My rambling page

@Kyle1 @I get what you mean I think and I need to have more perspective. I get caught up in others and not myself I just can't get past how destructive this last year has been. I haven't been this unwell for 15 years and it has been triggered and made worse by others. And this is the state I have to prove myself in. There's so much I can't prove not just what I'm not doing, but what I'm not thinking. No one can prove their own internal conversation. All I can do is try and be myself and hope people see that eventually.

While it's not my fault it's my responsibility to manage myself.

To look after myself and try to not burden others. Try not to take it out on others.

I am just so lost and want someone to tell me it is over that I'm safe that I'll be OK.

But there's another angry part that wants others to take accountability and that just isn't going to happen.

Today I am taking another step to improve my ability to cope.

I need to take steps to get better and look after myself and at the same time I need to express my anger and pain in a way that isn't damaging to

anyone.

It's a complex dance at the moment. To move forward and recognize the pain of the now and the past at the same time but not wallow in that.

yes, I get a picture of a complex dance... and I hear a tremendous effort in your (writing) voice. @Gillie1

It sounds to me, though, that inspite of what has gone on you are not giving up on yourself. It's clear by what you've shared that you are dedicated and fortified in the pursuit of walking this thing out. That shows resilience, attentiveness, and with the conversations we've shared it's obvious you are quite intelligent, too!

In the field of Astrology, they draw on figures from Greek and Roman myth alot. One of those figures, ( often tied in with Virgo) is Chiron. He is the motif, or the pin up metaphor representing the "wounded healer". But he is a Centaur, too. So he has a human mind and heart which governs his otherwise animal needs and instincts...

I'm all mixed up tonight.

I met a puppy today who might be a lifesaver. Excited hopeful I don't know for sure if practicalities will work out but she was perfect. So that was uplifting and exciting.

Then my anti-virus on the new phone ended recently and I started getting crap again seemingly from nowhere again. It's a new phone and I haven't been on anything dodgy I know not to click on strange links and such. It's not linked to any app. It feels like harassment but I can't prove anything. I called the police and they were no use.

So I'm hopeful but disillusioned. I feel like people are constantly trying to drag me down. I can't put too much hope in a puppy but dogs are so much easier to connect with than people.

Now I'm just bloody passed again and once again there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Do you like to sing? @Gillie1

??? You are very cryptic sometimes @Kyle1 .

I woke up furious. It's like someone knows when I'm starting to get better starting to be myself and they decide to play their games with me just to screw with me. Just to take me off balance again.

Any decent person would see how abusive it is to send unsolicited filth to a woman in a way she can't even just block it. They don't see a problem sending it to me through.

I keep telling them they are triggering my illness then labeling it.

They have entered my house while I was sleeping and took my phone from beside my bed.

They have told so many people things that aren't true.

They have gaslighted me repeatedly. Lied, told me I'm imaging things.

Told Me I shouldn't worry about breaches in privacy and entrapment.

They have used my attempts for privacy to influence others to participate in entrapment.

They continually lied and influence others to lie to me whenever I call things out.

I tried to work with people to talk about my experiences but whatever I say they twist to contribute to their own story.

I know now I will never really be safe again because they have stuck a label on me that I can never shake. And isn't true. I'm not going to suicide, I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. I have been honest because it is important, I know any lie would be found out eventually, and I was stupid enough to think if I cooperated as much as I can my name would eventually be cleared.

Instead I have been lied to manipulated betrayed and repeatedly torn down to nothing. And my name will never be truly cleared. I will never really be safe again.

That is my life they have destroyed but f them I'm not going to let them tell me who I am. I know me now they can never take that.

Gee @Gillie1 ...

Sounds like you've met my ex!

Time to change your locks, @Gillie1

No wonder you feel unsafe!

Feeling exhausted and scared today. Definitely a doona day. There's was no read for the last event apart from just showing they could.