“I don’t need people” state of mind

@creative_writer unmasking is absolutely a process, and one that I think it's very reasonable to take your time with. I once heard a quote - 'All progress takes place outside of the comfort zone', and I think there's a lot of truth to it. Being able to do these things is gonna mean sitting with a whole lotta discomfort. But it absolutely gets easier - so long as you're able to unmask in the right environment though. Like, where it is with people who make you feel safe to be yourself. Can't recover from trauma if you're still in the environment that traumatised you to begin with hey.

I'm glad to hear you've got some stuff on the way, but very sorry that you do feel like you have to hide it so much. I can kinda understand your mother's fears, but at the same time it sounds like that is also in a way quite limiting, both in terms of you being able to safely express yourself, and seek sufficient support for your current needs. Tricky one for sure. Can see why it has made it harder for you to open up. Hmm maybe with the helpline stuff, you could say to the counsellor "Hey I know I need support but I don't know how to talk about stuff. Could you please ask me some questions to help me explore my feelings a bit better?" What do you think?

Random thought @creative_writer but have you ever explored AuDHD (Autism and/or ADHD) as a neurotype? They can often have a lot of overlap with bipolar, and also run in families. But what you describe about difficulty regulating emotions, and sensory sensitivity, are pretty central in both diagnoses. If you think it's worth exploring there's a couple websites you could start with - ADDitude & Amaze. Food for thought anyway.

Creating rules to fit in can be such a trap... cos you might fit in with the people around you, but you are also maybe not truly being your authentic self, so the 'you' that they see and accept isn't really you, so the urge to further hide your true self becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy kinda thing. Can take a while to unravel it and learn to be open with more people, but also rewarding - because you will begin to find that the people who are drawn to you are the right kind of people, who will accept you for who you truly are rather than the mask you have had to create.

@creative_writer autism and masking tend to go hand-in-hand, so I have enormous empathy for the experiences you are currently trying to navigate (I'm neurospicy my own self 😉). Are you and your sister close? It does tend to run in families so I wouldn't be surprised if she was.

Yeah I've found that the folks that are easiest for me to form close bonds with are other AuDHD folks (my new fav term for peeps w both ASD and ADHD), because it's almost like we speak a language different to neurotypical folks, and when I'm with them everything just seems to make more sense. Do you have any neurodivergent friends? Could be something to seek out, like through social media groups or the meetup website or something?

A person close to me just finished reading a book called Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. He spoke of it being an incredibly helpful (albeit emotionally intense) read, which has inspired me to read it my own self, and also start sharing it with anyone and everyone who is part of the AuDHD world!

I commend you for taking the steps on this journey, it's not an easy one. But you are worthy and deserving of love, and to be able to love, so keep going. I believe in you 💜

I’m here @creative_writer You’re not alone.

💙💜