see some inkling of a future in employment perhaps or future goals, when it all comes down to it I struggle to accept me. I don't know how much longer I can live with myself, and that might be the one thing that ends me.

@Sans911 I dropped out while I jumped into the shower to think about your post and how to respond.

The truth is I have and do and will spend so much time in that headspace, I could have written that post almost weekly for all three years I’ve been on here (it was nov 2015 I joined).

After my trauma stuff I went through a phase of if I was just clever enough or just arty enough or just anything enough I’d be ok. It didn’t work and it made everything Ive done since a failure. Over the last few months I’ve been told that I have to trust what others say about me even if I can’t feel it, much of this has come from many support workers. This is hard but I figure they are helping me work out my identity for things I can’t see. Last week I was told that my face lights up when I help someone in my group. I didn’t know that. I didn’t feel it. I guess if others can see it maybe it happens and maybe that is part of me.

I have to face that I will be knocked down pretty much weekly to the point of si but that it will pass and life will go on ok for a bit. I never thought that was enough. Just lately I’m trying not to think about that stuff so much and just stay in the present as much as I can. I will fall over again in huge ways and I’m likely to be in crisis on the forum often, I hate it but I have to accept that that is me.

I know you will have to work your way through this to find how life becomes more livable for you. I know what I’ve told you may not help but it just my thoughts at this moment. I am not committed to living or dying at this point, just taking each bit as it comes. I also know that things change and evolve. I think I’m more open to that more than I’ve ever been.

Soooo be kind to you because you derserve it. You are kind and caring and smart and I’d think pretty efficient and creative in lots of ways too. (I have a big feeling you’d shake your head in disbelief at the chaos of my life 😵😄. I don’t know any different though). Take really good care of you 💜🤗

Everyone responds to the chaos of their lives in different ways @Teej

I don't shake my head in disbelief but I've often been frustrated and sad that I have to watch the malestrom of your spiral into that darkness without being able to a damn thing to change your mind or stop you.

The more I learn about you, and tonight in particular, I feel priveleged to have you share your life with me. You have resilience in spades, and the ability to eventually bounce back from adversity and challenges. You're a pretty remarkable person @Teej

I'll be OK in time too. This ache in the centre of my chest will pass. The tears will eventually stop for a while. The thoughts will pass on. The only 'kindness' I can manage right now is to not give in to the urges and create a tidal wave of sadness for those that care about me.

Thanks @Sans911. I’m glad you’ll push through. Let’s hope both of us can find a life worth living again.

Im going to try to sleep now. I hope you sleep well too. 💜🤗

Just checking in with my friends in forum land. I am currently waiting to be admitted tomorrow to a private psych facility. I'll have my laptop with me and internet so I hope to check in here and there.