Winter solstice

It's good the audience were "with" you @Appleblossom . it's important to hone your skills and keep practising. A former work colleague dabbled in poetry slams and street theatre as well as comedy.

Yes Tiger had favourite spots. In writing that I remembered an old friend gave me her small cat ornament... her mother had given it to her to watch over her... I don't see it... I wonder where it is.

@Dimity just a little helpful practise for me was somehow... having... something to externalise ... my grief... a token or a symbol... even draw a picture or write a poem about your cat...

I have a quiet day today...which I need...

@Appleblossom thanks... I dunno, as a hoarder I feel somehow surrounded by external tangible reminders of so much grief... and incapable of expressing it... it's been a week and I've spoken to a family member only once, on the night my cat died. I saw people today at group exercise and felt othered and silenced. Not that I tried to share what had happened. It's just the way things are.

I'll persevere with trying to pick up the pieces, ɓut my efforts are pretty feeble.

I'm looking into getting another support worker but the platform functionality has changed and I can't see how to update my profile.

@NatureLover @Shaz51

I saw the Easter moon this evening, almost full.

I'm sorry you felt that at your exercise class, @Dimity ...it sounds like how you feel at your craft group 😥

I hope you can figure out the platform for the support workers. Technology really sucks sometimes.

@Dimity

We all deal with grief differently and each grief has its own story and associations.

Going weeks, months and lately years between hearing from a family member has been my norm. I can only reach out into the void, so often. I guess the only family I have left is my son, and he has felt that as a burden. I certainly did not want to burden any of them, in childhood, adulthood, motherhood, or in old age.

Its hard socialising after being isolated. Not nice feeling othered and silenced. I have experienced it a lot too. Sometimes its when we have low energy, and are tentative, or dont have fun things to share. I hope you find ways to take up the space you need to. It seems to be my current life purpose to be playing around with all of that... its hard... as some moments I feel strong... then others I am naked and vulnerable... and flung into SI... maybe they could call it rapid cycling Bipolar... wots in a label... we still have to find ways to live with ourselves... and the human beans all around.

gently bently

but jeez...only when it is fitting... we dont want to always shrink ourselves

a friend loaned me viking hat for the cabaret... so I am working...

on the armoury... and finding strength themes...

apple

@NatureLover @AuntGlow @Shaz51 @tyme

I actually saw you more as a Boadicea than a Valkyrie @Appleblossom .

I have very few family on speaking terms (one pivots) and do feel a burden. One tells me my main purpose in life is to death clean and set my affairs in order to exit as expeditiously as possible.

Yes @NatureLover I'd felt more at ease with the exercise group people but was spoken over and ignored too often, and someone turned their back and whispered.

Apple I don't know if you've looked into the rapid cycling and intense emotions triggered by social situations in BPD... it was a working diagnosis for me for a while. Maybe I evolved after the intensive psychotherapy or maybe it was never the best fit. But I hear you re labels.

I've felt stuck in a trauma response. Fear, and freeze. Wasn't helped by finding a letter from my late father under furniture I moved today. Hopefully I'll unfreeze enough to get into the garden. Otherwise I'm at a loss.

What your family member said makes me mad, @Dimity - no-one has a right to tell you your purpose in life. I'm sorry to hear. 😥

That's not good re the exercise group.

I hope you can get unstuck from your freeze / fear response soon 🤞

So tired. It's been a rough day. A rough 3 years. A rough lifetime. There are no answers except to keep going.

So sorry to hear, @Dimity 😥

Sending hugs and care 🫂

Can you give yourself a day (or a few days) off? With no pressure on yourself?

keeping going.... is about it for me too @Dimity

thats a pretty callous and outrageous thing for that person to say to you

Socialising... weary sigh... but we still yearn for human contact... but pleez let it be genuine.

I always appreciate your thoughtful intelligence... its made a difference for me

There was a group of cousins that were a bit like that when I was young... my brother had more to do with one... the oldest grandchild... and that definitely didn't work out for him...they were all competitive bullies... that uncle was in charge of a third of BHP... not very nice people... something weird about their comments over the years... suggest they were part of the problem with dad... giving up our home and us all going walkabout and ending up in homes...so... their guilt... it has taken me many decades to figure that out... maybe they unconsciously pushed me over to the environmental approach... but dad was in touch with nature... who knows?? Nowadays ... I am what I am ...

its funny I just talked with TAB about mining on his thread...

thank you for that thought about Boadicae. I like that image. The viking hat was what was on offer ....and could work into the burlesque playfulness... I dont think I will wear it for a long... maybe as a step away from helplessness... gradually into more thriving ... its all wishful thinking mainly...but in this case... it is about putting on a show... for schizophrenia awareness day... will see how it grows

I played organ last night for Holy Thursday... was well received... and I felt better ... my self doubt was difficult before ... it was a quiet intimate service of about 30 people and respectful.... but... yes keeping on...

rapid cycling...

https://www.dbsalliance.org/education/bipolar-disorder/rapid-cycling-bipolar/

has some similarities with my style... but in my case so much has been situational... was depressed after massive grief... and steadily pushing through over years and years and years ... not too much highs... but grateful I could be part of many musical events ... it was quiet steady work from my side... setting achievable worthwhile goals....my son did not think I was Bipolar at all...I relate more to Developmental and CPTSD insights ...

@NatureLover