Need help with a complex situation with depression

The kings speech is one of my all time fave movies @Faith-and-Hope. First time I watched it I was glued to it when it finished around midnight I madly googled lots of thinfpgs about it then watched the whole movie again until about 3:30 am. Only time I've ever done that. Does make me a little fanatical really. Also happen to be a huge Colin Firth fan which added to the movie for me.

Not sure how you are feeling but at some stage I think mohill could do with some of your magic on the Im sorry thread.

you know that it's possible WH does know things but can't put it all together in a meaningful way. Please take what I have to say next in a scientific curious way not an empathic way. My first suicide plan was mapped out meticulously. I wanted to die and make it appear like I never existed so I hatched a plan that would have made it unlikely for my body ever to be found. The theory was that no body, no funeral, no service and people could forget I ever existed. I soundly believed it for ages. Ironically my first attempt was spontaneous and impulsive and I was found and then lived the consequences of seeing everyone's reactions. Even after that I still don't want to be remembered or have a funeral service or anything. Just last week my phams worker pushed me to answer what I'd want my eulogy to read. All I could think of was 'at least she showered today'. My point in telling you this is that at different levels WH will know but won't be able to reconcile it all. There's not enough yet to pull him out just like for me there's not enough for me to pull me out yet. I don't know what the 'enough' is but I will often let everything else beat the logic because I can't feel it. I may be way off with this but just thought of it.

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Slightly worried I went too far @Faith-and-Hope 😳🤔😮

Not al all @Former-Member .... just stopped for lunch and now I'm back resting.... Ran a raid on cleaning up the kitchen - WH bought lunch in - and can have a legit pyjama day with MIL in the house cos I'm sick ...

Thought you'd like that ... 😊💕

Yes ... I have talked at some length with counselling services outside of our state, cos in our state you need a diagnosis before anyone will talk to you .... 😡 .... protects the interests of the patient whike their family falls to pieces ... !!

Anyway, off that soapbox ....

The counsellor's have specified that all the way through, that WH is somewhat lost in the illness, but he's still in there .... and my kids call a spade a spade ... (surprised ?) ... and say that he knows what he is doing is wrong at some level but the illness itself keeps justifying the behaviours, like a double-think, and he's not strong enough yet to move beyond its vice-like grip. I guess like a smoker telling themselves they are free to quit anytime, then finding they don't have the ability to get beyond the addiction as easily as they thought they could .... it becomes about chemical reactions in the body and brain as well.

Si is an illness in the same sort of way. It whispers sweet lies into your ear, trying to convince you of things that aren't true. For me, in part it is a matter of building the evidence to say otherwise, almost repeating it like a mantra, and developing an outside view ... as in what you would advise your best friend if the roles were reversed and it was them caught in an adverse mindset .... you hpneedseeds to become your own best friend.

I guess that is one reason why DID is so fascinating .... it is centred in the body corporate trying to protect itself, and it also taps into the IFS (inner family systems) because certain alters I think take on a particular sub-set of sub-personalities without the "completeness" of the whole set .... and if you add in what are called "exiles" or "fire-fighters", well meaning but incorrectly informed sub-personalities, they are the ones who are causing si and sh issues, including addictions I think ....

I think your brain and mine have similar workings in a lot of ways @Former-Member .... feel like you're something of a soul-sister.

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@Former-Member

Probably a similar set of sub-personalities ...

@Faith-and-Hope

i didn't get email notifications of these two posts. Missed a few lately too.

I think I wouldn't keep sneaking back to this thread with out the soul sister thing. I guess it's about trust too but that's even sometimes wobbly on the forum. I think that got shaken up early on the forum with the comet saga. I still have my moments that I don't trust here.

I guess tonight I've had a few light bulb moments. The first a few hours ago when I realised where my push to be all comes from. I'd been attributing it to the wrong parent I think. I think I should read up on inherited trauma too although mine was my grandmother. We are very alike, I got her all her genes. I found out last year that at about the age I was when this all began she was admitted to hospital for suicide attempts. She got passed it but I think it was mothers little helper that helped her and alcohol. I really wished now that I know more I could talk to her and hug her. OMG I just started crying when I realised what I was writing. I would want to hug her for all the pain she carried alone with no support. I am so confused though because I just wondered if that meant I'd want to hug me.... but then I realised I don't deserve it because I have lots of support. World back to normal 😦 And I stopped crying.

the second is how detached I am from so many things that aren't normal for no real reason. My therapist has talked for ages how I detach to cope, my two main coping modes are detached protector and detached self soother. I think it hit home tonight to what degree I do.

Sorry I'm in a strange place tonight. Thank you for reading my dribble. I'll leave it there. 💜🤗💐

Haven't had notification of this reply either btw ....

Are you hearing negative self-talk when you write "my dribble" ? Everything you are writing is valid and worthwhile .... and yes, I believe you needed to hug yourself in that moment, and still do .... you had a glimpse of self-compassion there Hon .... yes you have support, but that doesn't cancel out the need for self-compassion .... rather the support is like strapping a young tree to a post to give it stability while it develops its own strength.

I had a grandmother with mi issues .... my mum said schizophrenic as did her younger brother who lived with my grandmother the longest, but their sister, my aunt, with a nursing background said it was more likely bipolar. It may even have been schizoeffective. And yeah .... little understanding and no support .... I have questions but have lost the people I could have sought answers from.

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Btw ... I can relate to detached protector and detached self-soother in my situation .... they are probably my coping mechanisms too. Have had to detach from my marriage to stay in it, and am protecting the kids, and in as much as I can, WH from himself / his illness.

The detached self-soother is filling my time with other things while I wait our outcome .... going for long walks, forum time, crosswords, online jigsaws (thank you❣) and when I am in the right heart-space, my artwork.

I see this as a necessary and positive self-protection move .... not sure what your counsellor would be saying, other than perhaps trying to get you to re-engage after detaching as a self-protection in your circumstances as they were.

My psych, whom I visit intermittently to bring him up to speed, has offered to do couple counselling with WH and me once this situation has come to a resolution, that indicates to me that he can see I have detached, and will need help to reconnect.

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Hi @Former-Member & @Faith-and-Hope

I can relate to detached protector and detached self-soother too. I think it is necessitated by complex situations. We need to distance slightly but still function.

Okay @Former-Member ....

Here I am with IFS again ....

I know I said I would wait until you were ready, and I am taking your post on Moving Forward as the sighing that you are ..... Here is what I have been wanting to put to you

I am using this model because I think it paints a clearer picture to trying to understand how we can get caught up in particular behaviour patterns, and how we can consider breaking out of them by degrees .... like learning to roller-skate .... there will be struggles, falls and over-balancing along the way.

This is my thought ....

One of your sub-personalities is a Loving Parent. You know that because you raised four beautiful boys who love you and are in a relationship with you ... in fact some of them choose you to be their only parent.

That Loving Parent is a Manager sub-personality ... one who belongs in a leadership or "body-corporate" manager capacity .....

It seems that at times, and perhaps at times of assessment, you have one or two of your Inner Children stepping into a Manager role and working your life around what they know, how they have chosen to live.

What is keeping your Loving Parent from parenting your Inner Kids the way she parented your sons ?

I am guessing that your Inner Critic is standing over her ... bearing too much influence like a bully. Rather than focussing on how that may have happened, consider that your Inner Critic has taken up a Guardian role and is trying to convince your Inner Parent that she is not capable of managing the Inner Kids .... and while that standover is happening, nobody is actually watching over the Inner Kids and they are having their own way with you ....

Can you begin thinking in terms of what a Loving Parent would say to that young child within you ... from "okay ... it's time to get up and dressed now .... I'll help you make the bed, and then let's go and find some breakfast, shall we ?"

Can you think about this and see if you can "try it on" ?

I didn't want to post this on Moving Forward because we have had so much background discussion that wouldn't make sense to the others who have responded there so beautifully, and they are such bright sparks - you included @Appleblossom cos I know you will find this post anyway 😊 - that it would likely start an avalanche of questions .... and it did not want this post to be lost in it.

It looks like a key to me, but only you and your therapist will know how much value it holds for you ....

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@Former-Member .... still talking to me .... ?