@Till23
Ive never had a mental health diagnosis. Apart from my GP who put me on a mental health care plan last year for depression. I know that I have always had bad anxiety, mainly social. It always terrified me to talk to people and very awkward to be around them. It was slightly easier if i knew them. But it's something i still struggle a lot with.
I am an adoptee and that had always bothered me a lot. I decided last year, in the middle of dealing with becoming resistant to the first hormone therapy, that i'd finally dig into how many of my issues were from being an adoptee. Because of course I did! I learnt about insecure attachment styles and separation trauma. And while it explained so much about the way i felt and acted, it felt like too little too late.
I never really knew what to do after school finished. To be success in school, all i had to do was learn things and answer questions correctly. I didn't matter if i had friends or could talk to people. Then school ended so I went to college for 4 years. Then that finished and I had no idea. My confidence and self-esteem were still massive issues and it's a bit hard to sell yourself at job interviews when you are convinced there's no point in trying. The anxiety got so bad that I got to the point where I would do literally anything to avoid being put in those situations as it was the only way to get rid of the 24/7 panic and depression these situations brought on.
I was eventually made to do some volunteer work at a local community centre and when they found out i knew about computers, the seemed so excited. They had so much stuff for me to do. For the first time I felt useful and wanted. I soon took over running the computer classes they did (that was anxiety inducing in itself) and became their IT guy. And I got paid for both jobs. It wasn't a huge amount of hours but I was happy there, felt valued and i knew them pretty well by this time so I stayed for almost 20 years.
I didn't have enough money to leave home on my own, and didn't know anyone to move in with, and moving in with a stranger was out of the question so I stayed like this because I i thought it was the best i would ever get.
By my early 40's i had known something was wrong for a while but decided I had to change or my life was never going to change. I did force myself out of my comfort zone with a few things and met my partner who i'm still with, and slowly, life started to improve as I slowly chipped away at all of those issues. But it felt like by this time the damage was done. I was 43, no real career history, no kids, no friends. All because I had avoided all of it for so long because of that intense fear of rejection and the anxiety it brought.
Funnily enough it was the cancer diagnosis at 51 that actually got me to really start to improve. Apart from having cancer obviously, it's the best my life has ever been because I have formed connections with some fantastic people and have close friends that I can talk to about how i'm feeling. Not many, but more than zero is a big improvement. Plus in getting involved in fundraising, raising awareness and support groups I've built quite a network and I can now meet professional people in the prostate cancer world who know my name. It still blows my mind.
Apart from support group and the forum, my partner and a good friend are the only MH support I have. So i've been lucky to have my partner to be with me through the past 2.5 years dealing with the cancer but I can still see how hard it must be to go through alone. I've supported a couple of guys in the group who are in that position and so I try to be there as much as I can for them. So i'm sorry you found yourself in that position and I can totally understand the toll it must have taken on your MH. Everyone i've spoken to has said it's taken a massive toll on theirs and most of them had their families and friends.
I get what you mean about everything looking okay to the outside. It can be a bit of a curse to be able to function well enough and hide any struggles. No one cuts you any slack at all and it just makes it so much harder, which just continues to eat away at the MH. I'm glad you've found these forums helpful as well, it's certainly helped me a lot with dealing with my diagnosis and my social issues as well.
Well I seem to have rambled on again, so apologies for the long read. But thank you for the chat and support tonight, it's helped a lot. And it's nice to get to know someone else here.
