My rambling page

🙂 I just have to know now!: is there actually a punchline to this??

@Kyle1 @ No it's rhetorical, that's the joke LOL. Sorry.

I did a lot of processing yesterday and a lot of sleeping. I've taken another step forward I think. If I have the resources to stick with it.

A lot of the things that are happening now are nowhere near as bad as what was happening. It's just the loss of trust, the exhaustion, and the fear talking now. It's been close on a year now and I'm just so over it all. And hyperalert to everything.

I'm tired.

@Gillie1

I found out the other day that all my records and things shared in confidence with GP, ACT, psych, social worker were given out... That 'privacy' is a myth.

I won't get started on how I feel about this, but it does make me think a whole lot about the futility and insecurity of being truthful or honest.

And that's not even to mention the hurt incured by loved ones...

A quote shared here @ the forums last week:

"Hell is other people"

Yeah there's records shared that aren't actually accurate in that it's easy for people to hold onto things people say that support their assumptions and don't check their validity. And it's easy for people to dismiss things people say that don't support the initial assumptions.

Records have been shared that shouldn't have been but worse than that is word of mouth. And confirmation bias is a killer.

"Lies go round the world before the truth has got its boots on".

Add to that the pressure of knowing what is happening and what people are thinking and how many people are thinking it.

The pressure of feeling like you are being tested and examined under a microscope all the time and at any time.

Add to that the fact that every time you call it out you are lied to, pathologies, told you are paranoid and gaslighted repeatedly.

Add to that the fact that of knowingly being examined changes your behavior and interactions whether you want it to or not.

And under all this pressure I have to behave normally or people will lie or pathologize me further?

For a year? And I haven't broken and done anything wrong? No one is capable of handling that kind of stress and behave normally. And anything abnormal is put into a box and label.

I still know that they are wrong. Someone susceptible can be hypnotized to cluck like a chicken. But no one can hypnotize someone to sit on a nest and lay an egg. Not if it's not in their nature. Anyone who says differently is deluding themselves.

Damn straight!

Add to that having to "prove" otherwise in courts...

I have made this my mantra of late:

"My name is Sunkmanitu Tanka Ob Waci”. I will not talk to you anymore. You are not worth talking to."

Thankfully things haven't got that far for me and I don't think they can there is nothing for them to take to court, just a messed up person trying to be themselves without privacy safety peace of mind or sanity. Trying to live in a world where I'm scared of everyone and everything and bloody exhausted and traumatised. Waiting for everyone to just let me be and recover myself. I just don't know what is a test and what isn't anymore. I don't know what's real and what's not anymore and I don't know who thinks what anymore because so many people have lied to me. I don't know who is safe.

Then again I've thought things couldn't get any worse before and been proven wrong.

I'm heading out my door today and going to my friends. I can tell I'm going to go downhill if I don't do something. I can feel it happening already. I haven't been out for a walk by myself for ages but I need to see my friend its been too long.

"My name is Sunkmanitu Tanka Ob Waci”. I will not talk to you anymore. You are not worth talking to."

We're you saying this to me @Kyle1 ? If so I understand. Just confused.

Absolutely not @Gillie1 !

This is the line I've had to adhere to inorder to deal with the kinds of people you described so well today...those who would seek to fool you into believing you're a chicken and then further expect you lay eggs!

How was your evening? You were heading out to visit a friend...