not feeling good

@Owlunar @MDT @Ali11 @Shaz51

So much fir a day off today. Everyone is bloody home incl hubby. Daughter partner at wirk.

Im so angry. I’m so alone in my head.

I managed to get an appt tomorrow to see my reg psychologist that I haven’t seen fir a few months. She had a cancellation.

I really need to see her.

Great so tiday is not a day off for me. I’m going to try and go fir a walk later. Otherwise if not I’ll go to sleep.

@Owlunar I’ve disappointed myself. I’m angry at myself. I feel so useless and crap. And it’s my doing. All on me.

I tead your post and I agree I’m going downhill very quickly. I just need to hang on until extra hours st wirk few more weeks. But when I see my psych in a couple of weeks I’m telling him I want hospital. I don’t care what my dictir thinks. He’s nit me.

J kniw you’re nit happy eith the decision. Reg home but I csnt fo anything about it.

I feel I’ve disappointed d eryone incl myself so badly.

Had a bad night sleep. Coughing a lot and too much on my mind

My day off and it’s not really.

Now tiu sll kniw why I love yo go to hospital - time to myself.

Pathetic isn’t it.

@Gazza75 @Zoe7 forgot to tag you

Hi @BlueBay , was hoping that you might be feeling a bit better today, but, it doesn't sound like it. Fingers crossed you can talk things through with your psychologist and feel better about things. Hope your walk is pleasant and helps you get a little peace. I really don't think everything is your fault. Life is rarely so black and white and clear cut as that. Theres a lot of people in your household and life that are factors in how your feeling.

None of us are in your shoes or have been through what you have. All we can do is try and support and be understanding and maybe come up with some suggestions. At the end of the day it's up to you on how to move forward and progress. I know that the solutions I am given aren't all that practical for Me, I can't implement them as easily as people seem to think. If I could I would.

None of us are perfect or even close to it.

It seems you are very hard on yourself. You have accomplished a lot and should try and keep some perspective if you can. I know it can be diffucult. Maybe try and grab some extra sleep today, certainly don't let it add up as it can really take a toll.

You are so resilient, honest, kind and beautiful BB. Your family should be a lot more appreciative of the gem they have.

Please take care and know that a lot of people here care about you so much.

Morning @BlueBay I have been off here for over a month as had holiday, then moving to 4 bedroom house finally but then had trouble setting up NBN here. So I final,y managed to come back a few days ago.

I am so sorry you are having a hard time, as you know I also have BPD among others but have found my BPD is the hardest one to live with and it's a horrible thing to have most people don't understand it. No matter how many times I tell my family about it they don't get it, and we struggle with it every day.

I am so glad you get to see you psych tomorrow and hopefully they wiĺl admit you. Try and be a bit kinder to yourself and never apologize for it, I used to have 8 people in my house about 3 months ago for over 6 months and my son and his girlfriend hardly ever gave me money, and it was hell, it wore me down and ST were always there and ended up in hospital. There's just me and my 2 sons now, but I still feel lonely and for the first time ever have made some friends through my church and they help me when I'm starting to run down and talking on here, where we al, have different symptoms but are great support for us all, we don't judge and try and help when things get bad. Sometimes I think I'm stupid and get really angry with myself when things get worse, but we aren't, BlueBay, I've learned to just take one minute at a time and try not to worry about tomorrow, finances and similar things, it's very hard and at night when I go to bed I put on mediation from bible plans if you believe or there are many others that you could try, my mind still won't shut up a lot but I still try one day it's bound to help.

Remember you can talk to us any time we understand how hard life can be, the one thing I remember is that we are al, friends here and try and help and encourage each other, like you I keep trying for my son and you have your ayla, if we keep remembering them it helps a little bit each day. You are a very caring, and have a lovely sole and we are here for you. No matter how hard people tell us that there here for us, we hear it but our minds aren't really registering it, these things try and help but I know when you're struggling with it, we feel very alone and want to give up.

Let your psych know your just not coping and if there a good one hopefully they wiĺl. Get you the help straight away wether it be in hospital or have a team come to your house everyday and talk about things and help you around your house. I know some states don't have the home help, so I hope if you don't go to hospital they have The other service for you as they helped me when I really needed extra.

You are a lovely friend and do not want to lose you BlueBay, I am praying for You and sending healing angels to surround you.

L

Hi @s-jay I know I am really bad with my black and white thinking. It’s not easy. I just don’t see things any other way. And when others say I need to see the grey part - it just doesn’t get into my head. Hard to explain.

Thsnks @MDT @Gazza75 fir being so kind to me. Can’t wait to see my psychologist tomorrow. I kniw there will be tears. I’ve been holding them in.

@saturnzoon I have tears reading your reply. It’s hard I don’t know if I’ll ever get better. What if this is my life. What if I can’t.

Thankyou for your understanding.

Some days I’ve just had enough.

But there is my little Ayla that keeps me going. Even if I have to get through hour by hour.

The sun is out snd I’ll try lster to go for a walk.

Im so depressed emotional angry snd just not coping.

Hugs @MDT ❤️

Your Welcome @BlueBay , in the back of my mind I feel the same, not wanting to be like this for the rest of my life and that's what I struggle with and it just got harder when my daughter left to live in Newcastle, one of my sons now live the other side in the south so loosing that attachment is a big thing with BPD, and a bad trigger for me every day I struggle with it, I've applied for the NDIS and hoping I get it so that I can start seeing a psychologist as we only get 6 weeks under the health care plan, that I can see al the time and my kids don't understand why it affects me so much. The kids were my life, I still had trouble when they were home but I didn't know how much it affects us when they leave, it is a shock, cause I thought well my life is over cause there what I was living for and was my life, but now I don't know what my life purpose is anymore and I still don't, sometimes I think that this isn't real and like I'm in a dream., I message my daughter every week but cannot talk to her on the phone cause everytime I try I just start crying even now just writing this I'm crying. I just don't know what I'm suppose to be doing, it's like I'm in a rollercoaster it's always up and down, everyday one minute ill be ok and then the next for no reason I'm down and crying and that's where I have to think a bout Jacob who's only 12 that he still needs me,so I try and remember if I'm not here he would have no one and then I go into his room and ask for a cuddle and he can tel now when im feeling low and will give me a cuddle, maybe that's something you could try BlueBay or if you have a pet,cuddle them it does help for a while, but I think my life will always be like this as well, I have no partner, just my 4 kids, I know there is something out there for us we just have to have faith and hopefully find it one day, and most importantly talk to those around us that understand what where going through, I have to believe that we can do it one day,and just take one minute at a time until we do.