Broken very broken

Thank you, I find words if used and felt the way they should be they can be very evocative and expressive to me words are very important if I say something seriously then I feel it things like love, hate, disgust, sorry and so on to most these are throw away words, once powerful now trivial, much like actions for me.

we are coming to a time of year that was once my favourite now is a reflection of my emptiness a picture is coming into form that will likely never be seen by anyone for good reason, I tried to keep things going but to some family members it's all about money I try to explain that it's not about money it's that you actually took a second to think of them, but I guess it all fades away soon there will be one thing under a tree to me for me, and maybe another for my birthday the following month it will be an empty box but it will be something

@Redraw

You are such a beautiful writer, I'm sorry it comes from a place of so much pain.

Have you tried doing something a bit more with your writing?

I know xmas is such a bad time of year thats why we just hide and wait till its over with. No more visiting families or anything xmas like. It just bring sup bad memories for both me and my partner so we just treat it like another day except we avoid the public till its all over with.

You mentioned somewhere that you would feel better if you could feel the touch of someones lip against yours and heartbeat etc etc. I have that but I still feel just as alone. I feel completely misunderstood, I ache for someone to just hold me and hug me, my partner does that but when things go wrong like now he is the complete opposite and shouts nothing but insults to me about the way I look, how ugly I am or fat I am and I know its his bipolar but it still hurts and stays so in the end the niceness means nothing.

I think like you I just want to be truly "accepted" by family and the health professionals and "understood" it doesnt seem like we are asking much.

I hope your day gets better and you know we are all thinking of you!

No past........no present.........no future...........no point............no hope. Just pain and loneliness

There are many aspects of Buddhism in your writing @Redraw .. emptiness can also be a good thing .. letting go of ego .. stillness and calm.

I was actually quite annoyed when I read that "feelings of emptiness" where a symptom of BPD ... but i guess it how much ... and what we have in our lives that gives us meaning.

I hope you are still drawing and painting ... did you collect your drafting board.

Have you ever thought of coming into to town and doing some busking with your artwork during the summer months? There are some fabulous artists down on Southbank. I often feel lonely too as I wonder around, but when I see others struggle and create and relate .. my feelings of loneliness ebb a little.

Hi @Redraw

It sounds like you are in a tough place right now.

I find your words and the way you write very poetic but I can't help but wonder what is going on for you?

Can you tell us more about what's happening for you today?

Well appleblossom I did get my drafting board a way back I been working on a drawing for months it's hard to get my heart into it I did a drawing for someone else, but I can barely do much drawing especially the colour work I been trying to do my hand/wrist been causing a lot of pain whether tendonitis or whatever I don't know, as for boardwalking I don't really have the speed for it.

Where I am pebbles, hmmmmmm, well lets see I am 36 closer to 37 i have suffered severe shyness, anxiety and panic attacks all my life I have never had any close interpersonal let alone intimate relationships, I worked myself to severe burnout nervous breakdown and have not been able to work since that was a fair while ago now, my teeth are few and far between, my body is a mess to quote Emma Louise my head is a jungle, nothing makes sense I can't filter anything, people don't like me in any way not sure why. I have gotten to the point that I can't delude myself anymore into thinking that to quote mick jagger time is on my side, time has passsed me by and being that in all my years no one has ever given a (expletive deleted) about me, or even bothered to really get to know me, and many many many things that happened to me in my childhood there is just nothing in this world for me

Scared head spinning so bad can barely move but can still feel it when sitting still or lying which builds the panic which makes the spinning worse does it make sense could it make sense no idea as to the cause yay another pain to add to everything else

A couple but this is new so I think I put it down to steamed veggies causing gas buildup kinda petrifying especially when standing up or moving in general causes dizzy spells it popped up only a few hours ago maybe less just terrifying