not feeling good

I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!

@Faith-and-Hope@outlander@Zoe7

Saw my psychologist last night and I told her everything from how emotional i have been, crying in the mornings and in the nights. Feeling angry, overwhelmed and exhausted from all of this. Told her i am pretending that i am fine when i am at work and at home with my family. Told her i am exhausted from doing this as well.

We then spoke about something that was positive and beautiful in my life that i could remember. i told her about my grand daughter being born, that it was a beautiful memory and day for me. But after a few minutes i broke down and sobbed and sobbed, holding my hands up to my head and closed my eyes. She was in the background telling me it's okay to just breathe through it that i was safe and okay. But i just kept sobbing, she asked if it was my inner child that was coming out as i was holding my grandchild and i said yes and then i cried again.

i mentioned to her that i have a lot of fear maybe from breaking down, fear of getting better and the unknown. I then told her i can't do this anymore, this pretneding this whole thing. i then said i need to self harm, i need to get out of here, i need to run away and hide. she asked it wouldn't help if i did that. but i said yes it would, i she understood what i was trying to say. that because i pretned people in my life don't really know how i am, but she said it wasn't the right way about it.

she asked if anyone else knew how i really am. no, i told her, no one else knows except her and my doctor. theuy are the only two that i can open to openly and honestly. not even my close freinds know how i am, i tell them i am okay.

because once i made the mistake of telling a close friend and the next time i saw her she told me to stop telling her stuff becasue she didn't want to hear it anymore. Boy was i in shock when i heard that, talk about rejection and abandonment!!!

that's why now i tell no one how i feel. but my psychologist thanked me for letting her in to my honesty and trusting her.

she explained that childhood trauma is a very complex issue to go and work through, and that i will need to go through these roller coaster emotional rides to heal. but i told her i am scared, i am overwhelmed with all these emotions. she said she understands but she is here for me.

tonight i feel emotional overwhelmed exhausted and fragile again. i don't want to do anything anymore, my life is going downhill quite quickly. i don't know if i can do all this, it is going to take a long time and i don't have the energy to keep fighting. i am over it all.

@outlander@Zoe7

Are you guys around. If not doesn't matter

I'm chatting to @MDT in my other post about time to disappear. These thoughts are huge. I just came home from work dinner. Didn't want to go but I ended up going. Now I'm feeling so not good. I feel like I need to open up and be more honest but am very scared. It's frightening. I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything seems or feels really hard and challenging

I don't know @outlander you can if you want. I'm so confused. Maybe i shld just go to bed.

I'm exhausted

I'm over my life

my family don't deserve me anymore

no one deserves

im no use to anyone