Malens Babble

Its time for my night meds, I struggle less with my morning meds less but the night ones are hard. None of it used to be, I just took my meds and all was good. But the whole my medication is poision thing is making it harder and harder to take them. I keep putting it off. The thing that tends to get me through is this thought that I wish the Grim Reaper would hurry up, dont get me wrong I am not suicidal I just dont want to be here anymore. So having poision medication can only hasten the process. Annoyingly it hasnt happened, it hasnt proved that my medication is poision so there shouldnt be an issue but there is. If you kept up with that well done, I understand that makes no sense. But end result I struggle every day to take my medications.

I didnt have issues with taking medication prior to my recent psychotic break, I feel like its some kind of left over bit from it. Like charcoal after a fire. But I dont know how to stop/get over it. Is it just like I have to wait it out?

@tyme

Part of it was that it was meant to be 2 days downtime, not 6 weeks. That was what was planned and I feel like Im letting Dad down by needing more time to recover.

Also, while Ive been in pain more than 1/2 my life I was able to function. At the moment I pretty much cant. Watching streaming TV and the Forum is the majority of my existance and thats pretty frustrating. I manage to drive into town in the morning and get my smokes and drinks for the day before the pain starts to overtake and I need pain killers. I dont know why but Im pretty good for an hour in the morning. But painkillers are needed there on.

As for a bit of kindness Id like to, but I dont really know how to. My sister and I were just speaking about the expectations that we have had on us in our childhood and even to today, I wouldnt say our parents are demanding but they do expect. Ive failed on many occassions and Im pretty well a permanant failure in my Mums eyes now days as I reject the expectations but we have never been taught, for a lack of a better word, how to be kind to ourselves. U push through, u always push through

All through my schooling I was abused by other kids. The kids that didnt abuse me had pretty much nothing to do with me. It was a small R-12 school so I did essentially all my schooling at the same school. I joined early years, dont remember when exactly but from the moment I joined I wasnt liked by anyone and the kids that beat me up in my early years continued through out. In year 8 a school in a nearby town had its 8-12 years were shut down and moved to our school.

I did not find any friends within these new people. There was a rivalry between the two towns and the new kids were not happy with the new arrangements and were pretty hostile to begine with. They saw me getting picked on etc and hey presto I had new bullies and they really knew what they were doing and I coped it. For the remainder of my schooling I was beaten pretty much daily. An indication as pretty much daily, on my graduation day, 5 kids left the class, one of them fly clicked me to the head and knocked me out briefly.

I am an introvert, I dont know if it was school or just how I was born but I dont know how to make friends and I have little desire to.

I dont trust people, I dont really show my emotions to others. I figure that they will use them against me. I struggle with Psychiatrists and Psychologists, like opening up to them. I find being honest about who I am with new people, I hide so much. Thats what I love about this forum, I can be honest and open because I dont know you and you dont know me and there is basically no way for us to bypass that or meet in real life.

Part of me wants more, part of me knows I dont deserve more. All of me has no idea how to deal with the truama I suffered. It impacts me on a regular basis even all these years later. I have forgiven the kids involved but what they did haunts me.

That sounds so tough @ClockFace . I'm sorry you have had to experience this. It's so unfair.

Hugs. I'm listening.

Last night I decided to send an email to my Pain Specialist and described what was going on. The pain I was suffering but also the pain I was no longer suffering. Meaning the pain that I went in to treat seems to be gone which was the idea. But in its place it feels like I have this pain like a firey sword being jammed into just above my butt crack (sorry) and a clysdale has booted me in my lumber back. I kinda walk in really short steps that become a bit of a shuffle as the day goes on.

The drugs they have had me on dont get rid of the pain fully but make it manageable but the trade off is I am really drowsy by the end of the day Im barely able to keep my eyes open and once Ive had my night meds thats the end of my day

Anyhow, its Easter Friday, Im not expecting any form of contact until like Tuesday but my Pain Specialist rang this morning at 8:30. A bit more questioning and he said that I have a nerve lesion. He has doubled my nerve pain medication and is hoping that will resolve my pain. I have my doubts, I was going to talk to my GP next time I saw her about discontinuing it because it didnt seem to do anything. At the same time he has said to stop the extra pain killers.

There doesnt seem to be a heal time for a nerve lesion, it could be weeks or months which doesnt excite me at all. Really hoping for weeks at max.

Amazingly, this is rare, I say amazingly because so often my sister and I end up with the rare outcome.

Knowing what is happening is half the journey Not that it helps with the right now. But knowing gives you options and direction. I really hope the extra nerve meds help.

I wish that all my responsibilities were gone. Like I dont have issue with being responsible for myself but having the responsilities for others is getting too much. Even the thing of monitoring what and how I speak in case it upsets others, Im not good at this but I try.

There seems so much pressure to be who Im not so I can make others comfortable or so I am acceptable as a human, rather than just being accepted how and for who I am.

Nothings triggered this today, its been playing on my mind a bit that Im not good enough as who I am and that I have to tone down certain aspects, do other things for them, just not be the real me.

Added to that I wish the goverment did more to support mental health and medical health. The costs involved for psychiatrists and psychologists make it prohibitive for many to access these services. I mean $300 for a psychiatrist appointment and you have to come up with that regularly etc. Normal specialist appointments are getting out of control as are the out of pocket surgical costs. The procedure I just had was 2k and I got $650 back and I got to do that like every 6-9 months. Medication costs are rising, more and more are now $30 under PBS making the non-PBS ones that are like $60-$80 reasonably cost effective.

I am looking forward to reaching both my safety limits as that will help but the costs of medical care in Australia is getting out of hand and the goverment needs to step in and do something.

must be something in the air @ClockFace

Going on from my previous post, the depression is really bad today but now screaming.

Watching a show and it kinda depicted what I hear and feel and then I could hear it. Thousands upon thousands of trapped souls screaming in my head. Its not loud at the moment but its gonna get there, I can feel it. I hate this psychotic feature, well I hate them all, but this is the most common and can last for hours to months. Music/TV is my go to in managing this.

I feel like they want something from me, but I cant determine one voice from another to determine what it is that they are screaming, if I could pick one voice and hear what is being said maybe I could do something, no thats nuts, its a hallucination, what am I gonna do. But everytime I try.

I wasnt gonna post this because people might read this one and not my previous post, but reading the post prior to this would also be appreciated