Need help with a complex situation with depression

My birthday is over now and I'm still here but I really don't want to be at the moment. I am going to really struggle on the forum so I am planning on staying away for a bit. I am of no use here for now but I'll look in on lots of things.

I saw your pics @Faith-and-Hope which is what broke my silence here. Auroras are my other great love. After my first attempt my eldest (aged 18 at the time) bought me a poster of the northern lights from the town I'd love to go to, it's on the top of my bucket list. It was the most thoughtful gift of hope I've ever received. He promised to take me there one day and although I would never accept it was so genuinely thoughtful. I hope the rest of your trip is not so flat out but I'm glad you are seeing some amazing places.

Last night as I was counting the last minutes of surviving my birthday and was driving my son's girlfriend home I completely lost it at him in front of her. There was no emotion regulation what so ever. The situation that brought it to the surface was a reminder that I have to stay until he's sorted better but I think I did lots of damage. I am a ball of too many emotions that are all too tight.

I really hope to be back and trying to support everyone again but currently I'm not much good to anyone. I am just leaving paths of destruction on the forum. So I send you all my love and heaps of hugs until I can find human again. 💜🤗💐😘

@Faith-and-Hope 💜🤗😘. It's the very least I could do for you after all you do for me. I tried to find roses but could only find these flowers. I hope you have a lovely cuppa some time today and find your peaceful time.

Thankyou always. 💜🤗😘💐

thankyou @NikNik, @Shaz51, @Former-Member, @Former-Member for your support too. I hope you've all found moments of peace today.

💜🤗💐

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

I'm so sorry I haven't been there much for you since Christmas. I am currently so confused about lots of things and being on the forum is right up there. I don't know how to do it properly. The thing is that I have kept going backwards or stayed stuck for such a long time. On Monday my therapist told me that I was functioning at the age of a 3 -5 yr old child and she was right which made my turning 50 so unbearable. A few things fortuitously happened this week that helped me come to terms with what I need to do to change and it is going to be hard but I'm going to try. You have supported me in such a caring and positive way and helped get me through so many difficult patches. Last night I was going to post that I can't be on the forum anymore, that I need to clean sweep everything. This morning I'm not sure. I have to pretty much change every aspect of my life to survive because I'd been driving myself to only one conclusion especially over the last month. After the situation with my son on my birthday I know I have to try to make the changes to give him a fighting chance. I have about 15 more months until he is an adult to try and find a way out of this quagmire and be his parent and carer of his mental health not his destroyer of it. I will shortly have 3 living here with strong needs to look after their mental health as they can all deteriorate quickly.

I also really want to be there to support you as you have me. So I start by asking "how are you really going?"

Before you reply @Faith-and-Hope i need you to know that there is no healthy adult CEO. I kind of need you to accept that. The thing is that I have no foundations to build from. I really don't want to go into how dysfunctional I am but it's bad. Topic Tuesday was on creating habits. There was a book Suzanne mentioned that I'm reading. That's where I have to go for now. My therapist has been tearing her hair out trying to get me to build a foundation and find some stability. For whatever reasons I haven't done that. I need to do this before I can do any more therapy or take the next steps. The only habit I have in my life is feeding my dog twice a day and every now and then I forget to feed him a meal. So I am starting as of today to try much harder to build a foundation. I'm really hoping you can accept this and support me with it. I was hoping my phams worker would but this one is not working out so well yet. I was left in total distress this week after seeing her.

***BUT I guess that my last message was really aimed at supporting you if I can too.

💜🤗😘

Did I just push you away @Faith-and-Hope or not leave you any room to reply?

Hiya @Former-Member ..... 💕

I won't say more about Inner Family at this stage, but I am seeing more .... let's just park that until you're feeling more open to it .... 🌷💜

I'm feeling okay, but I know there is a numbness there too ... more like cotton-wool insulation probably ....

For some reason, once I realised I needed to disconnect emotionally from WH in order to survive this illness in him, and to be able to shield the kids and give them the cleanest passage I could, I packed that cotton wool in around my heart. I grieved losing the relationship, despite living in hope that it's temporary, but the psych has indicated that he will be there for us to help rebuild our relationship in the wake of all this. That sends a clear message that we will be starting off again from somewhere around square one .... 😳:face_with_rolling_eyes:😔

That numbness is enabling me to stand back though, almost as if I am an observer of my own situation. Haven't gone scanning a list of IFS to try to work out the sub-personality there, but it reall spdoesnt matter ... it's providing a level-headedness for the time being anyway .... 👍🏼

I do know I have a strong Peaceful Warrior woman in here ... reckon she's my CEO ....

You can see from the pics I posted on F&A thread where we were, and can imagine how long that took in the planning and preparation to actually go ... and then WH became virtually a full-time carer for MIL, which he hadn't anticipated, but really, the choices he has been making in recent years were what lead to that outcome, rather than it happening in the moment. I think that part is still lost on him. I do know he was gutted to realise that he really had no choice, if he was to follow the integrity of what he had created .... 😔

It was hard in the moment to witness his heartache ... more cotton wool applied to my heartstrings ... and a refusal to revisit and engage with that moment, which of course is the natural thing for an empath to do ... that constant replaying is I know what you are experiencing - hence the need to distance the inner critic. I'm not prepared to listen to mine at the moment ... got her muted right down .... 👍🏼

MIL tried to bring her to the fore today. She has been champing at the bit to "sort out" our kids .... who are numbing themselves out for a few days at a time in between all the ping-ponging travel experiences. I have had to open my hand to her more than I would have liked to try to get her to step back from the kids. She knows she can't be too direct with them or I will intervene, so she's been quietly chewing WH's ear, and making a mental list of my faults .... which of course must be the reason behind WH's obsessive behaviour .... :face_with_rolling_eyes: !

That was a bit scary, but I am trusting my gut instincts to do what is right, and it meant giving her a full dose of understanding that we have been suffering big-time as a family, and the kids are battle-weary. She didn't want to hear it ... no surprises there ... but I think I actually got through to her .... 😳 !

She has been quietly observing our situation from an altered perspective today. Interesting. I don't care as long as she gets out of WH's ear re the kids. She seemed to think I was brazenly allowing the marriage to slide into the floor .... think she might have twigged that I'm trying to save it .... but working with massive blind-spots, traps, barriers, etc .... Not going to think any more about that one for now.

Well .... you've got an essay to read now .... 😏❤️

Sorry @Faith-and-Hope. Fear of abandonment raising its head after sharing something massively vulnerable. I just read your post. It teared me up. I will respond after I read it again 💜🤗😘