not feeling good

Oh I totally understand @Razzle

tiday at my doctors I was sobbing dnd felt like a little child sgsin. Then I think how pathetic sm I being kind a child.

Why is that I wonder??

the fear is huge. Here for you ❤️

I’m sngry tonight. Think it’s at my abusers who have ruined my life. I want to scream.

Im sorry I don’t want to trigger you

@BlueBay I’m not triggered, just a bit sad, frustrated, lonely. I want to scream too, but I don’t think there is anyone to hear me.

My husband had a one on one session with my councillor today because he hasn’t really coped with the information shared with him about my assaults. We had hoped (myself and my councillor) that my husband would have a better understanding, get some things off his chest while I wasn’t around, maybe break down a few barriers, possibly start a conversation, maybe even start to mend our broken marriage, and finally start to offer some much needed support. I had some pretty high hopes, as it turned out my husband has kind of retreated into his own world.

I feel a bit in limbo, my brain has run away with all the scenario’s of what may have gone down in that session. I feel disgusting, ugly, dirty and pathetic and when I don’t see any support from him I feel like he see’s me the same way. It’s a horrible feeling. Your right, the abusers ruined my life then, they’re still doing it now.

My life is nit worth living. Snymire.

Csnt fi this snymire.

Im over it.

Hey @BlueBay,

Sounds like things are tough this morning. Its important to get the support you need if it is one on one:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

Or call your GP

Online chat services will open soon with SANE and lifeline as well is you prefer that 🌻

Hi @Former-Member

dpoke to my doctor snd the CAT team. I’m feeling suicidal but nit going to act.

Havr yo ring my doctor at 2pm if I don’t he will call an ambulance snd police.

I have bedn tefused a health care card from Centrelink because we “earn too mych”. What a joke. I csnt psy sll the bills. And now csnt apply for energy relief grant to psy our gas snd electricity.

Im over it all.

I want yo disappear forever.

Oh B.B, not being able to afford the basics while you struggle finding reasons to stay alive is so hard, but trying to reach for help - you get told by even welfare agencies that your hard work to stay afloat is not only not appreciated, but working against you... ouch!

oh boy, I can really understand how this circumstance is so confusing & a big trigger for you BB
FEELS like being abandoned
FEELS alone in your time of need.
FEELS Like you don’t matter
FEELS like a wrong punishment
FEELS like it’s never gonna end
FEELS like there’s no way out but to...

But remember, as hard as it is...
FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS BB

I think maybe Old feelings from when you needed to be rescued as a child, have been triggered to resurface, You needed to be rescues as a child and nobody came. And it felt like a punishment. even Like you deserve to die. But you don’t

I know it well, reliving the feelings, but not the MORE painful visual, is so confusing. Intrusive emotional flashbacks, (@Adge taught me this - thank you ADGE)

It was not your fault then because you were a helpless child, And you do not need to be executed, not then or now.

(talking to myself here 😕 )

Children cannot handle trauma alone, you have to remind your inner child that you can handle this now, together. And you can.

I’d give you the money to pay these bills if I could. But on the grand scheme of things, money is about ‘bean counting’ and ‘cookie cutting’ and trickery, and we all get that wrong from time to time. No point crying over spilled milk so to speak. Get a couple of extensions, buy less for a few weeks and catch up. You don’t need the rescuers anymore, you can handle this one yourself. Just don’t confuse it with how you were made to feel as a child.

Having said all that, I had similar overwhelm last week and live to tell the tale, PLUS - actually experienced joy a few times since, which I’m glad I didn’t miss.

It’s a BPD / cPTSD thing BB and I really do understand, it hurts.., but you’re not alone.

Please ride it out, spend a day watching movies if you have to, but it will pass.

BigBigBIG HUG for you B.B. 🌸💕

Sorry about the edits guys, sometimes a post feels like an artwork that’s never quite finished lol. Hope I’ve helped and not made things worse.

having said that, I’m so lifeless I haven’t got out of bed and it’s 1pm. Really need to go sort myself out B.B. But will be holding you up in prayer, you’ll get through this, 🌸💕

Oh @Former-Member I’m crying and wish I could hug you. All those FEELINGS you wrote is how I’m feeling. A scared little girl.

I know you understand. All these emotions are so hard.

I feel like I’m downing in a whirlpool of negative emotions.

Thsnkyiu fir your support. ❤️❤️

Thsnkyou @Former-Member thsts so nice. I only wish I could believe it.

@Former-Member@s-jay

its too hard. I csnt think. Can’t comprehend how on earth are we going to psy these bills. To me it’s huge.

Crying isn’t helping. My scared thoughts are around my mind at the moment.

I just don’t kniw what to do. We hsvr cut back as much as we really can. We don’t enjoy ourselves. We have no money to enjoy ourselves.

Its sll my fault. I’m guilty. If I was well mentally I could wirk more and contribute more - but I can’t. Makes me feel sh..t