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I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 2:25 pm AEST

I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Hello,

I just got back from lunch at the cafe and bulk food store that I used to volunteer at, and now work at occasionally.

It seems that every time I go there, at least to eat lunch, I come away feeling like I want to hurt myself, or that I hate myself so much.

Today, I went to get lunch and there was a volunteer at the till, and I asked him to apply my discount. That may have been passable, but it was a bit rude. Then it was so busy and after I had taken my bowl to the sink for washing, I tried to say thanks to the cook, but she didn't hear me. Then I proceeded to leave and one of the workers said: 'Goodbye Sol' in this tone that made me feel so rude for contemplating leaving without saying goodbye. I said 'sorry, goodbye' and left. But I just felt so rude.

I can't win if I go in there for lunch. If it is busy and I get takeaway, I have to stand around and wait and it seems weird if I am not talking to the staff, and if I get a lunch to sit down I always stuff it up somehow and come off as incredibly rude.

Before I started volunteering I thought to myself that it might spoil the relationship somewhere that I love to shop and eat. And that is exactly what has happened. I can't go in there to eat. And it sucks so bad because they make the most healthy, organic, yummy, vegan food.

But every time I go in, especially since I stupidly pressured them to give me paid work, I feel utterly bleak. When I would volunteer I would often lie awake at night and toss and turn over something that I did wrong at that place, and now I am doing that every time I step foot into this place. It sucks so bad!

I can't tell my mother because she will just trash them and say that they are bad and of course, in her world, I am some perfect being. I can do no wrong. It makes me so angry and I hate it. So, I am not going to tell her.

I just want to reach out to other people with social anxiety/mental illness in the hope that someone can relate to having zero social skills and just being such a clutz socially. There is nowhere I can go to simply 'learn' these social skills. Classes like that don't exist, I have searched high and low. And so I am stuck with being this incredibly RUDE person, who people don't like because I am so socially inept.

Thanks for listening xx

21 replies

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In response to: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Kyle1Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 2:51 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

hi @sol_87

I can relate to what you describe. I have noticed and challenge this part of myself my whole life. (actually, I did take a few years off in my 20's...).

I have found that if I keep "practicing" then I am able to desensitise a little bit. And by "practicing" I mean taking myself out of my comfort zone; learning and using some very basic communication skills (like using someone's name; smiling; asking how their day has been); recognising, also, that I'm probably not the only one in the room feeling awkward...everyone is dealing with something.

The hardest thing I've yet to overcome is the analysing and self criticism once I'm out of there...

Anyways, that's me.

Thank you for sharing @sol_87

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 3:27 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Hi @Kyle1

Thanks for your reply and your support. It is inspiring to hear that you have been able to develop better social skills in yourself by practising. And they all sound like good strategies.

The analysing and criticism make sense to me on a social evolutionary level. We are hard-wired to belong to a tribe, so when our minds perceive that we have done something to jeopardise that, or which might result in us being rejected from a group it seems to go absolutely NUTS.

There is something about this particular workplace that presses my buttons because they really are a tribe and one that I admire and care for. So, I am on high alert I guess.

It is great that you are able to keep practising and putting yourself in situations outside your comfort zone, even when your mind analyses and criticises you so much afterwards.

Is this something that you have learned to do completely independently, or have you had help from support people on your journey?

Best of luck with it and thanks again for your reply.
Sol

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Kyle1Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 4:03 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

no, I have simply recognised this about myself, and didn't like it. I reasoned that I could atleast do something about it because I could see it clearly enough. So, I did. I do.

But, like I said @sol_87 : for me, it hasn't gone away. Though it can be managed.

Then again, some days, some weeks...I need to shell up again and recharge. Just the way I'm built, and that's OK, too.

I'm wondering when next you are rostered to work, and how you're feeling about that?

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 4:42 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

I love that! @Kyle1 It shows great initiative to be able to commit to doing something about it! (And recognising it in the first place).

I have found some interesting books on the topic (because as I said, I find it hard to find training or support - https://positivepsychology.com/social-skills-books/ You might find something in there too! Let me know!

I love your capacity for acceptance. 'Just the way I'm built, and that's OK, too.' That is such gold. And yes, I know about the need to recharge.

In answer to your question, I don't have another day on the roster to work. I am generally just called in at the last minute if they need someone to cover a shift.

I will still probably go in to do grocery shopping because it would be hard to avoid that, but perhaps I won't go in when it is busy at lunchtime and get lunch anymore. It always seems to end with my heart in tatters.

I definitely get the sense that many of the workers there don't really like me that much and just kind of tolerate me. But I guess there is nothing I can really do about that.

Learning and growing are always possible though, you are right. 🙂

Thanks again!

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Kyle1Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 4:53 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

it sounds like you are really fond of that store. @sol_87

It would be a shame to deprive yourself of it, and it's good to hear that you'll still go there.

I hope you stay in touch and let us know how it goes? 🙏

In response to: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

I-canContributor08 May 2023, 5:10 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

This is something I can relate to. I really struggled with this when I was younger. I don't have any friends because of it.

I have slowly gained better social skills but it is something I'm still not good at. I was raised by a mother who had autism. I didn't have a good social model. I feel uncomfortable doing social niceties and I often just walk out like you did. If I think no one will notice.

Over time, I have learnt to just be awkward. By this I mean, people just understand that it is part of my personality. That I don't mean to be rude. I apologize if needed.

You realize that the good kind of people will not care. They will see past the awkwardness. Eventually, when you get in a routine you will not make mistakes. You learn what the correct social response for the person you are talking to.

If you feel like it is hurting your mental health, it is certainly something you can learn. You can talk to a counselor or a friend or family member. They can give advice. You can talk about what is appropriate in different situations. I think you will find, that you were not as rude as you thought you are. Most of the time we are harder on ourselves then others are on us. People consider the whole of a person when they decide if they like or dislike them.

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

PaperdaisySenior Contributor08 May 2023, 5:15 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Hey @I-can I like your username..

Wise words 😊

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 7:35 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Thanks, @Kyle1 !
Yes for sure! I would love to hear more about your journey with social skills too!
All the best!
Sol

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor08 May 2023, 7:42 pm AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

Thanks so much for your thoughts @I-can

I think your words are very wise too!

I especially love the fact that you have been able to accept your awkwardness. It does seem like the kind of skill that would take some work to develop.

Letting people see past the awkwardness seems like a similar skill in the same domain.

It all seems to be a part of accepting yourself, which is easier said than done, but I think you are right - there are people who could help me to learn how to do this.

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I have found them invaluable.

Best wishes,
Sol

In response to: Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

sol_87Senior Contributor09 May 2023, 9:54 am AEST

Re: I hate myself - I am socially inept and it hurts so bad

This morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach. @I-can 's incredibly intuitive feedback helped me to realise that all this time I have been making a mistake, and that I should have been endeavouring to say goodbye every time I go into the shop.

It is sometimes not easy to do this, because they get busy and can be involved with other customers, but it seems that it is more important to say goodbye than not to interrupt - which had been my default position.

The issue now is the fact that somewhere deep inside, I have acknowledged that I have made a mistake. And for some reason, I am not sure how to process this.

I said that my mother thinks I can do no wrong, and that is partially it - in some way deep down I am surprised that I even made a mistake, but also if my mother did ever determine that I made a mistake, she would absolutely explode and go ballistic.

For that reason, now that I can acknowledge that I have made a mistake, the trauma kicks in and I just want to freeze, go back to bed, or otherwise avoid it - I feel like I can't function. It is quite debilitating.

It sounds like both of you @I-can and @Kyle1 have some experience being able to compassionately learn from your mistakes and to keep growing. Do either of you (or anyone else - @Paperdaisy ) have any advice about how to integrate and process mistakes in the presence of trauma?

Thank you!

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