I'm back

I don't know why I came back on. I'm not getting better, it's all one big mess mentally.

Yesterday was the worst day ever.

I didn't sleep well last night. Woke up at 5.30am and cried for an hour. Held my hands like tight fists near my head and cried and cried, while rocking. i ended up calling the CAT team but no answer so left msg. still waiting for them to call back. that was 2 hours ago. by now i could have been dead.

i am up and have to go to work 😞 not looking forward to going. i just want to stay home on my own with no hubby or kids around. but that won't happen. if i don't go today i will lose more pay so i am stuck in a rut. need time off to get better mentally but can't financially. it just sh**ts me so much.

my GP told me yesterday that i am not good, he said i was much better when i was seeing someone weekly. but don't think i can afford going weekly.

i have stuffed up so much, i really wanted to only work 3 days but now i can see the bad side - not enough money. and now with xmas. i am trying to not think about it but i can't help it.

i really think if i was in hospital or with my psych just crying and being me my hubby would then realise how i am. but it's my fault because i cover up.

i just want to be me the way i am and i can'tl. i so hate all the guys that abused me, i hate their guts and i wish they were all dead.

and i wish i never ever remembered the abuse.

thanks guys for the support last night and for the hugs 🙂

i really needed them last night and even now 😞

Hi again @BlueBay

@BlueBay ❤️

This is all part of your healing, as terrible as it is at the moment ..... just persevere in any way you can, and as @utopia said, you will get past this hump in the road.

Your tears are expressing things from a deep level within you, and all the strong emotions you are feeling are responses from the time of the abuse. It hasn't been my life experience, but it is clear from how therapists and counsellor's help people, and from the recovery stories, that all that terrible stuff has to surface and be cleaned out ..... and processed so you can heal .... and that doesn't happen overnight.

You are in a cycle of recover @BlueBay. Just keep swimming. Activities like work are actually part of what is called "scaffolding" sometimes .... these are things that give some structure to your day, your week, your life in general. Try to find three moments of joy in the day, even if it is as simple as someone smiling at you, or holding a door open for you.

We are walking with you @BlueBay. You are not alone.

❤️🌺🌹💕

@BlueBay

Remember I was at the same point you are only a few weeks ago and you had some encouraging words for me. You know it wont last, you will feel better. I know the impulsive feeling you are having and thats the scariest thing because you dont know how you will react to something. I was terrified I would do something to myself or someone else.

Going to work is good it will keep you distracted and gives you structure and you just have to keep going.

Do they have mental health plans there?

Here in SA they put you on a mental health plan where the first 6 or 12 (I cant remember now) visits are either heavily subsidised or free.

While at work can you play some music or something to calm you down, if not do breathing excercises or go for frequent walks to get some space to yourself.

I know how much you hurt right now and all you want is for this life of pain to be over, I feel it every day but to varying degrees.

You are such a special person and deserve to be happy - give Jersey a big hug and think of her at work if thats what makes you smile.

You will be in my thoughts today - be nice to yurself!

Hi @BlueBay

Things are tough but it's not all your fault - life is hard right now.

It's tough the CAT team didn't get back to you - but your GP seems to be there for you - and he is right - you are not doing well atm - and you need any help you can get

$220.00 an hour to see a psychologist is too much - I am pretty sure you have used up this year's Medicare Rebate - but still - that is a huge difference. My psychologists charges half that - wow - are you sure that's what she charges? - I would check up on that

I know you feel stuck in a place that you can't get out of - and wish you could be alone - I understand - this is very hard for you - but the more you write - the more you talk to us - the more we can see and feel for you

Decadian

@BlueBay

How are you?