not feeling good

Yes @utopia the kids LOVE the house. they are looking at 'their own rooms'. checking out the walk in pantry and outdoor deck area. Gosh i wish i could take a photo of it and put it up. i can always put the outside area up once we're in.

Don't worry @utopia there is a beautiful tree at the front and a few small trees in the back near the deck. you can come and climb on the back one if you like. At least i can keep an eye on you from the kitchen window!!! LOL

You know i did think last night of leaving the forum but i realised that i would have no one if i left. i am so glad and love being part of this huge family of beautiful caring people. Genuine, empathy, sympathy, frriendly and supportive; all so friendly and lovely. Non judgemental even though my head last night was telling me i would be judged. Gosh it's terrible how my mind works at times. So I thought, no way can I leave this place.

I tried to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and talk to him about my high anxiety. He wasn't free tomorrow but i will call again tomorrow mornig and see if i can see him.

Hi @BlueBay Just popping in to post you a message to hopefully brighten up your morning when you get it!

I am so very, very pleased that you decided not to leave the forum. I see your name or you beautiful beach avatar pop up and I smile. It doesn't matter what message you are posting - whether it is good news about the house or your daughter and her baby OR whether you are struggling. It may seem strange that even when you are not doing so well that I still smile - why - because I at least know that you are reaching out for support.

I am constantly amazed at your resilience and courage in getting through the tough times - it takes courage to ask for help especially when you are at your lowest and cannot see past the moment you are in. If you ever doubt the support you have or lack the belief in yourself - then come back to this post and read and re-read until you believe.

You are like that little yellow flower - your petals are full of light and your stem is vulnerable but strong. With each wind that tries to bend and break you - you sway with it but stand up straight again when it subsides. The wind will continue to blow and you will continue to sway and then recover.

...and your little flutterby friend will be here to help you stand tall once again.

All my love my beautiful friend...

Zoe

Aww @Zoe7 you made me cry but in a good way !!! And yes you have brighten up my morning, in between my tears I can see a little ray of light. 🙂

When I read your reply I never imagined I would make so many friends on here that are not judgemental or leave me. I have never had any close friends from school, no friends from primary school right up to high school. I had no close friends, actually no friends were ever allowed to come over and play and I was never allowed to go over to anyone's house.

Looking back now it is sad, i cry for my little girl inside of me for what she has missed out on. It hurts so much. I now look at my own daughter and she has a very close friend who has been with her since prep, yep that's 19 yrs of friendship. They have shared so much together and even now with my daughter's pregnancy this friend is so supportive.

I guess what i am trying to say is that even though all my years i haven't had one close friend I feel i do now with you and so many others on here. I feel i can say whatever i feel, and i guess that's the beauty of being anonymous.

@Zoe7 you have been through so much; and every time I read your posts I can see you are strong, you are getting there. I know some days are hard for you, but those days we ride through them like a wave and each time it knocks us down we get up again.

What you wrote about the flower and the petal it resonates with so much because that's how I feel at times. so damn vulnerable, emotional and some days i feel like my petals are eaten by a poisonous spider and that's when I fall back down. You described it perfectly.

At times i think why me; why do i deserve all this from others. why can't i see it that i am 'supposedly strong' when i don't see myself like that at all.

Sending you a big hug my little blue flutterby @Zoe7 xxxooo

My beautiful friend @Former-Member

How are you this morning? The sun is out here and I have the washing on; just finished breakfast. I want to go for a long walk this morning, might go to our new house and walk around there 🙂

I have a doctor's appt today; I always like to see him as he lets me be me. if i go in and cry he sits and makes sure i am okay. he is a great doctor.

What are yoiur plans for the the day?

I so get all of that @BlueBay - I don't have any close friends - and have kept people at bay most of my life. It was either a case of getting too close to someone and being hurt or not wanting anyone close enough to know what I was dealing with. Those feelings of shame and guilt and thinking I had done something wrong myself were certainly forefront in my thinking. Knowing now that it should have been the exact opposite for all those years does not change anything and I still keep my distance from people to 'protect' myself from any further pain. That is why this forum is so special to me also - there are no judgements (real or perceived) and the support is unconditional from people who can actually empathise with my situation. It does mean so much to me also.

I too have had long periods of thinking 'why me'- and just when I have started to get back on my feet it seems like I have been knocked down again. I don't know 'why me' but I do know none of it is my fault - and that has taken me a long time to come to terms with. There is some consolation in that - as hard as it still is to deal with.

Your strength I believe is similar to anyone who has been through what you have - it is in the ability to endure so much but still get through each day - in whatever form that day takes. That is just one reason why I feel connected with you and am so pleased that I can be here to help even just a little when you are not doing so well - your strength and your resilience really do shine through even in the toughest of times. I, and others, are here to remind you of this, and to hold you up, when you can't do that for yourself - the power of love is that you cannot see it but you know it is with you...

...still on your shoulder...

Zoe