not feeling good

Tell him everything my beautiful friend - especially about the sleeping 'issues' - it really is messing you up @BlueBay and I hate to see how much it is impacting upon you at the moment. Don't hold back anything today - get it all out and get the support from him you need.

Love you and thinking of you...

... and sitting on your shoulder always

Zoe

You got this @BlueBay Breathe in and out slowly - nerves are ok - just breathe with them. You can talk to him my friend - start with the sleeping issues and go from there. If you feel like you are getting stuck - grab a pen and paper off him and write down a few dot points as discussion starters.

You can do this my friend - I have a super amount of confidence in you.

...touch your shoulder and feel me there with you

You haven't stuffed up @BlueBay it was just too overwhelming for you - I so get that my friend. Sometimes these sessions do us more harm than good - that is why I have to have a break myself from them - it was destroying a little more of me each time and I was feeling worse not better.

Do the vegies, make a cup of tea or hot chocolate or whatever you like and just sit quietly and relax a little - I am going to do a few things myself but I will still be around for you.

I definitely don't want you to disappear - I think too much of you to not have you around - and that is with whatever emotions you are feeling. You are my friend and I love and care about you - I know that seems strange being it is in the 'virtual world' but it means something to me - you mean something to me.

Love to you always my beautiful friend

Zoe

Hey @Zoe7

I ytried to tell my psych how exhausted i am, he sat and listened and was watching me. i couldn't even give him eye contact. i told him i am so exhausted can't think properly, can't work properly at work. he says to me to take a tablet to help with sleep.

i told him how it was my dad's birthday 2 weeks ago and how hard that was for me. he asked if i am taking my meds and i said yes i am.

the trouble is with him is that the session is only 30 mins - you don't get much time to even begin to talk. by the time i open up and talk it's time to go.

i am going back in 3 weeks time to see him again, hopefully by then i will have slept better.

he thinks its the exhaustion that isn't helping with my thinking and depression.

i couldn't tell him about my sh thoughts or my destructive thoughts.

i even told him about my horrible dreams and he didn't say a word , nothing. i think i will write down some points and give them to my psychologist next week in the session. i feel that i can write better than talking.

we did talk about me 'getting better' and i told him that i want to stop my meds. he said why do you do this to yourself; this is the 4th time you are or have stopped your meds. he said he thinks that when i feel that i am doing okay i then stop my meds for fear of losing my support people, because in my head i am so damn scared of losing my support people. and i think it's the abandoment issues.

i looked up at him and said 'how do you know what i am thinking' - he knew that he was right and he knew that i knew he was right.

i then told him 'i don't want to talk about that anymore', i don't care.

@Zoe7i wasn't in a good frame of mind while in there, i was angry at myself.

i don't know anymore; i feel that my mental illness is with me forever. oh i did ask him when can i stop taking my meds and his answer was 'when you come to terms with being okay with yourself' - damn well that's going to take a long time.

i am never going to get better the way i am going. i so much want to SH tonight to show him; to get back at him.

Does anyone know which moderator is on tonight. I am feeling self destructive. don't worry @Zoe7 i just need to do something to relieve this tension in my body

@BlueBay If you SH it will only be you that you are 'getting back at' not him my friend - and there is no need to 'get back at yourself'! I think writing this down is a great outlet for you so you don't have to get so anxious about actually talking in your sessions.

I do agree that the exhaustion is feeding into your depression and your thoughts - and will also be having an effect on your dreams/nightmares as your mind is already in over-drive before you get to sleep.I know this too well from my own experience with exhaustion/lack of sleep and the subsequent nightmares.

Do keep taking your meds - your support people will not leave you - I know this is a real fear for you and they have re-assured you of this - it is hard for you to believe but they will continue to be there for you. This is such a huge issue for you and I do understand have much anxiety and vulnerabitlity there is in thinking that nobody will be there to support you because you really do need it - try to learn to trust what they are saying is the reality - hard I know but necessary for you to move forward even in baby steps.

Can you have a warm bath @BlueBay - would that help?

@Zoe7i can't, the bloody boys are having their showers. by the time one has his shower and then the other it will be late.

think i will take meds to sleep. there is nothing else to do. i am one of those horrible negative moods, so destructive, i think i should just go now.

you know it's so hard to sit in the lounge room with everyone watching tv and inside my body all i want to do is scream, punch, kick something. i want to scream, cry - but i cant. this is so difficult