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Lately I’ve found myself withdrawing more and more into myself. I’m not sure if this is a trauma response or maybe I am burnt out because things were rough for so long. The recent Uni assignments plus mixed episode (funny how the brain can experience depressive and hypo manic symptoms all at once) has left me emotionally exhausted and lousy. Like I am in a better place now, I no longer feel like ending myself, or look for ways how I could do it. I feel a lack of motivation to socialise, even come on these forums or call helplines when I start feeling anxious. Like I rather just depend on myself, because we live alone, deal with things alone and leave this world alone. I just don’t feel bothered either, I rather just do things to distract myself. Maybe I’m feeling the anxiety more because I didn’t sleep well, you gotta thank the earth for that good shake last night
In response to: “I don’t need people” state of mind
tymeModerator
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
Hey @creative_writer ,
I'm sorry it is so tough for you right now. I can hear that it is a very dark and raw time for you.
You are not alone. Can you spend some time with your family at this moment?
In response to: Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
@tyme, I feel so exhausted, all I want to do is lie in bed. I wish I had the strength to actually do stuff, but I am afraid that I am completely burnt out. Now I’m going to force myself to make something small for dinner. I don’t know how much longer I can keep the tears in for
In response to: Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
JynxModerator
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
Hey @creative_writer jumping on for the evening so I'm around if you need. Sorry to hear you're so utterly spent atm, it can be so rough to feel like that. I hope making a lil bite to eat hasn't been too taxing on you (and maybe even gives you a lil boost of energy). Maybe crying would be exhausting right now, but maybe also it's what your body needs? What do you reckon?
In response to: Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
@Jynx, I’m making something simple, mixed beans and I’ll take some frozen avocado out too. I had no energy to cut those annoying fish packets, each portion is wrapped in another layer of plastic, it feels like such a waste too. Do you know what you are having for dinner?
I reckon I need a good cry, I’ve waited for so long, I just don’t feel comfortable doing it in front of people, and it looks pretty obvious if you do it in the shower too, red eyes are a dead giveaway. That only leaves night time, by night I tend to be exhausted, unless I suppose I went to bed extra early, that might buy some time before I become so drowsy from meds
In response to: Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
JynxModerator
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
@creative_writer Simple sounds nice hey. I think I need to keep it simple tonight too, maybe just some pasta or something.
Hope you do get a chance to cry, it can really help. If you cry in the shower, and someone comments, you can always just say you're super tired or something. I'm sorry that it feels so hard for you to be able to cry in front of other people. I wish we as a society were more kind and open to crying. It's so healthy and so natural, but yet we are so often shamed or made to feel like crying is weakness, or that we are inconveniencing others when we cry. It's rough.
In response to: Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
@Jynx, I’ve grown up feeling uncomfortable with crying around people. I guess it’s hard for me to feel emotionally safe around people.
Maybe it’s the ups and downs of healing, but I feel like my emotions have intensified lately, they’re not as intense as they were during my lowest earlier this year, I have no suicidal urges, but something has shifted, I just hope I don’t fall too low
In response to: Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
JynxModerator
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
@creative_writer it can be a huge barrier for sure. Is there anyone in your life that you think you could feel comfortable crying in front of? If not now, then one day? Could be something to work towards. Being held and comforted whilst crying can be very healing. But it's okay if it's a bit outside your comfort zone, and might be something to work up to, ya know?
Has anything changed for you recently? I can totally understand the concern around falling lower, but it's not a sure thing. And if you've pulled yourself out of lower states before, you can do so again 😊💜
In response to: Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
@Jynx, I sometimes get teary in therapy sessions with my psych, but I fight it, I think I just don’t like crying in front of anyone. I wonder why I don’t have anyone to hold me, but it’s because I don’t let people in. It’s hard to be so raw and vulnerable.
I think my brain has been processing things, and I guess I haven’t been feeling bothered to talk about what’s happening with me. I haven’t actually had an appointment with my supports for a bit too, maybe that hasn’t helped, I know there are helplines, but I often just hang up before anyone can reach me 💖
In response to: Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
JynxModerator
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
@creative_writer It is hard to be raw and vulnerable. It's why I believe that true strength doesn't lie in muscles or a brave face, but in our ability to be soft, open, and vulnerable in front of others. It takes a lot of courage, and we often have to push ourselves outside our comfort zones to be able to do so. So I commend you for trying, and hope you continue to do so 😊
Could be a factor for sure. When is your next appt, do you have one to look forward to? And yeah helplines is another thing that can be super uncomfy especially at first hey. I like to remember that unlike a therapist or even a friend or relative, a helpline worker is someone who I probably will never speak to again, or if I do they may not even remember me. So I can be as open and honest as I need to be knowing it doesn't matter how messy I am. But that's my experience - what is it do you think that stops you from being able to stay on the call?
In response to: Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
creative_writerSenior Contributor
Re: “I don’t need people” state of mind
@Jynx, it’s scary to take off a mask I’ve been wearing for so long. There are bits and pieces others see, but it’s hard to be completely raw and emotional. It’s probably going to be a process I need to work through.
My next appointment is on Friday with my psychiatrist. Then I finally have a psychologist and peer support worker appointments next week. You see my old peer support worker had to leave, and they are sorting through my referral for another counselling service, I will follow up tom. I was seeing a counsellor in between psychologist appointments, I only see the psychologist once a month, you gotta thank Medicare for that one. I think it’s hard to stay on the phone because sometimes I honestly get stuck on what to say while on the phone, I also don’t like waiting (maybe best to call earlier in the day) and I secretly make phone calls at home and pretend I am studying (I have to make sure nobody hears me). My parents weren’t terribly excited when I was working with the HOPE team last year, my mum would say be careful with what I say or they may overreact, essentially, they didn’t want the police over or for me to be sent to the hospital. She said how more people involved meant more people had “authority” over me. As a result, I have become more private, because comments like that just feed into “nobody is trustworthy“ and “people only care about their self interests”
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