not feeling good

Hi everyone @Ali11 @Shaz51 @oceangirl @Owlunar @Razzle @Former-Member

And others passing through 😊

this mirning I have an appt with a dietitian at local hospital. I’m nervous because I know I need help with losing weight. I’m also scared of failing. See that’s my BPD thinking.

My dictir told me last week that I have high cholesterol. Not bad enough for meds but I need to lose weight. He told me thst in the last two years I’ve put on 10 kg. I now need to lose about 15kg. A lot of it was from my medication. But I also eat uncontrollably at times snd struggle with this fir a long time.

So here I go for yet another challenge. I really hope I can do this with the help I’m getting. The good thing is that it’s free of charge. Which is a bonus for me.

I’ll let you all know how I go.

Hoping tiday is a good day for you all ❤️❤️

I’ve had a triggering week

so much negative tslk

self loath snd hate of myself

I can’t get it out of my head

I’m so angry st hubby huffing and puffing

I need an escape

@Ali11 @Shaz51 @oceangirl @Owlunar @Razzle @Former-Member

Sending love @BlueBay The dietician and free support sound good, how often do you go for a walk at the moment? The world champion boxer Tyson Fury had a video recently talking about he stopped caring for his body and his weight went up to 400 pounds. When he realised one night just how much his body had changed, he made a promise to his girlfriend that he would start losing weight the next day. He started with slow walks, and each day increased or improved on the day before it. Is a walk along the street something that might help you get time away from that huffing and puffing, as well as slowly beginning to work on the health? What do you usually do when you need some space for yourself?

@Ali11

I want an escape

I want to run away

Disappear

.....,, and what if I miss one of my walks? or eat more than normal like niw because of my emotions - then thsts a big fail.

I will have failed

how can I be positive when I’m so negative

I’m sure no one wants to be around me because of my negativity

ohhh my sister @BlueBay , one step at a time xoxo

I was diagnosed with Diabetes 46 weeks ago

I will walk with you my friend

eat more than normal like niw because of my emotions --- it depends what you eat xx

eating plenty of things that are low in carbs is the way to go

Missing a walk or eating out of pattern every so often isn't a failure, @BlueBay It's the trying and knowing why you're trying that matter. You want to be healthy for you, because it'll help you feel better. Everyone here loves having you around, you contribute positively to this community.

I can tell you a little true story about living with someone with BDP @BlueBay

My kids and I were on holidays at Warrnanbool - my son might have been 9 or 10 - and we were on the beach and my daughter was busy making miles of castles with a sand castle set and my son sat beside me feeling unhappy - he was so unhappy

He asked if we could go down to the Crags and I said "Of course" and we had lunch and I drove the kids down there and my daughter started making castles out of rocks and stones that got bigger and bigger and my son sat beside me and I could feel his unhappiness coming through his skin. After a while he said

"Mum - when we were at Warrnambool I thought I could feel better if we came down here and I don't and I might think I will feel better when we go back but I know I really won't"

I said ''I know. What you are feeling has a name. It's called Transitional Ambivalence. Your psychologist told me. Some other children have it too."

He was surprised. He didn't know what the words meant but he knew I understood. He often felt miserable and thought he would be better if he moved somewhere else but his mood would follow him like his personal rainy cloud. It was heart breaking. I had a little girl who was a brilliant burst of sunshine who could occupy herself for hours and my son's BDP was destroying him. I remember him coming home from school with a face like thunder and my heart would crash.

Nothing coud help him - he was like this his whole life - he did have better patches but he was lost and who knows how adoption affects some people - for him it was negative and nothing I said could convince him that he was loved - he felt unworthy - like so many other people

But he was never rejected by me because of his negativity. I could put my arm around him while we sat there on the beach - I never gave up on him - I loved him.

I feel it at this time of year because he was in Juvenile Detention. I am beginning to understand that my grief for his death has healed a lot in the last three years but I have not healed from the knowledge - the memories - of his overwhelming unhappiness.

I guess I am learning a lot from what your write and I can certainly stand reading it - I am not put off by your negativity and unhappiness - my life is a learning curve - I live to learn and through you I am learning about my son because when he was alive it was a constant puzzle to me

Not so much of a puzzle now - and you want to know how to get past it or to be cured of your BDP. I assume you will with enough time - my son would be turning 50 this year. I have had enough time to sort things out for myself.

But I get it - I hear you - I was reading info on BDP today - it's complex - I understand

Hold on through the bad bits - you have people in your real life who obviously love you - you are not your disorder - that is like a child inside you taking over at times and giving you a hard time which must feel rotten.

My son never gave himself the time to learn the life-skills you have - he gave up too soon - but it was his choice - you are making the harder choice to continue and it must be such a struggle but I'm not giving up on your either

Dec

Hi @Owlunar I have to work tiday till 1pm extra shift. But I wanted to say I have read your post and will reply when I get back this afternoon. Xxxx

Thanks for telling me @BlueBay

I'm glad you got an extra shift - that will help your coffers a bit

I finished writing that post at 4.00 am - I had it on my mind and went to sleep after I had written it -

All the best today

Dec

@BlueBay I hope your day at work today has been better than the last few shifts.

It sounds like your session with your therapists have been particularly tough on you, dragging up memories you don’t really want to re visit. I’m hearing you there, it feels like you can never seperate yourself from your past. I feel that a lot lately too.

I find myself in a situation at the

moment that is hard to navigate through on my own. I have lost trust in my councillor, so feel like I can’t talk to him anymore, I find I am very guarded as to what I say to him. I wasn’t going to go back to him, but decided not to cancel my next apt with him because I wanted

to know why he responded to me the way he did during my last crisis. I still don’t feel like he gave me a good enough explanation, the trust is gone and I’m finding it hard to get back.

My husband and I were supposed to have a couples session with him last Thursday. My husband pulled out the night before, and as we were his first apt for the day I felt it was too late to cancel so I went alone. Ironically, that session we talked a lot about trust - and how I don’t have trust for anyone in my

life - another special little feature I’m dragging along from my past. He explained that the trouble I’m having with my sons partner and her mother in not being able to see the baby is exacerbated by my trust issues. He wasn’t blaming me, just letting me see what’s actually going on. I think it’s more that they lie so often that its nothing to do with my “trust issues” but more to do with that they are not trust worthy.

The baby is now 7 weeks old, we haven’t seen her since she was 3 weeks old. It’s a mess, but I’ve taken a huge step back. The other family thrive on drama and I refuse to feed into that.

On a whole other level, my marriage is a mess, the anniversary of my sons death is coming up, his birthday was only a few days ago, my head is a mess, anxiety is off the charts, so if you find that escape, let me know and I’ll come with you, I’ll even carry your bags.

I hope you have a good weekend, and get some time to yourself. Give A a big hug, what you have with her is very precious, when everything else has gone dark in your life, at least you have that beautiful little light ❤️❤️