not feeling good

Hi everyone

I am so f***d pissed off right now. Why does hubby have to huff and puff all the time. Every time i ask him a quyestion he huffs and puffs like it's a big effort.

1. at the beach before and I asked him what time it was, he was near the bag with the phone in it. he hjuffs and puffs and then tells me the time. (it was like a big effort for him to get the phone out of the bag)
2. we come home and i asked my daughter who is shopping if she can buy 2 chooks for dinner, so then hubby had to just go and buy the chips. daughter rings back no chooks lefts at supermarket!!! so then huff and puff hubby starts again - then he says "well i don't want chips", well he doesn't have to eat them does he,
3. he gets in the car and yells out so i can hear 'they make decisons for dinner and i have to go all the time' - referring to ME.

i can't do anything right at the moment. i was really angry with him at the beach and said why when i ask you sometyhing you huff and puff. Do you know what he's response was - "well that's what it feels like when you snap at me" OMG i know i have depression, BPD and anxiety and i know my behaviour at times is unintentional but bloody hell why can't he just be nice to me sometimes.

I don't huff and puff when he says something to me;

forget it

there is no point in continuing this post.

i am upset because i always feel it's my fault. how would he feel if he was suffering depression, being sexually abused as a child and have anxiety. how would he like it if his mum disowned him (like mine has).

Empathy - none

and you know there is never any conversation. if i don't start he never does. i don't get it.

our relationship is crap, and yeah it's all my fault. may as well blame me for this too; like everything else is my fault.

sometimes i wonder why i am even here; why am i still alive 😞

Ohh @BlueBay

It is not you my friend , sounds Like your hubby is having a bad day

try not to think it is you my friend , maybe he is hungary or he is stressing out about something

But he should not take it out on his family

@BlueBay I'm really sorry to hear that things are so tough for you at the moment. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but alas I have zero experience when it comes to coping with a partner and thus I really can't think of anything useful to say. Although this is of no help to you whatsoever, you have reminded me of the positive side of being alone in this world. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have to manage the giant emotions that are the hallmark of BPD while also navigating a close interpersonal relationship. Heck, I've managed to destroy every friendship I've ever had, so I know I'd have no hope in a more intimate relationship. I am sorry that you're having such a difficult day. I hope tomorrow is a brighter one for you.

Hi @Shaz51 @Phoenix_Rising

I always feel like it's all my fault.

Yes it is tough trying to sort out my BPD and then having to sort out a relationship. I don't know what else to say. i am still angry, not talking much to him or anyone.

i don't understand why i have to cop it though. you know if the computer isn't switched off at night he cracks it and says loud so i can hear 'oh they use it and i have to switch it off'; or if the back door isn't locked he will say the same thing. he says it loud so i can hear, he must think i am deaf and can't hear him.

i am sure he has OCD but he won't admit it. oh no, not even to see a therapist, oh no he thinks he doesn't need to see anyone.

not even to help me; no interest at all. never asks how i am or how did my session go with my psychologist or psychiatrist. never and do you it shits me so much.

i feel that he doesn't give a shit about me or how i am going. he knows i go every few weeks but never asks how the session went.

no wonder i don't talk to him much or i come on here to chat because i feel so so alone at home. i don't talk to my kids they are all busy with their own lives. the only time they will pay some attention or care is when i go back into hospital for a break.

i don't know what to do anymore; i don't feel loved anymore; don't feel part of anyone or anything anymore.

so really what is the point in staying here in this life ??

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@BlueBay wrote:

Hi @Shaz51 @Phoenix_Rising

i don't know what to do anymore; i don't feel loved anymore; don't feel part of anyone or anything anymore.

so really what is the point in staying here in this life ??

---

@BlueBay I am really sad to hear that you feel that way even though you have a partner and children. I often feel that if I had just one person in this world who loved me, I'd feel much more ok inside. But perhaps I wouldn't. Perhaps I'm simply dreaming that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Again, I have no words of wisdom. I too have no real point to staying in this life. I have no family and no career prospects and for me those are the two things that would make life worth living. Nevertheless, today I choose to maintain my 100% perfect track record of surviving each day living with BPD. I trust that you will do likewise - even if it does all seem quite pointless right now.

Hi @BlueBay

I am so sorry Huffnpuff has to carry on like a child- you have enough to deal with without him being so childish and put-upon. He does remind me of my ex-h at times - he was just plain lazy - but grouched at times

Usually he just never got around to things

I wonder how Huffnpuff would enjoy life alone? That thought just snuck sideways into my head - but if there is no one around to turn the computer on and no one to ask the time and whatever - unlock the door, drop towels on the bathroom floor, leave all the glasses on the coffee-table, bedside tables, any bench etc, spill stuff - on-and-on - all the bits and pieces of life that women usually deal with not commenting -

AW - he sounds like a pain in the tail

For you your health must come first - I know you do the cleaning and cook and more than I used to do when I was battling with PTSD and reactive depression in the usual major way - I could not do all you do - I think it's wonderful that you do.

All those issues are so trivial - I guess he has OCD but unless he gets something done about it himself I really feel he is missing the main point about your BPD - you need support from him and he huffs and puffs - oh dear

But you are important - and it is certainly worth your being in this world. We need to accept all kinds of things in this world and a lot of it is unpleasant - but his trivia - you don't need that

I think you feel taken for granted - I would be in your position - and that feels awful - probably why I am so happy living alone and sure - everyone runs around with their own lives but yes

I get it - yesterday was a bad day - I think today is better

But Huffnpuffs OCD is really more than annoying

I really do care - and I understand -

Dec

Thank you @Former-Member @Phoenix_Rising @Owlunar

I am taking one day at a time. Today he is at work so it is good. I sorted out my private helath cover, actually changed companies. i was sick of the high expense so i chsnged and it is a bit cheaper but with more beneifts and extras.

Kids are home today, daughter and partner and the boys. We just went out for coffee and light lunch.

Home now, feeling tired, so i may have a snooze.

i will come back later and chat. xxoo

Can someone help me pls?

I have been struggling with anxiety and fear of being hurt, shot or killed lately. I have had numerous nightmares where this has occurred.

Lately, I am very anxious while a passenger in the car. Very anxious. Also when at shopping centres i can't stand noises (loud) and want to leave. I also get very scared and anxious of being 'caught up' in a shooting siege or something terrible like that.

Sat night hubby and I went outy for dinner to a local restuarant. it was a small place with about 12 tables. it was so loud and noisy, people chatting loudly and laughing that i was feeling very anxious and as the noise got higher i was getting more anxious.

i have noticed this happening quite a few times now recently and not sure what to do.

any suggestions/advice pls @NikNik @Former-Member do yoiu think i need to up my meds and let my psych know. maybe these meds are now not working. can this be possible that i need another change?

@BlueBay. Yes I think you should tell your therapist about this increase in anxiety at your next appointments.

A change in anxiety does not necessarily mean that you need an increase in your medications.

Think of it more as your brains way of teaching you something. This might be the brain saying, this is an area that you need to work on. To focus on.

What do you normally do when you are feeling anxious? Especially when you are out in public?

Do you stop and tell yourself that you are safe, that there is nothing there that can harm you. Can you then take a deep breath, exhale. 3 deep breaths. Focus on your breath.

Then see what your Psychiatrist and Mental Health Workers suggest to help you through these moments.