Malens Babble

Too much time to think on holidays I think. Easter is one of those times when people who are healthy, with healthy family connections get together and celebrate togetherness. It can be isolating and painful to feel on the outside of that whether it is reality or not.

Maybe?

As SANE is shut for easter I rang regional access, call back service was good as it was a bit over hour wait to speak to someone. But well worth the wait she was fantastic. She did refer me to the Rural and Remote Mental Health Service, but wasnt to get me off the phone as another service has done to me.She talked with me a bit and at the end asked me to try and connect with myself, no idea what she meant, sounded dirty but it wasnt. She wants me to think of 5 things that I like about myself. She said she could tell just by our short call I was loving, kind and caring, not 3 things Im commonly told I am. Generally Im told im a ahole or a c word etc. There isnt much positive reinforcement here.

Ive been trying to think of one thing I like about me, one thing that is good and I really cant. I struggle to consider myself a good person in any way or shape. I exist, I try not to go out my way to hurt people but I do anyhow. In any way Ive been taught to measure I am not doing well in my life and I wouldnt measure up as a good person.

Yes I have been caring for my sister, I love her but neither Mum or Dad stepped up to care for her so it fell on me, not that I feel bad about that, shes my sister so of course Id look out for her but its more an obligation. That sounds horrible but Id much prefer Mum or Dad did it, they would at least have some idea what to do in a lot of situations, though Dad would be no good with the MH aspect.

So, this 5 things is really hard, I just dont think there are any, let alone 5 good qualities about me.

Anyhow I rang Rural and Remote and they didnt really have much to offer to be honest. They did suggest going to hospital but I know as well as they that me not being suicidal or intentiions to harm others I have a 6-8 hour wait to be sent away.

They did suggest the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre, we took my sister there once and she didnt think much of it but she just wanted medication to take the feeling away as far as I could tell. Ive had meds that make me drowsy and will need to take my night meds soon so I cant go tonight but I think, if Im up for the drive, Ill go down and have a chat to them. At this stage nothings open, being easter, and I am pretty much willing to try anything. While Im not suicidal and my sisters attempts have made me firmly against that kinda thing. I know depression well enough that your beliefs are simply nothing if its intense enough.

Depression sucks, I dont know if Bipolar Depression is different/worse than normal depression, but in general depression is horrible. I dont feel like me when Im like this. I dont feel like Im really human, a real person. I feel hollow and broken, twisted and misshappen.

The last few days, well for a while, I have been struggling with my depression. Ive been speaking to a couple places. A few have referred me to the local triage team, so I rang. Of course there was the suggestion of Hospital but Im not suicidal so not a hope of being admitted. Anyhow they suggested the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre, which my Dad calls a Kindergarten for Nutters.

I rang them today to see if they would do a phone thing because they are a long drive away and I dont think I would cope with the drive without my strong pain killers, but they make me drowsy so I cant get there. I cant ask/wont ask Dad due to his attitude. He could simply drop me off and they would Taxi me home. Id still be concerned about pain.

Seems Im stuck with phone based companies until I can find a way to get some more intensive help.

I just got off the phone to my sister, she again asked if I was coming to a family lunch tomorrrow, I said I was intending too but will depend on how my back is, as I had said via text.

I then said that I would intend after the lunch to go to the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre, Ive wanted to for a few days but its too far for me to drive but not far from where the meal would be. Her response was why, despite me being somewhat open about my current situatioin, I told her I wasnt coping with anything, Mum, Dad, her, me anything. She then wanted to know what that meant for her, she has surgery coming up (which I had no intention of playing a role in).

Most of you know what been going on, Im not going to recap because it will just make me sad and even more depressed. But her first thought is about who will look out for her, for the one afternoon I would be in a care centre trying to get help in managing my situation so I can continue to help her.

I keep saying Im trying to keep my shit together but its more so Im trying to get my shit together now. There is too much going on for me to deal with, there is too much in my own life for me to cope with let alone my sister, Mum and Dad.

I had, while brief, a hallucination yesterday, given how soon after my psychotic break this has me really worried about having another one and Im really worried that if I have another one it will be worse than I have had.

Im having symptoms like memory loss, confusion, etc. im having trouble with sleep, eating, medication, self care in general. So I am aware that I am not in a good position. Even in my current state I am of little help to my sister.

The fact that me being able to put her first being the priority not being the case causing her to make comment on the matter ticks me off and it hurts.

I was doing reasonably well prior to that, they minimised my pain, while briefly it was minimised and also showed the surgery worked. I have a chance at being pain free that made me happy. but her comment thrust me back into misery

I dont know if it was the injection of anti-inflammatory or lack of pain but I managed to sleep a full 10 hours without waking once. I honestly dont know the last time I slept through the night. I couldnt even guess.

Im still tired lol. But if this is lack of pain then it could be life changing.

So with my back feeling up to it I've driven down to the UMHCC. About an hours drive from home. See if they can help me out, atleast get me across the line until appointments coming up.

They are kinda like a phone in service but face to face. Does look like im in for a bit of a wait. Urgent doesn't scream 45 minute wait tho.

So turns out a 45 minute wait really means 3.5 hours. Fortunatly the wait to see the councillor guy wasnt long. I should explain it was 3.5hr wait in the entry (seated) to see a nurse and some other person where u have a chat about why ur there and for some reason they take ur blood pressure. Then you go upstairs. Lots of recliners. Areas to color in. drinks, snacks and microwavable meals. You wait there to see the councillor. Then you have a 45min conversation with them, they make some recommendations and give you some resources.

If this was cut down time wise massively it might be a great service. I took my sister there as well and time was long as well, like whole day long. Was told was very unusual, was kinda desperate so thought id give them a second go. Not worth a total of 6.5hrs of my life.

They did help, I wont say they didnt but a second time doesnt seem worthwhile. Especially when you have services like SANE.

It was kinda cool though a long lost work friend worked there so I got to hang out with her for a fair bit and catch up and just chat which was really cool. I wondered for a long time how she wound up, like we both knew each other had mental health issues so we would talk and then she quit and we lost touch. It was good to know she got a partner, had a kid, was studying and got a job she likes, so I was happy for her.

I actually think I got more out of talking to her than I did out of the councillor. Having a previous connection with her made it easier to talk to her. I didnt go into the depth I did with the councillor but I was pretty open.

I think overall I felt worse leaving there, not their fault, but some of the stuff discussed sorta hit home, made me realise how depended on I was by my family. How used I am. How abused and unappreciated I am. What I do about this Im not sure. Ive been putting up boundries, though rarely do they adhear to them, if I can enforce I do, even if that means a fight. It shouldnt mean a fight but you know sometimes it comes to it. I dunno, I just realised even more why Im struggling with depression and psychotic symptoms. Somehow I have to reduce my stress, rapidly, or Im gonna have another psychotic episode, something we planned for in the discussion, not like steps on how to have one, but what to do at different steps of the process.

I do think Ill be sticking to SANE or something similar when they have finished for the day

My anti-inflammatory injection wore off at 3am, about 36hrs after I got it. Hoping my pain specialist calls today to discuss where from here. Sent him an email over the weekend. Gonna try and get into my doctors clinic today to see what they can do as well in case the specialist doesnt call back. Pain is incredible and getting worse. Have some strong pain relief but thats doing minimal. I really hope someone can sort this out soon. I went in to resolve pain not be in far more and just left dangling in the wind for a real answer to that pain