not feeling good

@BlueBay I can hear how hard you are fighting. You are not mad and your are not crazy, you are coping the best way you know how, and you know that SH does not leave you feeling good. Which is why you are fighting so hard to not do it now.

It sounds like the only potential benefit is seeing your dad (Apologise that I do not know how your relationship is with him), could you not reach out to him now?

@LouLouMagoo No i can't reach out to him because 7 yrs ago i told my parents i reembered i was sexually abused as a child (over 40 yrs ago). i was yelled at by my mum she told me i have betrayed the family for telling them. i was emotionally and verbally abused by her. To this day they are not talking to me. i sent them letters explaining my depression and how much i miss them but she posted the lettert back. it hurt so much. she is controlling, manupuliative mother who controls my dad too. he has no mobile phone, no computer so no contact. i cannot contact him. i miss him so so much. i love him so much yet i can't see him.

so i will SH tonight and he can see me when i go to hospital. that's the only way i can see him.

she is horrible. she has controlled me my whole life until 7 yrs ago and i am paying for it even now.

Ohhhhhhhh @BlueBay, keep on keeping on my friend , look towards your family , you are going to be a noona soon , look at the wonderful things you have made for the baby xoxo

@BlueBay sorry you had to re-explain, I can hear your pain and hurt.
I encourage you to call any of these services before you make a decision.
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659467
beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 46 36

Look after yourself as best you can at this stage

Hi @BlueBay,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so deeply with the agony of not being able to contact your dad. I continue to grieve very deeply for the man I perceive as my dad, twenty one years after he pushed me away. I think of him every day and desperately wish that things could be right between us, but alas I know they never will be.

I wish I could tell you that it stops hurting @BlueBay, but for me at least, it hasn't. I was nineteen when he pushed me away and I know that I have sort-of been frozen in time since then. My world simply stopped.

So yep, I hear you.

You mentioned your hope that if you land yourself in hospital, your dad will come. I'm not sure based on what you have said about your situation, how realistic it is to think he will come. I know I certainly did a lot of desperate things over a lot of years to get my father-figure to come to me. It didn't work.

I truly hope that your relationship with your dad is restored at some point @BlueBay, but I'm not sure that landing yourself in hospital is the way to achieve that.

I'm sorry I don't have anything actually useful to say. I really wanted to just let you know that I get the agony of being apart from someone you love and long for so deeply.

Oh @Phoenix_Rising
I am so sorry you don't speak or see your dad. I really understand. I was crying when reading your reply to me because I know you totally understand my pain.
You know i don't think i will ever see my dad again. I am so scared that he will die and i won't get to see him (now i am crying) and if that happens i will be so damn angry with my mum.
The pain is so intense, it's sometimes unbearable. It's like something sharp going through my heart. He has done so much hard work for his children to live a comfortable life that's all he wanted for his kids and yet now he can't even see me - all thanks to my mum. she is so controlling and manipulative.
I do hope that the relationship can be restored but i am not sure it ever will.
Thank you for being nhere for me, it means a lot to have someone just talking to me; keeping me safe.
I am okay, i didn't SH last night. But boy was I close to doing something bad.
I am angry with another support service though, I chatted online with them and got to the point where i was very close to SH and told them online to stay on with me to help me and the next thing they said find something soothing to do - i told them i would go to bed and cry myself to sleep and then they said 'oh thats good' and then they cut me off and ended the chat session. I didn't even have time to say thanks for helping me, notyhing. it was really odd. it left me feeling angry and strange.
today i am home with hubby and adult boys. did grocery shopping with hubby. it is raining and i might just rest up, i have a slight sore ear and a cough, hope i am not getting sick.
this week is the start of my new working hours 10-2. not happy with these new reduced hours because it means reduced wage. but its out of my control.
what are you up to today @Phoenix_Rising
take care my friend BB xxx

Hi @BlueBay,

Yes, I can certainly relate to the agony you describe. As I said, the man I perceive as my dad isn't technically my dad, but he is in my brain. His pushing me away was the catalyst for my whole muddle - such a very long time ago now. I love him very much and send him a birthday, Christmas and Father's day card every year. I don't even know if he is still living at the same place. I send the cards with no return address because I couldn't cope with them being returned. I will continue to do it until the day I die, even though I know that even if he is still living there now, at some point he will move on.

Back in 1996/97 when the saga was unfolding, all the mental health professionals told (E) that if he cut all contact with me, I would get over my "fixation." My attachment to him was very much pathologised and that is why my grief became so very VERY complicated. (E) ended up taking a restraining order out against me...and then a second one...on the advice of the mental health professionals. Such a very big and horrible mess.

I don't think the pain ever lessens @BlueBay, but I think I have learnt to live better with the pain. It still super super SUPER hurts and I would do anything in the world to restore the relationship. However, I think after twenty-one years, I have become more accepting of the reality that the relationship, like so many relationships since, won't ever be restored. I recognise that I am gradually becoming more accepting of being alone.

What I DO know is that the intense grief is NOT pathological. It is a perfectly normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I know that because that grief has not been processed and was horribly complicated by the way the situation was handled within the mental health system, it has led to other muddles (as evidenced by the ongoing and a-typically intense grief I'm experiencing over CherryBomb leaving). However, the original loss and subsequent grief was a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I know that if I had been better supported through that situation, I would never have ended up with the muddle I have now.

It sucks that the helpline was unhelpful. I've used lifeline's online chat only once. It felt like I was talking to a robot. I'm pretty sure a skilled IT person could create a program that would respond in the same way as the person on the end of the chat did!

I'm glad you have your husband and kids with you, even though I know that doesn't ameliorate the grief you feel regarding your dad.

I had a nice day. I managed to tidy my desk, which I've been aiming to do for weeks. That's about all I did, but I feel good for having achieved SOMETHING.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

7 yrs ago when all this childhood abuse came out I sent my parents a lettert explaining the abuse, my depression, and how hurt I was when my mum yelled at me and verbally abused me. But she sent back the letter and that hurt me even more.

Two months later it was my dad's birthday so I posted a birthday card with a bunnings voucher - only to receive it back - that was the most painful thing that ever happened to me. To receive that back was terrible, heart breaking.

So now i don't send anything, and when it's his birthday i write a birthday poem, or something in my journal, i write a letter to him, but don't post it.

my psych tells me i am grieving for the loss of my dad even though he is still alive.