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Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Hi,

I feel sad. I don’t want to get out of bed much atm. I’ve had so much trauma in my life and feeling of unsafe since a young child and when more high stress or abuse or nobody there for me / support has later occurred. My mother was a very unwell person. She suffocated her young brother when she was 16. So I never had emotional support. I went back and forth to my father. (While with him, sexually abused to different sick men). My full brother tried too. He died 7 years ago. He had to spend more time with my sick mother. He understood how my mother had an evil look in her eyes. I went to 10 schools.

It angers me that so called professionals (hospital psychs) put labels on me. (Bipolar) When in fact I suffer from ptsd (why is that not a term they use?) Why did they not validate my ‘feelings’ or stressors after major stress occurs and I had landed there?.. i have at times have had nervous breakdowns as my nervous system has topped to the brim and at times I have lost reality as I couldn’t cope. I have found it disgraceful that 90% of the treatment at hospital is drugs (although that has been required too). There should be so many other regular therapies offered there. I guess I feel angry, sad and disgusted. At least I can now make some sense of feeling those emotions. That’s been a hard thing for me to do in the past as I had to repress to be safe.

Because the govt has cut back mental health plans back to only 10 sessions a year it sux I cant see my psychologist as much. I do appreciate you kind people being here.

i’m quite new so I can’t remember all your user names. Thanks for being here and support. I appreciated feeling connected and I can’t talk to friends about this.

@FloatingFeather

25 replies

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In response to: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Hi there @Down2,

It really resonates with me to read your story, at least the parts where you never had any emotional support and now don't feel like going out. I am also experiencing kind of fear of getting in the world, because..why? Who is there for me? I cannot even maintain eelationships of any kind...

I am quite new to Australia, so reading you only get 10 sessions with a psychologist sucks...

For my PTSD, it really helped me to understand what it is and how it is being taken care of (in animals, naturally, or even kazuistics from different people), while reading books from Peter A. Lavine. I am faaaaaar from healed, still struggling a lot with the fact that I am an undiagnosed Aspie with ADHD (my whole life) and PTSD and Depression and Anxiety after my eFfed up childhood (abusive mother and her mother (physically, mentally, in every aspect - except sexual), father did not care, I could not have any friends or hobbies, because that made me happy, and my mother was jot happy, so I was not allowed to be happy... )

What do you think might help you? Like if there was no limitations, like in an ideal dreamy world?

And with the limitations, what do you think might be the stuff that helps you?

I am kind of sneakily seeking for inspiration, maybe even sharing some of my coping mechanisms, later on :)))

In response to: Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

I can hear your struggles and pain @Down2 @Tennie . I identify with your feelings.

Thankyou for mentioning Peter A Levine. I found a brief YouTube clip https://youtu.be/ByalBx85iC8 which is helpful as I experience somatic anxiety.

I wonder what reparenting your inner child would look like for you?

In response to: Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

@Dimity

Thank you so much for the video! Will look it up asap!

That is a great question! Reparenting the inner child...

As you mentioned somatic anxiety, I found psychosomatics in general to be quite helpful.

@Down2, I think that might be helpful for you, too... Just to observe your body in different situations...

Feel free to share more of your thoughts and experiences!

In response to: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Thank you @Former-Member . I appreciate that.

In response to: Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Thanks for your responses.

In an ideal world I would have special supportive relationships. Emotionally especially. I would have a partner who is respectful, validates my feelings and can sense what I’m feeling sometimes before I can. I would feel so safe and secure. I would receive lots of firm hugs and reassurance. I would feel protected.


i haven’t embarked with another relationship for years as I really want (need) emotional intelligence.

Yes that slinky spring resonates. It is exhausting. From a young age It was essential to repress feelings and i still find myself not verbalising my thoughts!

@Tennie @Dimity

In response to: Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

That is super nicely summed up, @Down2 :)))

Do you think you could be your own reassuring partner? Giving yourself the support and protection? (That is something I have been working on, although had a massive mental breakdowns when people, especially ma manager, at my former job saw me breaking down and made sure I did)... It sure is superhard, because it is not fair that other people got to have normal, happy, big-trauma-free childhoods and are in happy relationships, but at least we can totally learn a lot more from all the bad stuff and aaaaall the healing process. :))) and it sucks to know other people went through similar stuff, sometimes less, sometimes more horrible, but egoistically, I am kind of glad there is someone to talk to, someone that understands how hard just basic living is... altough I wish there was no need for traumas like this to happen, in an ideal case...

Anyway, I reckon that once I am able to protect myself, embrace myself and basically be on my own, happy-ish, then I will just be 'missing' something in my life, not 'needing' it, if you know what I mean. At least that is where I am heading, to find some people that just add to my life, not people tgat I would depend on (in a bad way, because of course I depend on friends to be able to share stuff with them and have fun :))). Based on my past relationship (like 6 years ago), I was too needy of all the stuff that I could not do myself (reassurance, prorection, reassurance, reassurance... mostly really reassurance, you get the idea :))) and I do not want to put that on another person. I need to learn to do that myself, for myself.

But, as you might also have experienced, years of suppressing your own feelings and ideas (plus I am an Aspie and for years I did not even know who I was, like..no identity as a person), it is hard to start validating and make them an everyday part of your life... sometimes I just break down because I am not used to having this freedom. It is hard to get from the comfortable dicsomfort zone, if you know what I mean.

But I also learned not to push it... it has been about 3 years since I intentionally started to heal myself and my inner child and I believe this process will never really stop, more and more new traumas will emerge... it is making me tired sometimes, but overall it is wort it. I escaped the bad background and am free :))) Now it is totally up to me to work with what I have and find a path that helps me and does nit affect badly other people...

(Sorry for the long post :D)

In response to: Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

@Down2 wrote "From a young age It was essential to repress feelings and i still find myself not verbalising my thoughts!"

Agreed

@Tennie wrote "Now it is totally up to me to work with what I have and find a path that helps me and does nit affect badly other people..."

Thankyou for expressing your feelings and what you need from relationships. I'm so glad you have a voice now, and I trust your people will listen.

Like you @Down2 I've lived with several labels. The current one is bipolar disorder but it's mainly crippling depression and anxiety, with past traumas resurfacing when I'm stressed or particularly vulnerable.

Finding comfort, reassurance and support within yourself isn't easy if it's never been modelled for you. And self reliance can be overrated - I've seen it damage others, who didn't deserve further hurt.

I've been looking at The Blue Knot site. They offer specialist counselling and support that might be worth considering.

In response to: Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

I hear you @Dimity . Thank you for sharing. And Re Blue knot.

I may give them a call sometime. I hesitate as I don’t think it wise I go over the traumas. I’ve prob. Said too much for myself on this site in a short time tbh.

my psychologist knows my history however as an inbetween resort just sharing snipets and whats going on in present could be beneficial.

i have called lifeline in the past for a chat; that has been beneficial too.

Thanks for being here and suggestions.

right now I’m concerned about my back. (Work has put me on jobs that will hurt it further tomorrow). I was in a head on collision yrs ago but there’s also more degeneration etc for my age

not ironic really; people haven’t had my back.

I havent told them.

From next week I shouldnt have the phydically demands.. but I’m anxious re tomorrow.

calmative didn't do much at all.


Hugs to you who need it too.

In response to: Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

I'm also reading along and listening @Down2 .

Please know you are not alone in this.

In response to: Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Re: Labels put on trauma & a bit more of my story

Thank you @tyme. That means a lot.


I don’t think I should work tomorrow.

My back is sore and I feel anxious.

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