Malens Babble

Hi @ClockFace Thanks for posting your experiences. I have also spent many years in church and my experience in the AOG has, more often than not, been good. I miss the years of fellowship we enjoyed as a family.

@Eve7

The people I miss from my church when I was younger. Though they were all mainly elderly, there was no one my age

When I joined the church again as an adult I found a lot of 'friends' and enjoyed my time having 'friends'. However the moment I left the church I lost them, the first was the pastor who didnt even reach out to see if he could do anything etc and I was an elder. They have become friends in my mind as friends with strings, so long as I followed the pack I was acceptable but move away from that and banishment. Kinda hurt

@ClockFace Hey again.

I relate a lot to ... let us say ... intersections of psychosis and religion ... It has been part of my families of origin .. and part of their differences even feuds ... and I was caught in the middle and involved in the church and trying to be the best person I could be, bridging gaps. Its hard. The man and woman-made realities so often far far from ideal.

I still have friends that I’ve had for years, some have passed and some, obviously, weren’t true friends @ClockFace . I have isolated myself recently and not shared what’s happening currently in my life but I still get invited to social events.

Having said all that, I’ve met a lot of odd people in church and been involved in some strange occurrences.

If you saw me you wouldnt notice, I hide my emotions pretty well but also the pain killers (we'll get to them) make me drowsy and makes it hard to express pretty much anything other than the desire to sleep.

So some time ago I was on a medication mix that left me very docile, maybe, I didnt have any energy or motivation. I had chores that I barely did. I was pretty much just a blob that didnt do anything that I didnt have to.

I saw a urgent psychiatrist who made some changes and added a medication which changed that, it is designed to help people with narcolepsy and sleep apnea but used off label to boost energy and motivation. I have sleep apnea too so it can only help with that.

So I was up doing stuff, helping, activish. I was still in pain so limited on what I could do but I was doing more than I was before.

Then comes this procedure, which after some testing (2 seperate procedures) I get told I can have. 48hr recovery time. Should be pain free was my understanding but no. Im in more pain now than I was before so they have increase pain meds, which make me drowsy given how much I was already on. So I cant help around the house because of pain or I cant help out because Im 1/2 asleep. Even writing these things takes extra time because I doze.

So Im pretty angry that now Dad is looking after me, Mum, sister, the house and now all my chores. I did managed to take out the rubbish and that knocked me for ages.

Im wild with my sister. She has decided that she didnt want to see anyone for a week, shes too emotionally volitile. Except now, she has decided she needs some stuff and has put Dad in this situation where he has to take the stuff she needs down. Added to that she has stuff for him to pick up in a nearby town, in the opposite direction to where she is. Its gonna take him an hour to get all the stuff she wants at home sorted, 45 min round trip to pick up this stuff then 1.5hrs round trip to drop it off. And its literally that, drop it off and leave, she doesnt want visitors. Only a night or 2 ago Dad said that he missed her. So I feel really bad for him but Im fuming with my sister, seriously who do you think you are. If it were me I would be telling her to....well you know.

Then there's my Mum. She was in hospital for 10 days, issues ended up being determined that she was overdoing it on pain meds. Webster packs were highly recommended but Mum didnt want to do them because if she needs extra pain meds she would have to dip into the next day. Heres a thought, stick to your prescription.

Anyhow, she in hospital lived a normal hospital life, no falls, no speech slurring, etc. She gets home and (I have to wake her daily) Im taking my meds and going back to bed. Day in day out. That would be because she has stayed up all night or is taking extra meds to sleep. she doesnt leave her room, but would go for walks in the hospital. Dad has to take her tea to her (I refuse). She doesnt do anything, barely moves let alone help the family.

Im sick to death of it, if your gonna act like that you dont get a say let alone a right to command what happens in the house or the lives of people living there. Worst of all she cant understand why my sister is so mad with her and why she blames Mum for alot of why she is in hospital. AARRRHHHH

When Dad leaves I think there will be a call to SANE cause I wanna blow my top, I dont have the energy to but I want to

@Eve7

Yes Church does attract strange people.

Im quite isolated, I have one good friend that I see irregularly. Being my age (43) I feel ive missed my time to make good friends. When I was at Church I was late 20's. That was my time to make and keep close friends and it missed me.

That said, Im a natural loner. Im happiest when Mums in her room and Dad and sister arent home. On my holidays, when I used to be able to take them I would hire a house or a cabin, get the supplies I need for a week and then hibernate.

If your isolating because of whats going in on in life thats ok, but dont get trapped there unless your that way inclined. If you need people do your best to be with them, my Mum is a people person and she doesnt have any and it has affected her poorly

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying @ClockFace I've discovered a term lately called Religious Trauma. It's not about blame or people it's about the impact unhealthy messages spread through religious dogma can have on those who are susceptible.

It's really hard to sort my own faith self-worth and view of God and sometimes other Christians out from the filter my own experience of religion has put on things.

Ad psychosis to the mix you are talking about I can imagine it really stuffed your identity up. I try to maintain my own faith without the triggers involved with having Religion as a go-between but it's hard.

Luckily I have managed to maintain a couple of truly spiritual people from my last church foray who try their darndest to encourage me on my faith journey. They have had their work cut out for them lately but that makes me value them even more. And see what true Christian unconditional love looks like as it is reflected in them. I'm working on it.

“Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It's where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more.”

Hold on.

So I rang SANE Im still angry, didnt expect they would be able to stop that but, I dont want to get on the phone and rip my sister a new one or my Mum. Did give me an idea for some support.

Im mad about the pain and being so drowsy that I cant help not because Im in pain or drowsy or even that I cant help. Its that Dad is bearing the load alone and someone should be helping him and given that it was supposed to be a 2 day recovery, it should be me. So I feel like I am failing Dad.

Additionally, Im worried about Dad being spread to thin and having a mental health issue of his own. Its like my sister and Mum have this opinion that he should just be able to do everything they ask, how they ask and when they ask. I mean Ive asked him to do stuff but its different, I asked him to bring in my lite n' easy when he had a chance and I would put it away, they would ask for both. I can do part of it so I will.

Dad has gone to drop off clothes and stuff to my sister, without the expectation that he will be spending time with her, something I feel is rude and unfair. I have now found out that her NDIS services could have picked up what she wanted and taken it to her, which would have saved Dad a long trip and allowed him to do the things he had intended. This might actually have helped for a long time, we could have used this in conjunction with trips where we visited. The pressure that would have been reduced, annoys me that we didnt know about it earlier.

Im going to have to have a talk with Dad about how he's doing. He has had 2, what he calls moments, by memory he just sat staring out to nothing. Completely vacant. I know he is worried about having another as he isnt sure he'll come back from it. So, I want to make sure he isnt going down that road having to look after my Mum, Sister and now me, doing the stuff I normally do. Dad has stage 4 non-hodkins lymphoma so he is pretty sick.

The poor bastard still has to feed the dogs and do the dishes when he gets home. Id like to say I would do the dogs but I cant see myself being able to bend over multiple times to put the bowls on the ground. Same for the dishwasher. Sitting, typing hurts but manageable, standing, walking even to the other end of the house hurts more, bending over repeatedly hurts alot. Not to mention, I just want to sleep, like today will be the first time I havent napped in a while and thats only because I have a telehealth doctors appointment at 5 for more pain killers. Telehealth because too drowsy to drive and didnt want to make Dad drive, now not sure he will even be home.

@Gillie1

I have a very complicated relationship with religion now days. As a whole I think religion has so much "man" involved in it that we lose the essence of the truth.

I think I was experiencing psychosis early on not a religious experience and I am stuck trying to work out what kinda God would do that to a kid. Because of the religious stuff I didnt get diagnosed until I was 32 and years of torment.

I still believe in God but what that means for me, Im not sure.

Hey there @ClockFace ,

I'm hearing you. It sounds so hard at the moment, and that there are so many competing pressures.

Do you think you are being too tough on yourself? Remember, you are still recovering. It is not because you are choosing not to help, it is because physically, this is not possible for now?

Would a dose of kindness to yourself be helpful?