Winter solstice

@Dimity thank you. I did have to learn over years that I was worthy. And unworthiness still pops up for me from time to time.

What do you mean about "reconciliation"?

@Appleblossom so your parents' diagnoses came from your file not theirs. I guess there'd be multiple files for you after being in both church run and state run systems. 20 years coming to terms with it all... reasonable... probably continuing. 💚

Reconciliation... after the long estrangement from siblings @NatureLover , no communication about their machinations at critical times, and painful exclusions. Perhaps also feeling pessimistic about reconciliation in the religious sense.

Pondering responsibility again, versus possible diagnoses of neurodivergence or personality disorders.

Thanks for explaining about reconciliation, @Dimity .

Regarding possible diagnoses, is that something you feel able (or want) to discuss with your psychologist and/or psychiatrist?

@Dimity It is complicated re files. The Catholic files were burned in a fire in a hall ... in an area which had an enquiry into institutional sexual abuse. Hmmmm.

I did visit one of my father's old hospitals, and was shown his file by a doctor when I was about 18. My brother had visited them first and said they would be happy to see me too. I still appreciate that doctor's care and concern. He knew our father's death mattered to us as kids. In his file, it said he had been raped, and then all the St Vincent's Orphanage stuff came out. Pretty sure it was true.

Sadly it was the only conversation we had about our father's death, so now, I have considered that my mother's family had more to do with our leaving Melbourne, eventual homelessness and abandonment, than I realised for many years. Their behaviours were not worthy of being thought of as a loving family., though my grandparents did their best. It was a big family. I foolishly over idealised them til the last 10 years. I have put enough parts of the jigsaw together, and developed some theory of mind, to see beneath their superficiality treating me as poor relation with jeering etc, and their ambitions. Its put me off achievement for its own sake.

I have another reconciliation issue which for decades I hoped would resolve in time, but have given up on. She was a 5th child who was not abandoned. We all gave her as much love as we could. We knew the absence. She was very lucky, but sadly also very selfish. I was stunned by it, as I really loved her, taught her piano, she came every weekend to my house to give mum a break. She got too many overseas trips too. Funny. My mother got more breaks than I did as a mum. The legacy of suicide is massive. idk. Never expected it all.

I travelled once and value its opening of my mind and eyes to worldwide culture and the environment, but my little sister and daughter became addicted to travel and rejected me. It was all very gradual and unexpected.

Many layers of sadness there for you @Appleblossom . Estrangements and deaths, abuse and indifference/neglect.

I've never understood what Henri Nouwen meant by dying to your neighbour - it seems a strange choice of words if if means, as he says, to cease judgment and embrace compassion. I have a neighbour who's reclusive and difficult to talk to (I suppose I am too) and it comes up for me. I certainly don't judge you or your family, and hope that you're finding the compassion and understanding you deserve - I'm just desperately sorry it's taking so long.

Sorry I had to edit. Too much identifying stuff.

I have not felt judged by you @Dimity Mostly very grateful for the things we do have in common. I was fairly reclusive, but felt I had to counter that tendency, as I needed to model getting in the world for my son.

Christians were supposed to love their neighbour, sometimes that is respecting boundaries and quietness and sometimes its being friendly, so they dont get too isolated. I would not take a short quote out of context and be overly scrupulous about applying it to yourself. Maybe the "dying to" is symbolic. Please dont be harsh on yourself. The most loving way to be with any one person will vary according to the person.

I love that you even know about Henri Nouwen. He's Dutch American! I have his book "Intimacy". So nerdy (probably neurodivergent too, but I am not paying for a diagnosis) that I would seek out Pastoral based writings on human based issues around love, initmacy and sexuality.... given the abuse from outside of my biological family, and all the guises of that concept, well beyond agape and Hollywood. I have had to analyse til the cows come home.

Eg. His writing is nuanced -- he will agree with Freud a little -- and teases out concepts and arguments intelligently. Nouwen really helped me find a way to rationalise Christianity with modern ideas of human needs and development. Intimacy was published in 1969, pity it was not sufficiently heeded. The church may have done better by their own people in the seminaries etc, than the way they actually did behave with all the sex abuse cover ups. It was essential reading for me with all the complexities. I got the book 2nd hand in 2013 from a convent, when all the sex abuse stuff was coming up in the media. Nowen's theology seemed to make sense of a lot of things for me, but every human is human. Mother never knew about Nouwen, and was not open to respecting my soul, philosophical, spiritual or Christian journey. Nouwen understood why young people looked at other forms of spirituality and zen. He talks about Oneness, in a similar way to zen.

@Appleblossom I've tried to do the right thing but made blunders. And without a direct line to the Almighty usually acting on limited or no information. Many sins of omission and/or commission mea culpa. Perhaps leaning to the great commandments more than norms. Confused by interdenominational differences.

I think the Nouwen I found most accessible was on the desert fathers and mothers. Haven't seen the book on intimacy, it may have been only incidental to my life trajectory.

I've been badly hurt by family. Recent and older accusations of malice have floored me. I'm naive or neurodivergent or both, perhaps that inner child's arrested development. In the last few weeks rereading old correspondence has enlightened me there've been hidden financial and legal agendas behind some bad experiences, and some previously inexplicable events seem to have followed a pattern. There's still room for self recrimination, as well as bewilderment, so the questions about examination of conscience touch on a sore point.

I've had very little moral formation or spiritual guidance, and feel their lack. You must have been well schooled to teach catechism and theology in your teens.

@Dimity I am sorry you have been hurt by your family. I am wondering if it is siblings, older or younger, or others. You dont have to say. It is excruciating when we want to do the right thing, but exactly what to do or NOT do, is unclear, and then we are judged. The challenges become finding paths to heal those wounds and paths with meaning for ourselves.

I did not teach theology as a teen, just catechism to younger kids, but I guess it opened my interest. After my BA, I began a 2nd undergrad, a BMus in Sacred music in my 30s, including Liturgical Studies, but did not finish it. For 15 years, I did masses of choral work Time to read theology onlycame relatively recently. I guess its just an interest. I picked some up in clearances of old monastery and convent collections. Always eye open for a bargain. lol

Bewilderment is a good word to describe my feelings about some of my family situations.

I am just home from a mental health research gathering exploring creativity, and am listening to the last 30 minutes of the Matthew passion that I was sharing last night.

Hope you have a good night and tomorrow has some good moments.

@Appleblossom thanks for your comments.

I like your wide interests .

I've acquired many theology books, mostly unread... compulsively bought. I aspire to getting (back) to them.

Very sorry to read elsewhere of your worries. Coincidentally this morning I had a bad dream and am trying to shake the distress and slight paranoia it left me with.

I sometimes dream or have intrusive memories, but sadly reality has been worse than what my mind could conceptualise.

I am feeling too exposed on here. I've shared too much, but thank you for being a friend. @Dimity