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I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 2:25 pm AEST

I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Hello,

I just got back from lunch at the cafe and bulk food store that I used to volunteer at, and now work at occasionally.

It seems that every time I go there, at least to eat lunch, I come away feeling like I want to hurt myself, or that I hate myself so much.

Today, I went to get lunch and there was a volunteer at the till, and I asked him to apply my discount. That may have been passable, but it was a bit rude. Then it was so busy and after I had taken my bowl to the sink for washing, I tried to say thanks to the cook, but she didn't hear me. Then I proceeded to leave and one of the workers said: 'Goodbye Sol' in this tone that made me feel so rude for contemplating leaving without saying goodbye. I said 'sorry, goodbye' and left. But I just felt so rude.

I can't win if I go in there for lunch. If it is busy and I get takeaway, I have to stand around and wait and it seems weird if I am not talking to the staff, and if I get a lunch to sit down I always stuff it up somehow and come off as incredibly rude.

Before I started volunteering I thought to myself that it might spoil the relationship somewhere that I love to shop and eat. And that is exactly what has happened. I can't go in there to eat. And it sucks so bad because they make the most healthy, organic, yummy, vegan food.

But every time I go in, especially since I stupidly pressured them to give me paid work, I feel utterly bleak. When I would volunteer I would often lie awake at night and toss and turn over something that I did wrong at that place, and now I am doing that every time I step foot into this place. It sucks so bad!

I can't tell my mother because she will just trash them and say that they are bad and of course, in her world, I am some perfect being. I can do no wrong. It makes me so angry and I hate it. So, I am not going to tell her.

I just want to reach out to other people with social anxiety/mental illness in the hope that someone can relate to having zero social skills and just being such a clutz socially. There is nowhere I can go to simply 'learn' these social skills. Classes like that don't exist, I have searched high and low. And so I am stuck with being this incredibly RUDE person, who people don't like because I am so socially inept.

Thanks for listening xx

21 replies

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In response to: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Kyle1Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 9:58 am AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

I saw somebody at the Cafe this morning, that I was hoping to see again.

But they were at the opposite end of the building while I sat at a dim booth...

I'm disappointed with myself that I didn't go and say hi. At the same time, though, I think it would've seemed too forced had I done so...

Then again, I didn't even think about doing so in real time: I sort of just froze up...!

Now I'm in analytical overdrive. To the point of self criticism and all its spikey prongs...

@sol_87 how are you going today?

In response to: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Kyle1Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 10:00 am AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

LOL... seems we messaged each other at the same time @sol_87 !!

Thanks for reaching out and sharing again.

I'll try compose myself to where I might be able to respond to your question...

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 10:31 am AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Hehe, @Kyle1 - that is funny that we both messaged at the same time.

Thanks for sharing your situation too!

I totally understand the need to compose yourself. I feel like I need to too.

Perhaps first we need to learn what to do with the energy that the shame and self-criticism and spikey prongs are generating (or how to discharge it). I think opening up on the forum is one good way. I am also wondering about going for a walk, even though it feels like a Herculean effort.

Take your time dear @Kyle1 - these kinds of states are no fun whatsoever, and take some time to come back from.

I can relate to the disappointment of not going up to the person you wanted to talk to. I think it is good to acknowledge that it felt like you missed the opportunity. Maybe next time you would like to put your anxiety to the side and make contact?

I feel that one way of helping to think about mistakes is to say to yourself that next time you might do something else.

How are you feeling now?

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Kyle1Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 10:44 am AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Sounds like you have a good perspective on this stuff, already @sol_87 ...

I actually did think of going for a walk. But I won't have time just now as I must go out again for an appointment.

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 10:51 am AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Hey again,

I also think that what we are doing - ie. connecting is probably the biggest thing that we both need right now.

When we are ruminating about a mistake, our brains get into the 'threat' system - the flight or fight (or freeze) system, and from my studies in Mindful Self Compassion it seems that the way to get back to our normal goal-directed system in our pre-frontal cortex, we need to activate our mammalian system - so soothing touch, warmth and soothing sounds. If you think about how you would soothe a small kitten or puppy - that is what we need right now, I think.

I have a collection of really great mindful self-compassion exercises that you might find helpful - tinyurl.com/mscaudio - I just did the soothing touch one which was very helpful, but I think the self-compassion break exercise is one of my favourites.

I feel like I want to go out into the world and be kind now.

We need to treat ourselves like a little puppy or kitten! I think that is the way through these awful states!

I hope you feel better soon! @Kyle1

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 10:54 am AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Thanks! @Kyle1

It's true that I have certainly spent many years working on this kind of stuff. Due to a mental health diagnosis, that was the path my life has taken. And I certainly don't regret that part of it!

It is nice when it can be helpful to others as well as myself.

Good luck with your appointment!

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Kyle1Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 11:18 am AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

I notice I sing a lot... this is most likely my subconscious mind trying to self soothe.

Perhaps there are chapters galore and books out there that can detail the why and what for of song, but it's an instinctual reaction for me. Very natural.

Of which I am reminded of ancient cultures, and creation stories where everything hinged on, and in some instances, began, with song.

Even whales do it, right? Maybe, also, the moon...

I did read the other day that singing can stimulate, organically, the release of oxitocin, too.

Do you sing @sol_87 ?

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 11:39 am AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

I think that singing also tones our vagus nerve, which helps to regulate our parasympathetic nervous system. I am sure that helps you too!

And I should give it a go, it does seem like it would be a soothing thing to do. That is interesting about those ancient cultures. I was reading about whale song last night actually. They compose whole symphonies, and it is quite difficult (if not impossible) for us to understand how they experience these songs.

Oxytocin is the best for what we have just been going through! I have read that petting animals releases it too!

That is so cool @Kyle1

Although I don't usually break out into song, I listen to music almost all of my waking hours, because I find it so soothing. I have been singing while I am writing to you though, and I do think you might be onto something there!

What kind of music do you like to sing to?

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 1:32 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

After a very productive morning, personal growth-wise, I would like to tell you all the intention that I want to set going forward.

I want to learn to be more aware of other people's needs and be more thoughtful of them in social situations.

I feel like I get so caught up in the 'stress' and 'anxiety' of social situations, that the part of my brain that I could use to be thoughtful of others goes offline a bit, and I don't usually twig until later that I should have been more considerate in the moment.

The other thing is that I am actually just not wired to be all that 'considerate'. My mother tends to treat most other people outside her sphere of trust as 'the enemy', or at least that is what I observed growing up, so I haven't had consideration modelled for me either.

However, I feel like this is a step forward, because if I know what my intention is (to be more kind and considerate and thoughtful of people) then I just have to learn skills and strategies that will help me to do that!

And I just wanted to share this with you - @Kyle1 @I-can @Paperdaisy

And to ask if any of those insights resonate with you?

Thank you xx

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Kyle1Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 1:52 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Yes

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