not feeling good

I often wish I did not feel or think the things that I do too. @BlueBay Just learning to accept me as me and not get too hard on myself. Easter would be a triggering time for you.

Glad you are still around on your thread. I dont pop in all the time but still its good to see you.

Thats a problem for so many people .. being our own worst critic.

Are you doing anything for yourself tonight, or is it hard with everything in boxes?

@BlueBay Even though I haven't been able to be around for a while, I have been thinking of you and hoping that you are ok. Even when you don't hear from me, I am still sitting on your shoulder and shining a light for you to be able to see the strength and courage you have within. Like so many others here BB - I believe in you, care for you and want only the very best for you.

Sending you all my love - today, tomorrow and always...

Zoe

Hi @BlueBay

I have been thinking today how things are with you and came to some kind of realisation

There are so many good things happening in your life but you are still feeling so distressed - and I think you really do need to go to hospital - there is something dragging you back to your mother over and over again - and this is not good at all

I know it is possible to break free from our mothers - it takes time and effort and belief in ourselves but it can be done - and I really think now that you need that time to yourself and some intense professional help to overcome this - and it won't be easy

You are in my thoughts BB - and also - I have cried in church - and not just in the pews but at the communion rail - that day I was crying about my son - and that was the worst thing that ever happened to me - having him die the way he did - and I got through that though it took a long time and needed a lot of help

Who cares about whether we cry in church? If people are unhappy about that they don't realise what the Eucharist is all about - Christ died for us - to save us - because God so loved the world that he gave his only son to die on the cross for our salvation

Of course God knows how you feel - because Christ lived among us and suffered everything we can possibly suffer - and not in the same way - he was rejected - he was treated with cruelty, betrayed, denied

Don't worry at all what people think - be yourself - after all - you are at the centre of your life story just as we are the centre of our own life stories

I believe in you

Dec

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@BlueBay wrote:

@Shaz51

St Kilda beat Collingwood.

@Shaz51can I ask you something? How do i go back to church? I haven't been for a long time and every time i think of going i get so angry and upset. I think I am angry that God couldn't protect me when I was sexually abused. Each time I think i could just go into church, sit there and just be on my own - i get so upset. do you have any advice?

BB xxoo

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Hi @BlueBay

I hope you don't mind me replying to your post here but I have gone through this anger for years and overcame. Many people struggle with faith for these reasons. I came to the realisation that others have free will and God doesn't want these hurts - and that He brings healing through those who show me unconditional love and compassion and support (friends, some family members and even at times strangers). When we are down we can miss this. That's how He tries to make the wrongs right. And He too was abused and mistreated on the cross - in all his innocence. For us. And sometimes I join him there. And I can see his protection through the love of my husband and the good in some special others. That's how I dealt with my spirituality crisis (I was a staunch atheist for many, many years prior).

Church is good and some of the congregation/religious people can be supportive and inspiring. But you can talk to God anywhere and at anytime and ask for help. Pour your heart out to Him. And in some shape or form, through others or through added inner strength and guidance - he talks back. And he cries with us and for us. That I have no doubt. Hugs xx

Hi @Zoe7

thank you, i don't know what else to say at the moment, but thank you for being with me on my shoulder. It means a lot to not feel so alone.

Hi @Owlunar

I think you are right, somehow there is still something dragging me down. And whether it's expectations, shoulds, my own thinking of a mum should be; the loss of a connection with my mum and my dad; the inability to share so much good news with them. it hurts so much.

I think I do need a hospital stay again, how crap is that? How bad am I that each time I have a 'break down' I end up in hospital becuse i just can't cope on my own. Will that ever change?

I am seeing this new GP this morning, I have been so honest with him right from my first visit last week when he ended sending me to hosptial.

Changes have been huge for me this year, and as much as they are posktive and much needed changes (the house) I know that once I am in there and settled I will be okay. It's when something happens to change my routine, my normality that's when i panic, feel overwhelmed and then can't cope.

I sometimes still feel like a child that so wants their parents. how dumb is that. i am 51 and i still can't move on; what the hell is wrong with me? 😞

i should be happy, with selling our home, moving and the baby. i should be really exciting. but at the moment this overwhelming dark fear is over me and it's scary.

Hi @Former-Member Reading your post this morning brought tears to my eyes. I sobbed and started talking to God. And i couldn't stop crying. I know church is good and that I can go anytime, but at the moment I am too fragile to even go inside. So for now I will pray and talk to God my own way at night in bed. Or in the morning when i wake up. Reading what you wrote about God loving us through you with your husband. I guess if I look at it like that, I do have a loving husband and three amazing adult children; one is who about to become a mum herself (October).

Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot. I have missed you on here; i hope your migraine disappears. I know what they're like, having sufferred one last few weeks. Also I hope your daughter is okay at the moment.

Thanks to my beautiful frineds on here for loving me the way I am, for not being judgemental but for giving me some advice and support. And just being here makes me feels not alone.

Hi @Appleblossom

This is really difficult for me. Self acceptance. I still have a lot of stuff in cupboards, I need to get moving, but I freeze everytime I think of packing. I will try today to do some more of the kitchen stuff. The house is starting to look a bit bare with no more pictures on walls.

Gosh there is still so much to do 😞

Hi @Former-Member @Owlunar @Zoe7 @Appleblossom @Former-Member @utopia @Faith-and-Hope @NikNik

I went to see my new GP this morning. I was feeling sick in the stomach. He told me that he was thinking about who I should see as a psych and he has decided to go with another one. This one that he suggests I know of through other patients at the hospital and he has a good reputation. He also works from the rooms where my new psychologist is. My GP phoned him this morning and I have an appt this afternoon at 2.30pm.

Now i am stressing because it means that my other psych will know that i am seeing someone else. and it also means that i have to tell this new psych 'my whole life story' from scratch. i don't know if i am able to. but my GP is hoping that this new psych will admit me into hosptial. this psych has admitting rights to the hospital, so maybe he can push along the waiting list and get me in quicker.

i dont' know what to think, i am confused, emotional, thoughts of SH, although my GP did ask me if i was safe and i answered 'i am not sure', my son is home but will be in and out. he urged me to contact lifeline, the CAT team or him if i feel like SH today.

I am so grateful for this new doctor. for months i have been asking my old gp to admit me into hosptial when i was really bad and he kept saying 'oh it's up to your psych, he has to'. but it's not true, because this mew gp has taken it into his own hands and organised it all.

i;ll let yoiu all know what happens this afternoon. wish me luck, i am scared 😞