not feeling good

Hiya @BlueBay Nice to see you my beautiful little yellowflower

I can only really explain what "I am not coping" means for me - it is different for everyone. I hope this helps:

When I say I am not coping it is the regular day-to-day things that are affected first. I don't move far from one spot, I can't focus on anything at all, my mind is usually in over-drive and I can't get any 'peace' from negative self-talk and flashbacks. My thoughts of 'it would be so much better if I didn't exist' are very prominent and I go over and over ways to stop the 'pain'. I can't deal with any kind of disruption to my solitude - I isolate myself both physically and mentally from the world - and the space directly around me becomes my reality - in other words I block out the world outside of my own mind and home completely.

I am not coping for me is a total surrender to loneliness and isolation and the total lack of energy and/or motivation to even survive.

@BlueBay i think speaking more to your psych would also help you as well. he can also help you through those thoughts and feelings

@Zoe7 did give a very good example as well

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@Phoenix_Rising wrote:

@Former-Member@Zoe7@BlueBay I am really sorry to hear you all have the sense of wanting to run away and disappear. I know this isn't even remotely helpful to any of you, but I wanted to say that your comments have reminded me how grateful I am that I have no one in my life. Even though this is scary in a lot of ways, the reality is that I HAVE run away and disappeared. I am completely free from the encumberment of family and friends. Of course, this also means I totally lack the support of family and friends, but your comments remind me that it definitely isn't all bad, being utterly alone in this world.

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Ah @Phoenix_Rising and @BlueBay

What you say is so true - when my life got tough and my mother and sister were b^tch^ing in a major way I left the family for years - and then I had my son taken into the foster care system - not my choice either - long story - and I got my husband out of my life - good thing.

But yeah - I found my feet but how hard all of these things were when the people in my life who were so important weren't there - it was so hard -

It all worked out for me - but the thought of running away now has a different idea in it - hard to explain - but years and years and then decades passed and people have died and I find I like the person I became without the difficult people in my life

But I do run away every few months - I make plans - I think - where will I go and how will I get there - I either see an agency and organise a flight or a buy a rail ticket and get someone to watch my cat and just go away by myself

Lonely - I think it could be but we are always the same person wherever we go

I think I understand - late autumn and early winter have the worst memories and it doesn't matter how fast I run or how far I go I find I still have to confront the memories from 1986 and so

Whatever I am trying to say is getting lost within the words - run away to the Gold Coast with your husband - enjoy yourself and make up for the years where things have been so hard for you

And run back home and take a new start - I so understand

You do have a lot happening and it is hard - but this I know - we are unique so every situation is different - and harder for some than others - but hard - yes - it is very hard

I do understand - darn all these words - whatever I am trying to say is getting lost in the words

I care

Dec

Aw @utopia

I am sorry you had a stroke - that was unfortunate - no wonder you were sort of space out or something - it was what you told us - I did not notice this in anything you said

I hope workcare can see their way to paying for your trip into hospital - can you go in under medicare or your insurance if they don't? - I saw something on TV about workcare and treatment - insurance etc - how the system makes it harder

I just hope everything works for you

Lots of hugs Utopia

Dec

I wonder how sick people have to be to get into a public hospital like that @utopia - it sounds mouldy

And rough when you don't have private insurance - which is massively expensive

And if I needed a few days in a private hospital for my spine that would not happen even though I have the private cover - I am disgusted about that - I would still have to go to the ED and I will not take my chronic pain into the ED - where I would wait around taking up space for no purpose - absolutely right about those big companies making money out of other people's misery

But at least I am glad you have at least 5 days - and I so hope you get more - I haven't read much about what is going on for you except that you know this has been coming on for a while - this site is so big now there is no way I can read everything so people's stories can get by me

So I do wish you the best and hope you can settle to rest tonight - ah - I have had my first nights in the Melbourne Clinic in the past - very tense and very hard to get through and sleep nights

I hope it is okay and they give you something to give you a restful sleep at least

All the best Utopia

Dec