not feeling good

I am sorry @BlueBay but what would you want to punish yourself when you have done so much work?

You've had a bad day - Something we all have and tomorrow you are going to work and you will take your medication.

There isn't anything you can do about that narky woman and nothing can undo it - the only thing you can do about her is accept that she's bitter

I have faith in you because you are strong - everyone agrees you are so you will be okay

Dec

Hi there @BlueBay

I am concerned about your post. Are you able to keep yourself safe tonight? Please reach out for support off the forum if you need help.

We are all thinking of you and hoping that you will be able to get some calm and rest soon.

Please take care

Whitehawk

@Former-Member @Owlunar @Jupiter @Maggie @Shaz51 and others reading
This mirning I'm ok for now.
I had an unsettled night with bad dreams. People trying to get rid of me. Confusing.

I think I know what's wrong with me.

I have two different personalities. One where I am this good person who goes to wirk, functions at home with 5 adults and a toddler.
the other person is this child. Very young, naive and innocent shy girl. She craves so much love, hugs and even more love. She was used, taken advantage of in a horrible way. She now punishes herself. She craves attention from what she missed out on as a child. She "creates these scenarios" in her child mind. She is wanting hrlp from others because no one was there for her at 9yrs old.

she is this very quiet person who does what she's told. Yet she does not argue or answer bsvk. She's too frightened.
she is thst little girl that wants to escape. She tried to run away as a child but she got into trouble.

I don't know where I'm going with this post. Don't even know why I'm telling you all.

this is me 😢😢

@BlueBay I think what you have written is insight.

Finding ways to comfort your inner child might help, if you can. I know I’ve posted this song for you before, but I’m posting it again, as I believe it’s comfort, beautiful and true. Even if you might not believe it now, someday you might, or in part.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aF7yFOlOk9M

Oh thank you @Maggie

i have listened to this before when you posted.
it's a beautiful song with very strong words and meaning.
I have tears listening

I'm not sure I believe the words right this moment

thsnk you for being here for me. It helps me a lot. Xxx

It's good you posted this @BlueBay - and it's not just for us to understand but for you too

You can't change that past but what else can you do about it - it's no good punishing yourself for it - you didn't do anything wrong - and I have told you before that it was a crime against you and so far and probably never now justice hasn't been been served and that's not your fault either

And the perpetrators don't care - and there's nothing you can do about that - historical abuse is hard to prove as you already know and I wish this wasn't your life but it is

The only person who can give you the love you want, need, desire, crave - deserve even - can only be provided by yourself. Other people can provide romantic love, filial love etc but only you can give yourself the permission to love yourself

I know you find this hard - a lot of people do - I am researching the subjects of self-esteem, self-respect and self-love and asked questions of other people about this subject and it's really hard to find the answer but it seems that it can only comes from ourselves and when it does searching for it from other people becomes less important

Your little child-self needs to be cuddled and soothed and then sent back to your past where she belongs - she didn't do anything wrong either but having her in your life so much now you are an adult is destructive

We all had rough and tough times in our childhood and there is only one thing we can do about it now is accept that it happened - it's not wrong to want things - but if those things are impossible we need to know that and accept it too - I have written so much about this across the forum and this week I was talking to someone at Life Line about accepting the past. I think everyone has something in their past that is a problem in our adult lives now and again -

It's really hard - I know this from my own life - but it's the only way - if anyone can think of another way I would love to know but I have reallly thought about this and I do care

Dec

Hi @Owlunar i will reply later.

why am I expected to come home from eirk and do everything

I csnt. I'm hurting. My bsvk is dire sgsin. After every shift I'm in psin.
why do I eirk? I need the money.
What's hubby doing you might be saying - well he's washing the cars and cut the grass. Like it had to be done right now. He's not working tomo.
Don't worry about me or this post. I don't care snymire.

My bsvk is so sore.
I just want to cry.
I'm going to have a magnesium bath after tea. Then bed.
I dontvcare about anyone or anything

I'm just so sore

and then repeat all this tomo when I work agsin.

whsts the point in working when I'm in in psin

@Shaz51 @Owlunar @Maggie @Former-Member and others

It's okay for you to go and lie down on your bed @BlueBay - you're in pain and worked all day in pain and you're entitled

Other people will get hungry and cook or stay hungry and that will be their choice

It really is unfair that you do everything

Dec

@Owlunar @Maggie @Shaz51 and others reading

Omg I've just had the BEST bath. I used magnesium flakes that had peppermint oil in it. Omg I relaxed and I could feel all the pain disappear.
I stayed in the bath for a really long time enjoying the alone time.

I think I'm going to have to do this more often.
early night tonight.

hubby did vac the carpet.

oh I had my blood pressure checked today and it was still on the high end.
get results bsvk from blood tests early next week.

goodnight my friends. Hope you all 😴 sleep well.