what keeps you going ??

Sorry @PeppiPatty i did reply, but havent got head around exact peppi spelling on mobile lol yeah looks like a lot of work in it. Think will stick with felt tho lol

Hello my special friend @PeppiPatty xx

Lets meet at the cafe tomorrow and read mags? -- oh yes, yes , yes please

that will be wonderful

I'm so pleased the hats not your style @TAB but yes....lots of work lol

Dear @Former-Member

I keep on reading your last message.....so many memories good and difficult have come up for me today but ....more very positive. It's like I'm able to remember in a very healthy way where before I might have been too overwhelmed.....too ill.

I don't think I'll ever recover from that time. Not completely.

But I'm able to start forgiving myself where before, I would run off and do another TAFE or University Degree or......work more. My son had been diagnosed with malignent brain tumour ..... he's fine,,,,he now has a condition he needs to manage ( and oldest son at 26 lives over East Australia managing mental illhealth but refuses medication......

In 2012....married absolutely darling husband who is diagnosed with Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Anyway:

I am not good at the friend thing. I do find meeting people incredubly easy and likeable but it's like my life has been too hard.

For years....My Mum has worked incredibly hard to get many people to dislike me....I don't even think that she realises what she does but I'm over it and our relationship might be getting better.

When I was reading your message, I felt an understanding that NOT ONLY are your and my lives more difficult but you and I are being used for the reason for other people's problems.......we are not only in the too hard basket but you and I unfairly are handed and blamed for other problems and its not our fault...........

I wrote a bit of this out,,,unashamedly plagerized the first sentence too:

women are so often the targets of one's unconscious projections (no matter whether you are male or female).

No matter what; you sons will treat their future partners like they treat you.

So what do we do ? We don't give them money. We take care of ourselves, We listen to music. We stay loving. We pray. We go to our Gp's turn up at Arafmi, MFWA, whatever we can. If we want friends, we make our own, embrace their little different things, stay safe, talk. Buy ourselves little gifts,,,I like soaps...

I see what you write. I am so impressed

PP I like these colours...do you ?

Dear @PeppiPatty, it's so difficult to live with the fact that the only people who can hurt you are the ones who you love and care for the most, and that's really sad. I guess you have to remember that you can't change others, you can only change yourself and how you respond to them. A different response might invoke different behaviour from them. You need to look after yourself. Trust yourself, your integrity, and your love for them.

hello @PeppiPatty

oh goodness i have just read your extreme pain. what a journey you have been on.

i too feel the utmost empathy and compassion for you.

i also heed your words about looking after myself.

That is the place where I am at now. I have not given him any more money. he had stopped contacting me when i last spoke to him and said no.

his dad giving money to son because that is only way he can show his love sadly, has always bought them what they wanted and even more what they didnt want. very materialistic.

wrote another epic after this but have deleted. you dont need the headache.

take care and thank you.

love bob dylan you must have known xxxx

Dear @BossandSqueezy

Did you put that picture on here because you knew it was for ME? It's so lovely...thank you so much. I havent met you yet, how are you this morning?

Mr you know who, my husband is telling me what anice person he is because he lent my son a shaver.....he is a nice person too....

Dear @Former-Member

How are you this morning? @Former-Member please don't delete your messages, you should see the messages I've sent....golly, please send, please send. This is a lived experience forum, we need to support each other. I wouldnt be as good as I am if it was'nt for this forum....I've had some really good news, something good has happened, it wouldnt be happening if I didnt have this forum to help me through it.

But yesterday, my son went to see my Gp and he has'nt ever seen such a good Gp ever. He spent over an hour talking to the nurse and Doctor ......he talked about all he's been through....the abuse, he has been given meds. He spent a long time praising my husband (who is wonderful with him.)

When we were leaving, the nurse came out and said to me, I love your son. I said, yeah....she said some other things but I felt like....maybe he will get through this time. Maybe he will stop hanging around silly friends and maybe....he will take the medication.

When we got home, I had done a job, I cleaned a home and my earning is a couple of meals. We ate this really yummy food for dinner, then I went to bed early. He was noticably upset so it was good to leave him.

He woke up having panic attacks. My mind is always on my oldest son. I don't hear from him but I need to just let it go and hope and get on with my life.

WE are here for you @Former-Member. I am honoured if my story helps you.

Thanks @BossandSqueezy I so love that picture.

PeppiPatty

hello @PeppiPatty

thank you reading your response helps

i feel as though i am pathetic at the moment

weeping, whining, wasting, wanting, witching, withering

i think i am losing the plot just went from low low low to lightbulb on i have an idea for a new thread. just hope it doesnt get ignored. i am so sensitive now i feel as though i am taking away some of my older son's paranoia, i have done that all of his life. taken away or carried on my shoulders some of his pain.

now i am back to misery

dont understand this emotional turmoil am used to great heavy dense fog or chest pains non stop thoughts

what is this new stuff swinging to and fro??

hello @PeppiPatty

the message i just sent is a classic example of where my mind is at.....

all over the place

i clicked on reply to say what a strong sense of relief and astonishment and is this true you must be feeling.

i understand why you are so proud of your son.

he clearly loves and respects and trusts you very much.

brings tears of happiness for you and sorry but sadness for me.

i am so used to it though. has always been this way. other mums talking about how proud of and how wonderful their children are. showing photographs of them and their achievements. has got worse as he has got older. i am not ashamed of him in any way. i just feel for him that he has missed out on so much because he doesnt fit into the FLIPPING GIGANTIC BOX THAT SOCIETY WANTS TO PUT HIM INTO

first day of kingdergarten waiting out side for him to come running out only to hear his first and last word ...f..k - i was beside myself we didnt use that language where had it come from. my embarrassment must have been very obvious because one of the other mothers walked up to me and laughingly said your son is brilliant, dont worry about the word that is for effect, one of the other children would have heard it from an older family member. i was able to relax , smile and look at the situation differently.

then another time called in to see the director again!! your son has deliberately traumatised all of the girls in the toilets. ????? How????? with this !!!! a toy black rubber spider. You should not allow your son to bring this to kindergarten to deliberately frighten others. Actually I replied I didnt allow him to, and he didnt deliberately bring it. we came straight here from a birthday party where that was one of the surprise prizes. he was thrilled to bits because he loved snakes, spiders, dragons.

.back to the kindergarten saga

i remember right back to playgroup with my oldest one he was different. at kindergarten he was put in the front group of about 5 separated from the rest of the kindergarten.

the front group were there for the ones who were harder to handle apparently.

i went to pick him up one day to be told this.

i was told that he was told to paint a certain item all the others obeyed but no not my son he painted what he wanted to. She then proceeded to tell me how he will struggle in life with authority.

bearing in mind i was already living in a deep fog, strongly aware though that my growing baby boy of 4 was different. i responded well he understands that true art is what comes from the self not being told what to paint. ..... no response just a scowl ... she was correct about authority issues though.

another time i went to pick him up i was asked to stay back and speak to the director. he did not want to come in when playtime finished and sit on the mat whilst it was listen to music time.

i asked what was he doing during playtime that he wanted to continue with ... oh he was dressing up. my response he absolutely loves dressing up and running around feeling free. i had also observed that music time meant sitting on mat with legs crossed, sitting very still and very quietly whilst director played the piano!!! yes i know they have to learn to do the same as the group. For heavens sake sitting cross legged for starters, all together squeezed on a mat!! and the music on the piano was so mournful. my son had adult time at home with his mum and dad and family. he had quiet time at home, whilst i read one of his books to him and we shared looking at the pictures.

first year junior primary school, he did not hang on to my legs he was keen and excited marched into class on his own. then he started not being as keen so i hung around inside the classroom looking at paintings on wall, fish in tank etc. then teacher told me no cant stay in class. dad went up to school one day to find him sitting on oval with his chair and desk on his own!!!!! both his dad and I went up to the principal and explained our horror and son needed to be moved to another class immediately. only to be told no other class and said teacher will be taking the class the following year. so we said we would move him out of school . did some checking around at schools and found one 15min drive away. took him there to look around, class he would join teacher invited him into class, gave him a hug and asked if he would like to sit on her knee - no hesitation and introduced him to the class. he was so proud. Now that is a real teacher. following year he started stuttering which progressed as he matured. he was teased at school always in trouble. became class clown as a result ended up getting excluded at 15. dad said no more school. only stuck out a couple of jobs - longest 1 week - tafe course 1 day anda half. 10 years ago on disability pension.

Hello @Decadian,

thank you @BossandSqueezy,for the quote

hello my special friend @PeppiPatty, @Former-Member

thank you for all sharing your stories

have you started a thread @Former-Member, will have to have a look my dear friend