not feeling good

Goodnight @BlueBay .... sleep well. .... 😴💕

Thought I'd try to get in first BB

Thankyou so much for last night - you have no idea how much you helped @BlueBay

Sometimes it takes just a little to do a lot - just as you are my beautiful little yellow flower - each time I 'see' you there is a tiny ray of joy that comes into my life - no matter how either you or I are feeling - and that means the world to me

Aww @Zoe7 I have tears of joy

Thank you so much it means so much to me to feel like I have helped you.

I try my best, wait now i am crying.

i am not doing well Zoe, i am struggling, i left muy GP an emotional wreck. i don't know wny i am even crying, i just feel so depressed

i feel you understand me so much and we have a friendship,

thank you for being you and for listening and caring and sharing

I'm so glad i was able to help you last night, i knew you weren't in a good place

BB

sending you lots of hugs @BlueBay

I really wasn't @BlueBay - I was definitely heading down a dangerous road - and I knew it. If you hadn't come on when you did I was actually just about to log off and - well let's not think about what I was going to do next

I had a good 'chat' with Rockpool a little later and even though it was difficult it did help a little. I am finding helpline being available longer really helpful - as that is the time of the day when I am usually in most need of help. Even just knowing it is there - without having to use it - also helps.

Now back to you BB.

Did you tell your GP about not taking your night meds?

yes he knows @Zoe7 and i had to make a promise that i would take them this week until i next see him.

i am hopeless, stupid, dumb, whatever other negative word you want to use - that is me at the moment

i am crying, i am hurting, i am ANGRY

can't work out who or why i am so angry, i told my gp i wanted to be in hospital but he didn't listen, he suggested i try to distract and go for a walk but it startedf to rain as i left his clinic. so that was that.

you know Zoe i feel like i am going downhill very quick. i am crying and want someone to just give me a hug and tell me i will be okay.

i told my GP i am sick of all of this, sick of being like this, taking these meds, angry all the time and having these flashbacks of past abuse, old childhood house, wanting to SH so much. I am not well. i know that much.

he told me i can call him anytime, every day if i have to but only see him once a week.

he will prob be sick of me soon and abandon me too, like everyone else has.

OK @BlueBay stern butterfly wings on for a second! Your GP is not going to abandon you - he has told you this before when you have had these same thoughts. It is natural that your mind goes there again when you are not well. He would not be telling you that you can call him everyday if he was going to abandon you BB - not every GP would even go that far so he is one of the special ones out there and he really seems to care about you.

In saying that - it may not be that he isn't listening to you but has the same frustrations around when a hospital bed will become available (and you have already said he wasn't impressed with your psych being away for longer than was said) - so I think you are both feeling similar frustrations and he is powerless to do anymore atm.

I know this is all very frustrating for you and I suspect alot of the anger is stemming from these frustrations and the fact that you know you are not well, you are asking for help, seeking support and it is not as forthcoming as it should be. Stick in there my beautiful friend - it is coming, it is just taking time.

In the meantime - lean on me, on others here and we will walk with you through this time (I will be sitting on your shoulder of course )

@Zoe7

i so hate my psych for being away for so long. i so hate the other psych who wouldn't admit me in hospital a few weeks ago. he told the nurse unit manager 'he refused to admit me'. WTF.

i am angry inside my head, my body i want to rip into something to get rid of everything, my anger, my emotions my everything

i can't think straight, i need to do something so i can then stop

it is no use just sitting here typing anymore, i need to

i know you are listening, thank you

he does care, my GP does care

this is so frustrating i want to SH so bad, the urge is so strong at the moment

i could just go and grab something

i need some help, but am too scared to ask for it

You can't go for a walk BB (is it still raining?) Can you take Jersey out for even 5-10 minutes to walk off some of your built up adrenalin @BlueBay? I would say run around the house but your hubby might call for help himself then lol

Strange suggestion @BlueBay - do you have an old newspaper or magazine? If you do - grab it, find a quiet place on your own and rip it up.