not feeling good

Evening @BlueBay, I have trouble sleeping as well, so my psychiatrist gives me some tablets that help me sleep now, maybe you could ask your doctor, cause imy mind use to never turn off for me and only slept a couple of hours also im a very light sleeper and any noise would wake me up. I'm glad you saw your psychologist and it helped even with crying it releases some of the anger we have.

I have an appointment on Thursday morning to get some scripts and ask for a health care plan to see my psychologist that i was seeing last year as she was really good. I was hoping my NDIS i applied for in 2017 would have got approved but it didnt so i had to do a review which they said they did not get and now have to re-apply all over again, without that you only get 6 sessions with a psychologist.

@Owlunar I love your little cup with the kittens head

@Former-Member I Hope everything goes ok with the hospital and your appointments.

@Razzle @Meowmy @Former-Member @CheerBear @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @Shaz51 have a good night

Hi @saturnzoon nice to hear from you 😊

I’m going to try and rest soon. Agsin nit a good night. Tonight I’m going to try some warm milk with cardamom, cinnamon, date, nutmeg and ground cloves. You simmer for a few minutes then strain. Apparently people taking this sleep amazingly well. I’ll let you know.

Hope it goes well at the doctors. ❤️

Hi @Owlunar I write a long reply this morning but somehow i lost it. So take two -

i think I don’t cry in front of my fsmily because I feel ashamed and embarrassed for my mentsl illness especially BPD.

My psychologist yesterday said hubby and I need to communicate more. And I need to let him know how I’m feeling.

I told her that I write the email to my psych. She was glad I did and e pressed how I was angry eith him.

She said with my BPD it’s going to take a long time. She said it’s automatic for me to go straight to a negative.

I’m going to organise accommodation for Alexandra heads gor October. They are really good and let us pay it off weekly. By the time we arrive it’s all paid off. Airfares will be organised soon. There are some cheap flights at the moment. Our son gave us a voucher for Christmas do we can use that snd pay the difference.

How are you feeling? Hopefully better.

I really don’t mind you asking questions. I feel you understand me so much and I really love the support and posts you give me.

As for hubby - I hope that one day he understands snd tealises thst I just can’t do everything. Marriage to me is very important. And we both need to work through this not just me.

Im going to have a sleep for a bit. Not sleeping well takes its toll.

Chat leter @Owlunar ❤️❤️

Yesterday we received a final notice for water bill which is $500. I had to call them cause hubby won’t. I had to feel terrible and guilty and explain to the company that we’re struggling and if we can have a payment plan. She suggested if we pay fortnightly it will pay off debt.

When hubby came home before I said to him and kids to - watch water usage. Don’t leave water on while brushing teeth as hubby does. And don’t wash dishes without filling up sink. It wastes so much water. The water company said we’re using too much water equivalent to having a swimming pool.

So hubby then has a shower and sits in the study. How do we communicate if he goes off into another room. I was angry because I have to do this all the time

@BlueBay -

You are one of the strongest people I have ever met - you continue to push on through all of this battle - weary and often weeping alone and doing your best day after day with little support at home and after you attend to a big bill like that Huffnpuff just goes off into another room and does whatever he does - really - that is so sad

I lived through a lot of the same and gave up - our marriage wasn't bad - it was sad - and I see the a lot of the same with yours - lack of communication - and there are none so deaf as those who will not hear and some people are like that

Of course if the other partner - you and I - pick up the slack why should they? I guess they never think of it but they are not pulling their weight - and this is not good at all - I wonder how you stick with it when there is so much pressure on you

Why be ashamed to cry when you are sad and frustrated, lonely and lost? - You haven't done anything wrong - you are a victim of crime and I know what it's like when your parents write you off - really tough. What did you do wrong? Nothing - you were just a little child

We need not - hate the word but should not - be ashamed of Mental Illness - it's a mystery to me why that could be the case but I know it is. People would not feel ashamed of a broken leg or pneunmonia - they would be in hospital or bed - both of course - and be cared for - hopefully. No shame - they wouldn't need to cry -

When I had depression - and I knew what was causing it - I did not feel shame. Frustration and anger and fear of the future because I knew where it was all leading. People said stupid things to me and I left my first church during that time.

Why should I be where I was not understood and told I was not a good enough Christian - who is? But my life went on

The good news is that it does get better but with Huffnpuff washing the dishes under the hot tap - he could put the plug in the sink of course and add some detergent - and turn off the tap when cleaning his teeth - I actually thought people did that since the 13 year drought - but maybe not - and 4 adults and a baby in the one house would need a lot of water - but it's weird they would say that

I had a text message about the amount of power I used last winter - of course I do - I live alone but it must cost the same to heat a house for one person as it would for 5 - and it gets cold here and I told them my place is freezing and I have a bad back and getting cold is something that really made me unhappy and I will pay the bill without discussion because I could. But here's the thing - it doesn't matter how many people live in a house it costs money to run that house.

Try and not be upset BlueBay - you are doing a great job there - and although you don't feel like it you are incredibly strong - the first thing you have to deal with is overcoming the anger you have in your about your abusers - can't change it - somehow you have to accept it - you know that and I have said it before -

I forgave my mother for so much - and everyone thought my mother was a sweet little old lady - truly - I got sick after her funeral and spent the night in hospital because I fainted. I had to let go of her stuff - I couldn't carry it around any more - she chose to act as she did - maybe the hardest part is that she thought she was in the right and couldn't be wrong and she was so wrong.

So I know it's really hard - but hey - I am a lot older - the time will come - I am sure of it - when you will make the breakthrough - and it is a process not an event with fireworks and bright lights and marching bands even if it is all in your imagination. It happens gradually

I have known you for over 3 years not and you have come a long way - there was a time when I didn't interact with you - this was because I didn't understand this is a peer support forum and I didn't feel okay about writing the things I do now - but you have grown and changed and write more and make excellent sense

You may always be emotional with black and white thinking but that's you - we can change some things but not all -

I think you are battling but otherwise - battered but better

Dec

Oh @Owlunar wish I could give you a hug in real life ❤️ Tears as I’m reading this. I don’t see myself as a strong woman but when I have to do a lot of the things on my own it is a strong person that can do it. It makes me realise just how much I need to do.

I kniw a lot of me not crying is my fault. And I was just thinking why I don’t. I was never allowed to show my emotions at home as a child. I remember crying the day my grandmas funeral and dad told me to stop crying. He said ”what are you crying fir”. I’ve always been known to be a sensitive sook.

Yes I suppose having A eith us would use more water. And if they all have quicker showers it would cut down a bit. I’ve told them all to be mindful.

I struggle a lot with my mental health and why I’ve got it. I don’t ono how to accept it. I find it difficult. I think maybe because mental health was such a taboo topic years ago. I know for sure that my parents don’t understand mentsl health.

You’re right I need to release my anger towards the abusers. I don’t know how to accept what happened. I think fir me because of the BPD I think the word “accept” to me means it was ok to abuse me. I can’t get my head around this.

Yeah bkack snd white thinking - my psychologist said this is my default. My go to eith everything.

Thankyou for being here for me. I really appreciate your love and support.

I better go to wirk. Chat later on today. Have a nice day. Stay warm it’s cold out there. ❤️ Xxoo

Hi @BlueBay

Where do I start - okay - hugs - it's a long time since I had one except for ritual hugs and kisses when my family members meet and it's all very restrained. Strange that. My sister in law gives bear hugs - it never hurts to have a bear hug and return it - it means a lot to me and she is my ex-husband's sister - not mine

Actually - on the morning after my mother died I met my sister at my daughter's house to talk about the funeral - my sister had to drive right by my house but she didn't pick me up - and when I got to my daughter's house I moved to kiss my sister and she backed away from me and crashed into the fridge - what a strange person she is and she must really hate me - oh well - she can - I don't hate her though -

Anyway - you are strong and it takes one to know one - I have been told I was strong through all the years with my son in so much trouble - I didn't feel it - really - I was in a state of constant hypervigilence for the phone calls that kept coming. Never mind that - I understand though - I wasn't allowed to cry at my son's funeral - my mother stopped me and yet after Dad's she sat in her wheel chair yelling and crying and this was super hard to take after her behaviour when my son died - I understand what you are saying - wny not cry at funerals? - I cried all through my mother's to my embarrassment - and I have no idea why was crying or why I was embarrassed - it's one of those things

(an after-thought - perhaps she wasn't there to stop me)

It's perfectly normal to cry and in Italian and Irish cultures more so - and it's weird that it's so often taboo - I have to admit I hate crying but after I do I feel a lot of release - we have a hormone that we release in our tears which is a good thing to happen - but messy and yukky - aw - the stories I could tell but let's not

There is a stigma attached to mental health - I think it goes back to the days of the Catholic Church and superstitions and other stuff you must know about. In the days of the Bible people were often thought to be obsessed - really bad - just misunderstanding. Our societies understand more now but the confusion still exists. The main thing though could be we need to accept it ourselves - yeah - millions of thoughts - they can wait.

Yes - you do need to accept your abuse but it is never okay - it never will be - take a lot at my son - I have had to accept all of that and it will never be okay - having a look at a different case and give us a different perspective. It's not a case that something is over and we can forget it - we never will - it was terrible and we were so tortured by the events it changed us forever.

My mother's physical and emotional abuse is the same and you have had emotional abused too - and the way she treated my brother was worse than how she treated me - I don't think anyone knew and I understand she couldn't help herself - that's acceptance - but it was never okay and never will be - I got over it when she died but my brother - no - I don't think he can - so it is very hard

My mind is very complex - I learned at university that I am able to accept contradictory ideas and hold them in my mind easily - for whatever reason - we are all different after all and that makes the world interesting - to me very few things are totally black or white but in between there are millions of shade of grey. I was there for 12 years studying part time and it was a mind expanding event that really endures and not everyone has that chance it's true but I can pass on the message. Perhaps it's like splitting hairs but the truth is that nothing is black or white entirely

But as a child you were betrayed. I think about what happened to you and wonder where your mother was that she never noticed. I was very vigilent with my daughter and she was often annoyed by it - she told me that I was over-reacting but I knew more about life than she did -

Have you asked yourself what your mother was about? Where was she and what was she thinking about? Okay - like everything else there might be something to discover and accept but whatever it was - it will never be okay that it happened.

It's a great load to carry though

Care heaps

Dec

Hi all! As mentioned a little bit further up this thread, we are going to move this thread across to 'Our Stories' area 😊 This is just in line with some work we have been doing to make it a bit easier for newer members to navigate and when a thread moves to a bit of a longer section that changes a bit in topic, it has been noted it could be more suited for our stories. Thanks all ror responsing and for being onbaord with this! The thread might not be accessible for just a few minutes while it moves across, just FYI.

Hi @Owlunar

I’ve often wondered where was my mum. Why didn’t she stop this. Not once but three different guys. How can she not know. I remember when I told her about my uncle she said to my sister “I csnt believe that because I was there in the kitchen”

so What nothing was happening because she was in the kitchen.

She had my younger sister as a newborn when I started getting abused.

I kniw that’s no excuse but she would have had my brother at 12, me 9, my sister 6 and my newborn sister.

Do you know I csnt remember parts of my childhood. I can’t remember any toys. I had no favourite toys. No friends from school. I had no one. Pretty sad when I think about.

do you know I remember being I. Primary school and a young boy came up to me snd touched me under my dress. Quite a few times. I’ve never told anyone except now. I still kniw his name. It’s emvedded in my head. What a disgusting creep.

I am angry writing this. I so want to scream at my mum and say all these things like “where were you”. Why didn’t you protect me?

I can’t belueve how your sister reacted when you went to give her a hug.

And to not cry at your sons funeral because of your mum. I can’t imagine how much pain you were in. That must hurt. ❤️

@Owlunar How do I let go of the abuse? You may not be able to answer. I’m the one that needs to let go. I just don’t know how without being so emotional.

Some days I just want to scream but that won’t go anything

Hi @BlueBay

I read all this last night - really understand what you are saying - I thought about it a lot and rest assured I am still thinking about it - it deserves a really deep answer

Dec