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I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 2:25 pm AEST

I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Hello,

I just got back from lunch at the cafe and bulk food store that I used to volunteer at, and now work at occasionally.

It seems that every time I go there, at least to eat lunch, I come away feeling like I want to hurt myself, or that I hate myself so much.

Today, I went to get lunch and there was a volunteer at the till, and I asked him to apply my discount. That may have been passable, but it was a bit rude. Then it was so busy and after I had taken my bowl to the sink for washing, I tried to say thanks to the cook, but she didn't hear me. Then I proceeded to leave and one of the workers said: 'Goodbye Sol' in this tone that made me feel so rude for contemplating leaving without saying goodbye. I said 'sorry, goodbye' and left. But I just felt so rude.

I can't win if I go in there for lunch. If it is busy and I get takeaway, I have to stand around and wait and it seems weird if I am not talking to the staff, and if I get a lunch to sit down I always stuff it up somehow and come off as incredibly rude.

Before I started volunteering I thought to myself that it might spoil the relationship somewhere that I love to shop and eat. And that is exactly what has happened. I can't go in there to eat. And it sucks so bad because they make the most healthy, organic, yummy, vegan food.

But every time I go in, especially since I stupidly pressured them to give me paid work, I feel utterly bleak. When I would volunteer I would often lie awake at night and toss and turn over something that I did wrong at that place, and now I am doing that every time I step foot into this place. It sucks so bad!

I can't tell my mother because she will just trash them and say that they are bad and of course, in her world, I am some perfect being. I can do no wrong. It makes me so angry and I hate it. So, I am not going to tell her.

I just want to reach out to other people with social anxiety/mental illness in the hope that someone can relate to having zero social skills and just being such a clutz socially. There is nowhere I can go to simply 'learn' these social skills. Classes like that don't exist, I have searched high and low. And so I am stuck with being this incredibly RUDE person, who people don't like because I am so socially inept.

Thanks for listening xx

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In response to: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

I-canContributor09 May 2023, 8:03 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

What I got from your story, is that your Mum has instilled a need on you to be perfect. I could be wrong but you are very hard on yourself. This might be something to think about and maybe even talk to your Mum about.

I follow the rule that if you are in doubt do the most polite option. For your exact situation, if they seem busy, I would quietly wave or raise your hand goodbye. I do this when leaving work and my co-workers are busy with a customer.

Learning from my mistakes is something I have worked on over time. It is not something that is comfortable. I still feel initially defensive and have trouble being honest with myself. I have learned to move past this uncomfortable feeling and take what I need from the situation and self evaluate. It's easy to say but harder to implement. Often I do it in retrospect, not in the first moment. I also have trauma. Complex PTSD. So I understand how hard it is. Don't expect improvement straight away. Things take time. You could try and write your thoughts down. It may help work through things.

I'm very glad I could help with my last comment. I hope this has helped as well.

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