Winter solstice

@Appleblossom the intergenerational traumas especially the unnecessary ones are... well I'm grasping for words here... are tragic and is sone cases as reprehensible as sexually transmitted debt and other outcomes of violence, abuse and coercive control.

You have no reason to feel guilty but I know you well enough and have enough experience myself to recognise the feelings of (that word again) responsibility.

A day in court would be draining. How do you nurture yourself afterwards? A good meal? Recorded music? An early night? Your son would be needing to process and recover too.

Thanks for responding with kindness @Dimity We had some good sushi and later I some dessert at home and a talk, and we both rested. The magistrate was decent, but the situation is so outrageously unjust.

I made a mistake about my sister. I only lived with her for 6 years ... so there are numbers again. She was 2 when we were separated and I lived with her for 4 years when she returned when I was 12. Actually mum had us in a double bed. Hmmm. So we were close, but it was so complex. She had come from a rich foster family and found it hard to adapt to our poverty. I did not know any different, and was working so much as a tween and teen (before it was legal apparently ... but thems the breaks for me). I left home at 16. I supported her with her issues with my mother and brother. I took her on 2 camping holidays, and got the family to make the best of little money.. I would wave at them watching Disney, when I walked off to work Saturday nights. She got angry with me once, with all the distress of the abandonment. It was not my fault. I was 6.We had a reasonable relatinship as I was so happy she came back to us, but she could not accept our circumstances. One good thing is that we talked about therapy and getting to the bottom of things. Mother kept clamming down on us NOT saying anything about when we were "in care". At least my sister and I could be honest in my flat after I had left home.

I have a counsellor from National Survivors of Institutional sex abuse ... for myself at 9.30 this morning. I am bloomin ... lucky to have survived at all.

Hugs @Appleblossom . A big day. No doubt the case will grind on until findings and a verdict.

Trauma upon trauma. At 8 your sister probably had no memory of family life before 2. But I guess many memories are surfacing for you. I trust the counsellor is trauma informed and careful. You have indeed survived many calamities.

Nerd alert for a rabbit hole:

The shells that fascinate you are logarithmic spirals showing gnomonic growth: each piece is of identical shape, just bigger, as the spiral grows. The central pointer of a sundial, that casts the shadow, is also called a gnomon. One can spin out on the metaphors. The word gnomon comes from the Ancient Greek word gnōmōn, meaning "one that knows or examines" or "interpreter".

@Dimity Spirals, fractals and the Fibonacci sequence engaged me in my mid 20s, and have lain a foundation fo my general appreciation of beauty and nature. I guess I have allowed a more contemplative side to unfold, than the nerdy attentativeness of those years. I took on children and left tax and endless numbers, then moved to music. An indigneous lady around the corner wears a beautiful conch shell.

Yes, thanks of thinking through a scenario for my sister. I figured what saved me was that I was just that bit older to be able to have memories, even though it took me a very long time to put them into sequence and context. Having my paper ward file helped me sort a lot. My brother and sister were just too young, and they were away for longer, so many memories that they could not consolidate. I did not know the families and orphanages they were in, only at the very beginning when we were in the catholic system. We were then split up and moved to the state system.They were both creative, intelligent, sensitive souls, but very distressed. Focussing on their creativity rather than pathology, helped me grieve.

I guess living in my head, was adaptive, as it was safer, and I could study and work. It kept me separated (mildly dissociated) from the early attachment wounds and pain, but eventually I could integrate most of it. But only extremely slowly in the last couple decades. Even this week, as I showed a support worker my file, I made a connection I had not made before. Its weird, with formal legalistic language and forms. Not the appropriate language use for my age at the time, so its a weird gap, I try and fill. I got 2nd in vocab in grade 6, probably cos I was used to all the formal speech.

Oh @Appleblossom , I'm so sorry for your traumas, and that of your siblings 😭

I'm glad your psychologist "aims" to help you feel worthy, at least, @Dimity . It sounds like it's not working yet?

I do agree unfortunately that we have to focus on the bad stuff in order to work through it and move past it.

I feel I've been fortunate in being able to rebuild, yes. I'm looking forward for you to do the same ❤️

@Dimity I am really grateful that we share so many interests - science, fine music, fine literature, Contemplative Spirituality a la Richard Rohr, and sadly experiences of madness and the mental health systems. An abundance. Its not very common Thanks again for being you.

Thank you @NatureLover Yes, we can only avoid the hard tricky issues so much, but have to face up to it. It does help to have a range of things to help fortify us, and anchor us, through the tough stuff.

@Appleblossom i drifted away from from hard sciences too.

It's good you've had access to your records but I imagine they're not easy to read. I think you've mentioned seeing your parents' records too. I hope you've had debriefing and support while working through them. Separating you all would have been very painful, and reuniting around the time you lost your father... difficult.

I can't imagine not feeling unworthy @NatureLover or achieving reconciliation. I really admire your recovery and rebuilding, and community service.

@NatureLover

what kind of community work do?

Mine has mostly been around environment and poverty and homelessness.

@Dimity

The briefing support to get my file, was only a couple of hours, which was really inadequate, on reflection over 20 years later, tho the lady was nice. I was asked if I had questions, but I was totally gobsmacked. For me it has taken this long for it all to sink in. I never got mother's psych file and never thought about it, as I respected her confidentiality. She would have been angry if I had. She was in total denial that anything was ever wrong with her. I always forgave her for the abandonment but not the manipulation of my children. She was angry I got my own ward file.

There are lots of redactions, but a few things in my file about my parents. eg their diagnoses. I got dad's war service and orphanage index cards. Key information. I saw his psych file on a visit to one hospital.

Now, with what is going on with my son, I hold the file contents with an even bigger grain of salt.

Yet the files help have a story explaining the human goings on and make sense of my feelings.

@Appleblossom I really admire and respect that you've served in the areas of poverty, homelessness and the environment.

I volunteer doing admin for a charity. And before that, 17 years doing admin for a different charity.