not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay

I hear you and also what other people have been saying and this is the right place to bring your woes and let it out - we certainly understand - some of us more, some of us differently - but we hear

About the post regarding abuse that triggered you - you did the right thing in emailing the moderators - that's one reason they are there - I didn't see it either - and triggers are one thing I understand - having had one recently when I was at the pain clinic when I was told again to see a psychologist about my son - eek - it does bite - doesn't it? There are things you don't want to be reminded of

And the past is set in concrete and can't be changed - for you it's childhood abuse - for me - it's the death of my son - there is no way to match or compare these things - both are terrible and I imagine I will have triggers for the rest of my life and also I am pretty sure you will have triggers too - but we can learn to accept them - endure them - know it's part of our lives - our story - what makes or breaks us - and that's all we can do and that's a tough bottom line. I get it

But Huffnpuff - that's a totally different scenario - some people are more accepting of a mate's painful habits and again - there is no comparison - whatever men do - and women too - can set our teeth on edge and finally I order my ex-h out of my home (his too of course) - and my life - it was destroying me.

He did different things - he was oddly silent a lot of the time - morose and I think in retrospect - depressed - and often saying the same useless things again and again - this situation was corrosive - destructive - and you are experience different events but it seems to me they are equally detrimental and heart-breaking.

How long can you put up with this? Walking around behind him picking up things he could pick up and putting away things he could put away is actually dragging you down down down. To me it seems you are really suffering unbearably and there is nothing he is going to do about his OCD - you really need to make a decision about what you are going to do - and I am sure you already know that not doing anything to change whatever bugs you is making a choice too - he needs shaking up

So - off the top of my head - there are two different things - maybe you have to do both - but one is to start letting him know that HE is a problem - pickitupyourself Huffnpuff - putitawayyourself Huffnpuff and go on strike

Or tell him to leave and if he won't - leave yourself - I know your marriage is important to you - hey - I have been through this and didn't want to break my marriage vows but a separation was necessary and I had let it go on too long for it to be repaired.

So letting this continue can be worse than a trial separation - which could hopefully shake him up - my ex had no bloody idea why I wanted separation - he couldn't understand it - awwwwwwwwww - I have said enough but like @Faith-and-Hope - I am just writing a bit more of my story to let you know you are not alone and also

Different people have different solutions -

Perhaps you need that time in hospital - you do need time to yourself and that is hard to get in a small house with 4 adults and a 2 yo - or is it 5 adults? - that's pretty tough -

And you do need your own activities - I have so many of them - I always did - I can't imagine life without them - but I understand this too - the way you are drained with your domestic situation you don't have the energy for a commitment toward something - I am pretty sure you have nowhere to keep your stuff if it is a craft - no time to concentrate on a good book, no TV time when other people are watching your TVs - every ounce of energy you have goes into running a house for a bunch of people who are taking you for granted

Whoops - I sorta got carried away there

You need to care for yourself BlueBay - and insist on some space for yourself, some time for yourself and for Huffnpuff to pickitupandputitawayhimself

I had better stop - but I care about you - and I think you did a great job working those extra hours but you need you own life - I had a life during the years of a marriage that lost its love and its first child - I studied - people told me not to - my mother was critical - I changed churches because of the social interference - I wasn't a good Christian - no one needs that kind of conversation

But I stuck with it and everyday of my life I am glad I did what I did and made the decisions I did because I feel I had a hard life but that it was worthwhile and I am pleased about my choices

I really hope you can find that place BlueBay - where you can at least feel good about your choices - but they have to be your choices and not something someone is forcing either actively or passively upon you

Sending hugs

Dec

@BlueBay you wrote:

why does your hubby have to whinge about the washing? How do you cope? Is hzving your own thing to do like your art course help?

When my hubby’s illness first began to show up (in the form it is now, cos the seeds were there before but it hadn’t triggered( he began working out excessively, and would change his clothes multiple times a day as he did. Swimming was included, so there were bathers in that lot too.

He wanted his clothes washed twice a day, but also wanted them back immediately they were dry. Can you see a “tall order” here ? I was putting his clothes through with family washloads, but that didn’t suit his new state of mind either.

He also didn’t have the patience to wait for them to dry outside, or to mind the weather, and he didn’t want to wait on the use of the clothes dryer, and when I could transfer the clothes between washer, dryer, folding them and returning them to their place in his wardrobe - the morning lot in the morning, and the evening lot in the evening. I had the five kids still at school or uni, and all the cooking and cleaning to do as well, and that was way overloaded for me. That was like needing a personal servant, especially as his food preparation went the same sort of way, six times a day ..... so I refused to support this dysfunctional mess of activity, that also threw our family life all over the place.

I was also trying to flag down medical help, because the need for control also included cameras, phone tracking, arguements about where we all were and when, and it was getting tighter ..... inappropriately commenting on weight and dress codes and more .....

His reaction was to start doing it all himself, but he wiped out the household management systems in the process. He bought a washer-dryer machine that takes half a day to process his clothes, so two loads a day .... do the maths ..... there was no opportunity to do the household, or anyone else’s washing. I have been hand-washing my own clothes and hanging them to dry in the bathroom for the last ten years. I was washing the kid’s clothes when he went away for periods of time on business, or since we moved here, back to our other state to stay with his mum. That was every week, but it’s stopped now that one of his siblings has returned to that city.

He is still “in possession” of the kitchen, fridge, and household shopping, giving out the impression that I stopped caring about looking after our family, so he has to do everything. I have stopped arguing because it just made things worse for all of us, and the kids appreciate that I am not competing for control of anything, and just going around it all.

Yes, my art studies are a life saver. I don’t know how I could manage here, having now lost our home and living in a place that is the opposite of what I am comfortable with, but that’s our life at the moment ..... and I have my art to focus on.

I don’t always cope. The forums are one of my homes-away-from-“home”, and so is uni now. I escape to cafes, parks, the zoo, art galleries, libraries, other people’s places (when we are on our other city cos I don’t have any friends at that level here).

I have had to learn to find a life within my life. Leaving would cause a melt-down of everything we have known, and destroy the rest of what we are all trying to hold onto.

Gosh @Faith-and-Hope

I really don't know how you cope with all of that - I know that your studies help out because I took that path too and it was worth it - and then sort of living around the edges of Hubby's control - which seems excessive - but then - I also know that he has an undiagnosed Mental Illness that he won't admit to -

And you seem to be hugely patient - I guess I never really was - but thanks for writing all that - it gives me insight too - but you lost your home! - that is such a hard thing to lose - I am sorry to hear about that

And then he has the idea that you don't care - that would be so hard - I really can't imagine - because I know you do care and you brought up 5 kids through all of this and I wonder how -

I will tell you one of my ex's little "things" that I actually won - if "winning" is the right term. He wanted his drip-dry shirts ironed and with one child not thriving and the other with an MI - ironing drip-dry shirts seemed unreasonable - ah - still seems unreasonable

And for some reason it took me time to figure he KNEW when his shirts hadn't been ironed. Anyway - I finally clued into the ironing spray and then for years hung his shirts in his cupboard and sprayed a little ironing spray onto them - in all the years that followed he didn't notice

I think the bottom line is important - we all have to deal with our marital issues the best we can according to our individual situations - I didn't want to end my marriage but stayed far too long - the property settlement and divorce brought out the worst in both of us - I would have been happy with a separation - he met someone at parents without partners and she insisted on marriage - they have been married longer than we were and it's nothing to do with me - all these years later I value my freedom

We are all different - I think what you do is marvellous but I couldn't - and @BlueBay - you need to figure it out too - whatever you do you need to care about your Mental Health - to me what's happening is a terrible load for you - as I said - we are all different

Dec

Not only are we all different, but our circumstances are too. We all do the best we know how with what we have got.

@Owlunar @BlueBay

hello and hugs to you my @Bimby2

Hi @Owlunar

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate and understand what you wrote

I do feel overwhelmed with everyone at home. And maybe hubby is feeling overwhelmed too. I don’t kniw as we don’t discuss it. I kniw he’s worried about his mum he knows we’re struggling financially.

But that’s no excuse why he has to huff and puff. Last night Ayla was sliding the pantry door and it came off it’s hinges. Omg it was like a huge disaster. After lots of huffing he fixed it. But at one point I told him to leave it and I would call someone to fix it. Tonight my daughter cooked dinner which was really nice. But hubby is complaining because there’s meat on the stove.

Bloody hell. I yelled out it’s not a display home snd told him to cook all meals if we’re so clumsy. !!!

anyway I really don’t know what to do. I think we need another session with my psychologist together. So there I can tell him how things are righ his OCD.

I know the past csnt br changed. It’s just st times I’m damn angry at those guys.

As for hobbies - no nothing i can do at the moment. I just don’t have the energy. The only thing I’m enjoying on my own at the moment is walking with music. And that’s big fir me as a while ago I was too anxious to walk alone.

My choice - I don’t really know.

Hi @Shaz51 thsnks for your support and love

hi @Faith-and-Hope I really don’t know how you cope with all this.

I can understand how you must feel sngry overwhelmed and frustrated towards hubby.

I know our situations are different and we gotta do what’s best for the family st the time.

I give you so much credit that you are doing your course. But you must be so so busy with life. Very stressful.

Just windering - do people eith OCD ever realise they have a problem. Just thinking if my hubby would ever acknowledge he has an issue. ????

take care @Faith-and-Hope you are amazing. ❤️

@Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @Gazza75 @MDT @oceangirl

@Former-Member @Razzle

and others following

My daughter made a really nice dinner tonight. A taco bowl full of all ingredients you have in tacos. Even A ate it all.

A is currently toilet training. She has learnt that if she needs to go she will tell her mum or me. She had a sticker chart and it’s quickly filling up. But her little tantrums - she was naughty last week so my d decided to put her in her cot. She explained it was time out and when she stopped being naughty she would come out. Well she screamed for a good 5 mins. Then decided she would be good. So now when she starts to be naughty my d says do you wAnt to go to timeout and A says no. Snd ahe stops. Oh those terrible twos !!!

she understands so much snd picks things up very quickly. Only have to show her once and she understands.

It’s so tiring. She constantly wants me, runs up to me with a book and points to the chair next to her. Telling me I need to sit snd read her a book. Or she’ll grab my hand and takes me to the pantry and rubs her stomach to say she’s hungry. 😂

shes my little angel who keeps me going.

That is so gorgeous @BlueBay .... you brought a smile to my face.

And the dinner sounds so lovely.

Maybe make it a rule invthe house that if anyone complains about a mess (like meat spilled on the stovetop) then they have to clean it up ..... that should stop some of the huffing and puffing.

There are forumites who have OCD lived experience @BlueBay . They have recognised it and sought help as they realised it was causing them great anxiety and distress. There are conditions that resemble OCD, or have an OCD component to them, where the person can’t recognise that it’s a problem. It takes something to break through to their understanding for them to even realise that their behaviour might be problematic for others around them, but generally those conditions are much bigger than the OCD part anyway.

Most of these things are coping strategies, and the way to improve them is to learn more positive coping strategies, or ones that serve you better. That doesn’t make it easy, or create overnight changes, but we all have our challenges in life and have to learn to make changes and adapt.