Depressed and depleted

I’m hearing it from both sides @Hopesparkles1 ,

I feel like you are somewhat telling me story. I’d lash out and then storm off.

It sounds incredibly difficult to be on the receiving end. I’m wondering if as soon as she starts, you can walk away? This then means she can escalate? I’m also hearing what you said about her not talking for days on end. It is tough because it can make you feel like you have to give in and apologise or she won’t talk?

Do you think she realises something isn’t working? Do you think she wants to see change?

@Hopesparkles1

Sounds like your pretty isolated, which isn't good when you don't have people you can turn too.

Have you let her speak? Or does she just not talk at all? It could be a few things... She's has something she wants to talk about and she's not ready to or she doesn't know how to so expresses it in anger or silence.

The best way I know how is to sit down with her and have the conversation you need to have and let her speak as well, try not to come from a place of anger just try your best to be calm. Relationships aren't easy so it takes work.

Yes, I am pretty isolated.

Yes, she does but when she feels like it. She ignored me the other day because she was feeling overstimulated. I asked her what was going on and she told me that there was nothing going on instead of communicating to me what was going on for her.

I always seem to be accommodating to her and my needs just get left. If I communicate my needs, they end up just being a problem.

It's usually because I have said something that I'm not okay with or if I'm telling her how I feel.

I told her recently that I didn't feel emotionally safe and her response to that was anger because I hadn't said anything. So it became my fault. I told her that I don't always feel comfortable telling her how I feel because of how she reacts. She was just mad that I hadn't told her and wasn't really seeing the issue.

I really don't know. I don't think she really sees a problem with her behaviour half the time.

@Hopesparkles1

It sounds like a lot of issues are occurring here. What were the main reasons you decided to move in together? Can you move back out or do you now have a financial commitment together?

@AussieRecharger Hi,

Sorry for the very late reply. I've been trying to work out a few things recently and I would really appreciate some insight and advice. I've been feeling really dysregulated within myself the last couple of months, like my nervous system has been dysregulated. I've been wondering if my partner has narcissistic traits or if I have some undiagnosed trauma related stuff going on that has been severely triggered by her moods and behaviour. I find it hard to separate myself from her moods like I literally feel her moods in my own body. I hope that makes sense but I don't know how else to describe it. I feel like there is always something with her. Like she's never happy. She's either sick, or tired or overstimulated and I have to be miserable too. I find it hard to focus on myself. I guess my energy feels very dragged down by hers. How can I best look after myself when she is so negative and there's always something wrong or going wrong for her that she's not happy about. This is the part of me that's wondering if she is a narcissist

@Hopesparkles1 (edited to tag you) I'm not about to diagnose anyone, and that isn't always helpful, but it does sound very toxic. How have you survived this long without setting any boundaries?

I really can relate to your story, it sounds pretty similar to the kinds of women I repeatedly got involved with.

I don't normally dish out advice, and this is because it's not always helpful or what you want to hear, not now at least. But you don't deserve to not feel safe at home, or with a significant other. This is the opposite of how you should be feeling. Usually the advice (and the advice given before above from others) was about communicating with her, which in my experience is impossible when you are being gaslit, emotionally blackmailed, shamed, patronised, stone-walled, re-traumatised, undermined, and worse.

Trauma can be as little as an unpredictable caregiver in the first 2 years of your life, and this coupled with aggressive shouting, followed by no explanation is more than enough to traumatise anyone. Believe me, I didn't know I was subject to this until well into my late 30's.

So my first question, is are you safe now? After we have food water and shelter, we need security, and sometimes our shelter isn't secure. That would be my highest priority if I was feeling dysregulated and completely in sync with unpredictable "moods".


Please describe in any ways in which you think those of us in the forum might be able to help. Information you need, places to visit, numbers to call, paths readily trodden before, etc...

😲
deshift

@deshift

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it.
I do think it has been toxic yes. Things have been better but I'm at the point now where my nervous system feels so dysregulated and I'm hypervigilent all the time even when I don't need to be. She's fully aware of how I've been feeling and how her behaviour has affected me.
And is working on it (newgp and psychologist). The last time things blew up really bad I said a lot of things that I had never said before so I think she realised that things need to change and how much I have been affected. In saying that, She has treated me like crap a few times recently and is starting to pull herself up on it afterwards and apologise but sometimes I think to myself, the next time it happens I might end up saying that's it I can't do it anymore. There's no excuse for it. I end up feeling like I need to keep her at arms length because I don't know how she's going to react. I feel that she is not very approachable more often then not and can be highly reactive at times.
I've been waiting months to get in to see someone (a psychologist) which has been hard but hopefully soon. I just really need some clarity on what is from my trauma, how to deal with my triggers and what is not okay and how to deal with it. Yes I am safe thank you for asking.
I've been trying to look for strategies online on how to self soothe and regulate my nervous system but it can be so hard when she is a very dysregulated person and I'm always feeling on edge waiting for the next bad mood or to be treated like crap. I have been in contact with the orange door several times this year, they are a social services organisation here in Victoria. They referred me onto Wellways and I just had my first appointment with them on Friday. Other than that I don't really have a great deal of support. My family are in other states and most of the people I know here I know through my partner. I am slowly starting to meet people but yeah it has been hard.

Typically, someone without any remorse, will only apologise to get themselves off the hook of their behaviour, and then maybe even love bomb you afterwards so that you forget how badly it affected you in the first place.

For me there was a distinct pattern with when the moods hit, how I was feeling or what I was intending as they hit, and then the shame I felt, and the guilt and self loathing when the apology came afterwards, like I had done something wrong that I had to apologise for at the same time.

Apologising takes very little, in terms of action, and in times gone past, you actually made it up to the person you were apologising to, and forgiveness wasn't expected, it was earned with a change in behaviour. If they repeatedly blow up at you, and then just apologise again and again, it begins to feel hollow and manipulative, especially if you still feel unsafe and on edge and anxious all the time.

I would check out some of the reading material on asserting boundaries, there is another old discussion about it on this forum here --> Setting Healthy Boundaries

Please look after yourself. You are no good to anyone if you aren't being good to yourself first.

😌
deshift

Hey @Hopesparkles1 - I believe that thoughtful post above was for you.

Please take care.