Depressed and depleted

@deshift

That's exactly what happens. She apologises and then tries to be really nice and apologetic and tries to make it up to me. The apologies are definitely starting to get old. Like how many more times? I know it's not the last. She always has some kind of reason or excusefor treating me that way and I don't know what I am supposed to say the next time it happens. I have said before that I'm not going to be spoken to like that or tolerate that behaviour and that I deserve to be treated with respect but it just happens again.

Thank you for that. I have never been good with boundaries 😕 it is something I struggle with. Thank you for being so kind.

You are most welcome @Hopesparkles1 .

It's easy to be kind to others, its f'ing hard to be kind to ourselves.

Do you expect it to continue to happen again? And keep happening? If it continues to happen, is what you're getting out of the relationship worth the process (if there is one?)? Or even, what are you getting out of the relationship?

Some tough questions, but loving yourself first requires some brutal honesty and introspection.

Hope you are well enough tonight anyways,
🙂
deshift

@deshift Well it didn't take long for something to happen again. She was in the loungeroom playing a game late last night and I came out to make a snack. I was in the kitchen making it when she asked me what I was doing in the kind of way that I know when she asks me that it's usually when something I'm doing such as making a snack is triggering sensory wise for her. I figured as she had headphones in it would mostly be okay. My response to her was im making a snack sorry. And then I was like no, I'm not going to apologise for making a snack. The next thing i know she stomps down the hallway and slams the door. I go to her room and I tell her that I'm not putting up with that and if she is triggered then to use her headphones. Then it turns into a big thing and I'm in another room trying to go to sleep and I try to put in a boundary by telling her that I want to try and go to sleep and that I will talk to her about it tomorrow. She doesn't respect that and we end up taking until 3 in the morning which was mostly her explaining why she acts the way she does and apologies. I said to her there shouldn't have to be an explanation, all I hear are excuses and that her apologies are starting to lose their meaning because I constantly keep getting treated like crap. At first it was oh I didn't slam the door, oh it was because of the game and I had to hurry. No, it all ended up being because I was in the kitchen making something to eat and the sounds triggered her. She took a long time to bloody admit it and went in a very round about way. Just a lot of explanations and excuses. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm tired of being afraid to do normal everyday things in my own house in fear that I might set her off. Sorry for the long rant

Ahh, @Hopesparkles1 I'm so very sorry. That does not sound like a fun time at all.

Thank you for letting us into your experience. Good on you for standing up for yourself, and asserting your boundaries. When it was first explained to me about boundaries, I was told "Just set the boundary, and reinforce it if it isn't accepted. Some people are going to accept your boundaries and some people are unable to accept them. Try to have a healthy expectation about the consequences if this happens."

It sounded like you were expecting her to treat you this way again, and then give you an explanation that you intuitively knew wasn't fair to you (and not fair to herself if she was being honest with herself).

Are you okay? Do you like going for walks outside in the park? That can be really helpful when we need to calm our nerves and ground ourselves. There are other strategies, but walking in my opinion is superior when such things happen as they did with you last night.

We're here to listen if you need.
🙁
deshift

@deshift I tried, I told her more than once that I would talk to her about it tomorrow but she wouldn't leave and we just kept talking.

It's funny, that when she doesn't want to talk or communicate I just have to deal be okay with it.

Yes, I was expecting it again. I expect it all the time. The amount of times I have almost left but I'm still here and I don't know why.

I'm okay as I can be. I have a drs appointment today so the timing for that couldn't be better honestly. I think I'm going to try and take the rest of the month off to look after myself. I'm going away for a week in a few weeks to see my family so that will be a break I need I think. I don't think I'm going to be able to handle things if there's drama at Christmas. Last year was really bad, she wouldn't come out of the room for days or even open presents with me. I refuse to be miserable just because shes not coping or whatever. I feel awful even saying that but yeah.

Thank you, I appreciate it more than I can possibly express.

It sounds like you've got a lot to think about @Hopesparkles1

Hope your appointment goes well.

😕
deshift

@deshift

Thank you. The doctors app went okay. She gave me a lot of her time which was really lovely.

I tried to speak to my partner earlier this evening after there being pretty much no communication all day and she would barely give me two words. So I went to a hotel. I'm feeling rather alone and really angry to be quite honest

@Hopesparkles1 It's completely natural to feel alone in your situation.

For me, that's the mechanism by which I stick around toxic people, the thought of feeling lonely if I'm not with them. There are various reading resources available to sit with unwanted emotions, but they will open up a whole new world and journey towards being kind to yourself.

My sister goes on about Tara Brach and her RAIN acronym. It stands for Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture, and it is useful when you have a pain or suffering sensation somewhere on your physical body that is an extension of emotional turmoil.

There are podcasts (from Tara Brach ) if you're into that sort of thing? Maybe it will distract you at the very least and trick you into feeling like someone else is there with you.

Otherwise, I'm going to be here (on the forums) and get an email ding if you tag me, which you should always feel welcome to do!

🤗
deshift

You are not alone @Hopesparkles1, Sorry to hear things are a bit difficult with your partner but just know we are here for you.

Sounds like you've had a really rough day with your partner and you are feeling pretty angry about the whole thing (I would be feeling pretty angry too) and now having to stay in a hotel.

To keep you calm for this evening and your mind occupied, do you have any favorite music you could listen to, or possible movies that you enjoy? Do you enjoy cooking?

Would love to hear back from you.

@Melbcoffeesnob

@deshift

I think I feel like that too. My head is going round and round thinking about all the warm and fuzzy stuff over the bad stuff like it's not that bad. I think it's trying to trick me because that's what I want to experience right now instead of feeling these unpleasant emotions

Do you have any reading resources you'd recommend? Oh thank you, you are very kind. I haven't heard of that but it sounds really interesting! I'll have to check it out