Just checking in.

@Former-Member I think your advice and how you have dealt with your hurt is very insightful.

Here is where I come from: I don't have friends - close or otherwise. I have very few 'aquaintances' - and all are people I have met through work. There is not one person in my life that I have a realationship with that could be called a friendship. I have shut out that aspect of my life for over 20 years in order to protect myself. Any 'friendship' that I have had in that time has been very superficial and I have maintained a very private existence. There are very few people in this world that know anything about me - and those people only know what I want them to (which is very little!) I do not socialise with people from work (outside of the workplace and most times within) as I get frustrated by their double standards, negative attitudes and disrespectful behaviour.

I can get along with just about anyone - I actively listen and rarely talk myself. Then I can walk away and back into my very private world without having shared anything of myself.

I would do just about anything for anyone - but with limitations if it meant revealing anything about ME.

So in response to your post: this is the first relationship/friendship that I have formed with anyone that has revealed anything about me (that is important to me) in my whole life. I felt comfortable enough to open myself up - bit by bit- and the other person also did the same. It was a very mutual sharing and a gradual development of any trust. This is why it was so special and also why it hurts so much. I vowed never to put myself in this position after past hurt and betrayal but felt comfortable (and accepted ) enough to do so naturally. Nothing was forced or had to be held back and the friendship just developed as a result. Should I have been more cautious - yes maybe. Would I change the feeling that this friendship gave me and the ease at which it seemed to develop - no. Will I let this happen again - never. I don't even need to sleep on that or think that it may happen again one day - I will never let anyone get that close to me again - one time too many is one time too much!

Loving another and emotional detachment can happen simultaneously I have discovered. Loving and forming friendships without fully letting someone into my heart until it is safe to do so will prevent me from becoming broken. A win, win for me. Once bitten three times shy.

Hi @Zoe7 - you sound a bit like me. Very high values but accepting people for who they are and where they were at. But not letting them in.

I do know what it is like to give people the benefit of the doubt and trust only to be badly hurt. I put a huge wall up as you are now and no one could get through for many, many years. My mother, the person whom should of protected me and loved me unconditionally, tried to take my life and abused me beyond belief. I could trust no one after that. It sounds like you have had experienced past hurt and betrayal also to not have allowed anyone close for twenty years. For you and me it's more than just one hurt, it is the final straw because of past hurts. Being hurt once is enough to validate that it is not safe to do so because of painful experiences of the past. Does that resonate with you?

Please know that this goes deeper than one hurt. We were afraid to trust in the first place, so when we let that wall slip and another negative experience occurred again the wall went back up.

May I ask how long you knew this person for? Is it possible that she also had past trauma or fears that made her put her wall up to you?

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@utopia wrote:
@Former-Member. Lol. Thanks for the laugh. Now I don't think I will ever let you meet my friend - even if that was possible. But like you - I would also want to kick some butt if anyone hurt my friends.
I remember you saying that you can understand the life - early life and adulthood that my friend may have experienced. But that it doesn't excuse his behavior. I agree with you. But it does make me understand his behavior. Intimate relationships are very hard for him. Still. He still has a lot of healing to do. So I can empathise with his trauma.

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@utopia - nothing better than a good laugh. You are a friend to me.

I can totally relate to your friends problems with intimate relationships. Anyone with a troubled childhood will struggle as their were no role models and emotion/psychological damage has occurred. In fact your friends sounds like a replica of myself when I was young. I could not form relationships at all and I did hurt many people. We didn't have Facebook then but I would drop people and leave them in the lerch if it was too much trouble for me. Or if depressed and then could not be bothered. Not a thought for the other as I was not emotionally mature enough and had no clue how to treat people. I treated them as I was treated and knew no better. But it was my responsibility to learn as consequences snow balled. Those who stood up to me saying what I was doing was wrong (called me out on it) and moved away from me where the ones who made me rethink my choices.

Those who loved me regardless and put up with it at the time I would use. If they kept declaring their love it would make me feel uncomfortable and I would leave. I use to think they were weak and silly. I know - I was the sick one. Although I knew I was troubled I did not have that insight. Inner emptiness and consequences pushed for change. And that I did - a 360 degree turn. I am now nothing like what I was then. As I wanted to be better. It's a choice then I was open to help, not before,

But I drank and numbed myself and got lazy wanting to take the easy road, easy way out. Not to love and give but to take at that time. And it went on for many years. So many offered love and I rejected them. I was a fool but happy to do it at the time being attracted to people like myself. Easy road. But it was leading to nowhere.

I had no clue what love was and was very selfish. I never set at to purposely hurt anyone but life was a game and I used people. And that was not fair to those I hurt. I may have been even harder than your friend - men were a notch on my guitar. Be careful my friend.

Honest evaluation and wanting to be a better person (this is where guilt and feeling empty can be a good thing), leads to making a choice. And then can onlynthe healing begin. Depending on if we are prepared to put the hard yards in as to love requires self sacrifice. And some simply do not want to give.

This can be a very complex area as everyone is different and makes different choices. Has different life experiences and needs. I reached a stage where I felt empty. I wanted more, I wanted to be better. I made a very real decision when I was 28 years old to stop playing games and to be real and try to be open to real friendship and be a real friend. It's a personal choice my friend. I started to grow spiritually opening me up more to love rather than having a heart of stone. That's why it's not healthy to keep a wall up - I was allowing myself to feel for the first time in awhile. And if people treated me bad that anger and wall would go back up again. Or I would get bored and move on to another. One person to the other for self gratification. I know that's shallow my friend but that's how my childhood and lifestyle choices formed me then. That's why I am protective because I have been on both sides of the fence. People who knew me whenever young say my personality change was miraculous. Many don't change or very little.

With your friend I don't know him so I cannot say if he was like me or not. But all I can say is that not all have your empathy and caring nature - especially if they have been damaged in the past. So it's very important not to get attached until you know their intentions, their character. Your friend is responsible for his own healing my friend. He has to want better and want to grow. No one can do that for him. No one could do that for me. It was only when I made that choice to want to know what love was and learn to love that I was open to anyone helping me. It depends on your friend. If he wants help he would not keep rejecting you. He is making choices.

I hope that make sure some sense. I made that choice when 28 and was up and down for awhile until I reached the stage I am at now. I can now be genuine and truly love. With the choice of my husband and faith. But it started with me making a choice. Otherwise nothing changes. It's up to your friend and if we keep taking them back or accepting their bad behaviour they won't have to change, they won't learn.