I can’t find peace

@creative_writer also just saw your earlier reply. You're right, ASD esp high functioning is sooooo overlooked. One of my close friends was diagnosed with 'high-masking autism' - which I think is another way of looking at 'high-functioning'. Because it's not like they're less autistic than anyone else, it's just that they learned over the years how to mask, suppress, and otherwise act 'normal' - which has also meant that they've not really gotten enough support, and often face criticism and high expectations from folks who don't understand just how exhausting that masking process is.

I've read a lot within the autistic community that there's a movement away from the 'high/low-functioning' labels and more towards the levels -1, 2, and 3. Not because anyone who is level 3 is more autistic than someone who is level 1, but because the levels determine a person's level of support needs. So like, someone at level 3 might require a full-time carer, vs. someone at level 1 who is mostly independent but does still need support, care, n understanding. What's your take on this concept?

@Jynx, a bit better, still agitated though. I guess I’ll be needing my PRN, and I’m taking tom off from placement, don’t think it’s the healthiest thing for me to go in after a rough day. I haven’t been suicidal like this for a while now. But these thoughts, they are so loud and fast. This extra energy isn’t doing me any favours today.

It’s true many with high functioning ASD mask, I’ve been masking for so long that I didn’t even realise I did it until I reflected on things. I think I am still autistic regardless, just show it in less obvious ways. You can learn social skills with time too, but it doesn’t come naturally to me. I remember as a child I would get confused about how to react, like I would be bombarded with strong emotions that I became frozen

Aww hugs @creative_writer. I'm glad the shower helped, and hope the PRN helps even more. And kudos for making the decision to take the day off. Not always the easiest choice to make, but you're doing what is best for both you and for the folks you work with.

With your increase in suicidality, have you also gotten some extra support? Have you reached out to anyone today?

Oof, I feel that. Get so caught up in wondering how much eye contact is 'correct' and end up not actually taking anything in. Or end up going on a wild conversational tangent and bewildering the other person. Can also relate to getting frozen too - it's rough. There's a reason all my friends are also neurodivergent folks 😅 Do you have any ND friends?

@Jynx, I wish my brain wasn’t so annoying. It couldn’t make its mind up on whether I should feel depressed or euphoric, so decided to be agitated and depressed 😖. The suicidality took off today, I’ve had an appointment with peer support worker, got my psych moved to the following Monday, got allocated another counsellor too who will be in touch soon. I am a little obsessed with doing the “correct” thing, I’ve written a social rule book on my brain. There are ND folks in my course, and some of the kids I interact with on placement are ND, my sister also shows traits (but undiagnosed), interactions are different for sure

hey @creative_writer it sounds like abit of a rough day for you!
urgh i hate when the suicidal stuff comes out or when things come up all at once. its really not a fun thing hey.
im glad youve got your supports in place though. i do hope theyll be able to help you out even if its a venting session

@creative_writer Yeah super hectic day! I hope you gets some rest and relaxing time tonight.

Hmm... I think that's a pretty normal response - to try to construct a set of rules you can try to stick to. In my experience there is also always room to shove all that aside and just be your truest self, especially around other ND folk. Social rules are all made up anyway! And for me, being as weird as I want to be has meant that I've found friends who are my kind of weird, and they wouldn't have found me if I'd still been pretending to be 'normal'. I'm glad you've got some ND folks around you who you can unmask and relax with!

@outlander, I hope the counsellor works out this time. It’s been very hectic lately, it would be good to have multiple supports in place

i really hope so too @creative_writer ill keep my fingers crossed for you

@Jynx, never really thought of it that way. I guess it depends on the context I’m in too. I feel like in certain settings I have to act normal, but, in other settings I may have more room for exploration

@Jynx and @outlander, I just spoke to the counsellor, she seemed nice so far, we made an appointment for later in the week, I think having some support this week would be good