Malens Babble

Mums back is sore tonight and she's sick of it. Shes has some pain meds to help calm it down. Im on really high dose pain medication daily, just daily, if its really bad then its extra pain killers like tonight. I dont think she gets what its like to be me and really why talk to me about being sore, its just not fair. Especially when everyone treats me like Im exaggerating and not in the pain I say etc.

I went off to get my night meds while my tea cooks, Dad in that few minutes decided to do the dishwasher, which is underneath the microwave, which I was using. I also cant get to my seat when the dishwasher is open. Instead of getting out the way, I mean he should have left it when he saw I was using the microwave. but instead of getting out the way, he kept going until the timer on the microwave finished. He does this every now and then, he will stop me from getting to my seat because of the dishwasher, and he kinda makes me wait, like proving I can stand longer than I say, Of course if Im being forced to stand up, then Ill stand up longer, its not like after 3 min, my body collasps, the pain increases beyond what I can tolerate. He was the last straw tonight and now Im taking extra pain killers.

I went to bed at like 6 or 6:30pm and I slept well, like really deeply. I woke up at 10ish and its 1:30ish now, Im feeling quite good, almost a little bubbly but I dont think Ill be far from bed again. My back isn't great at the moment, like lumbar is really painful and all up my spine hurts to my neck which really bad as well. Im hungry as hell, Im having a can soup, that chunky stuff. Ive eaten heaps in past 24 hours. Actually the pain is rapidly increasing, if it doesnt settle soon it might be time for extra pain relief.

So my first day without a smoke has past and Ive done ok, not much in the way of cravings. I feel like I might manage things this time.

I went back to bed but only lasted an hour to an hour and a half. Woke up with really bad reflux, thats been worse lately but Im sure it will pass. But Im pretty tired this time. Its weird how sometimes I wake during the night and Im awake, bit bubbly, then I wake up tired, then blah. You would have thought that you just wake and you were ok until something happened, or something from last night played on your mind. But no, you're as moody during sleep as awake.

My alarm went off and I woke up, next I hear dogs barking, Dads up going to the loo and grumping about the dogs and my sister has gone off to my Mums room without the dogs, which is why they are barking. I lasted like 30min awake and went back to bed. I slept from 7:30-11:30am, so like 17hrs or something. Ive woken up in a lot of pain, my hips are like they're in a vice. Im finding pretty hard to sit upright. My lower back is really painful as well. I feel like Im sitting on a pole or something. Im really ridgid. I didnt have my pain meds on time which is an issue and going to be as it will take a while for the next lot to kick in, same with my normal meds, I was late in taking them so I feel a bit shit as a result. Given how much sleep Ive had and how reasonable decent it was Im suprised how keen I am to go back to bed. I just went to the loo, trying to walk is really hard, I was pushing against the wall as I walked up the hallway for the little support I could get. My shoulders and neck are sore, but a lot better than they have been. The top half seems reasonable in comparison to normal. The bottom half isnt great at all.

The house is getting more and more full of stuff, but it appears its my sisters. The lounge seems to be rearranged every now and there, but more stuff ends up in there. The hallway is now completely full again, with enough room to walk down it but thats it. Now furniture that was in the car is now coming inside, my sister is doing that alone. Im worried about being able to hold open the screendoor for her and she is carrying what looks quite heavy inside from the car. Why she cant wait for Dad I have no idea. This is common, then she is in pain once she has done everything she wants to do. Again, she can do this, My Mum spontaniously takes out draws full of clothes. I cant imagine doing anything like what they do, I mean I could do it, physically I could not move those things my sister is moving. I dont know what would happen but I think I would just crumble. I dont understand why we have to keep just shifting shit about, not really improving. Half her room is on her bed again, she s rearranging that because she doesnt like how it was, again. Its not just modifying a little its restarting again and again and again. It means half her room ends up in the lounge again. I havent changed my room since I moved in, its stayed the same, though there really isnt another way to have it. But Im not compelled to change my room every other month and in doing so taking most of your room and putting in the lounge, down the hallway etc. I actually see how this could upset and irritate those I live with, maybe because I am held accountable for my actions when they interfer with others, you are just left to do as you please.

The dogs want to go out and my sisters dog is barking, my sister says too the dogs that I will let them out, no asking me just assuming that I again, will look after her dogs for her. Im pretty sick of just having other peoples responcibilities lumped on me, because I chose not to have any and therefore have the time for theirs.

Is it that they feel that they need to do something to be in pain, like she has moved the cupboard so she is in pain, that makes sense to them. Maybe they dont really get that I start off the day in pain, sleeping is sufficient to cause pain. You know I dont need an instigator to be in extreme pain its just my life that I am in extreme pain from the get go. I kinda feel like they are so decietful and underhanded they assume I am aswell. Seriously if you're in the pain my sister says she is how could you move a heavy cupboard yourself. I mean its dumb to do it anyhow, thats one way to hurt yourself without a previous injury. If you do it and then your in pain and you know and assume you will be in pain from doing it, then dont do it or be prepared to suffer the consequences. This is why I get shitty, they try and get me to do more than I can and then leave me with the consequences.

I dont know how much sense Im making, my head is swimming, its really wonky as shit. Its kinda hard to explain, its kinda like trying to look at life through a bunch of cellophane. I went to bed for a little while after this and had a shower. My back just spasmed laying down and I just felt so sick, like I was gonna throw up, so I went had a really hot shower. I then decided that I would have some breakthrough pain killers and see if the helped. Its been ages since I have my normal pain killers, so I would have expected them to have kicked in by now.

Dad just said that he was going to clean the yard, my sister says have fun, in a kinda mocking tone. Dad says yeah I love cleaning up dog shit. Her dogs, again not taking responcibility. I feed them, 1/2 the time I open the door for them, I do their water, Dad cleans up after them. My sister shows no gratitude for any of that, in fact she acts like we dont do enough for her. Again, I have minimal responcibility and my sister has a lot, thats not fair apparently so I get a heap of her responcibilities. Maybe I dont have responcibilities because I have so much of other peoples.

I know when I move out I will be adding responcibilities and I will have basically no fall back. Dad wont be there to help me and I dont know how much Mum is going to talk to me in general. Atleast for the first while I doubt she will and after that, especially if Dad does go to the US then she wont be there for me at all. I think the same will go for my sister, the way things are going there they will decide together how to react to Dad leaving and me moving out. If things go wrong with me leaving home, Im on my own and may face homelessnesss. I know this going in, but the alternative is worse. Not having a go at making this work and living how I am now. I have to have a go at getting out and hope that in the process they realise what they've been doing and change. If they dont the relationship between me and the rest of them will be gone altogether.

Im tired, considering how much sleep Ive had I should not be this tired, not even remotely. I really feel out of it, like I dont feel with it, its hard to explain, I feel like an old walkman running out of batteries. Its so hard to concentrate, to stay focused. Im writing a few words or sentences at a time and then focus goes to TV. I think its got to do with the lateness of my morning medications, I take medications every 12 hours and if I go beyond an hour or two of that I get a bit messed up, so going this far over has a big affect.

Im so sick of feeding the dogs, not so much the act of feeding them but the drama behind it. Who gets what, who buys what and its ever changing. As far as I knew the oldest dog got canned food, the rest shared roll. That was easy, but no he only gets canned food if its kangaroo, but given everyone else gets roll why would we have anything different in canned food. Its all over an ear infection, he had a couple and she decided it was food based, so he has been on different diets and settled on kangaroo. Thats fine, but stop changing what you're feeding them. Just stick to the food you get and thats what they eat. In 6 months of hospitalisations we managed to get food and feed them everynight and they just ate what we put down. No problems.

Its like I can be seen through, not like a ghost, but like a projection, like Im without life, like the life force that keeps us going. I keep getting a feeling of vacantcy, like my mind keeps stepping out for a moment and allowing my body to just do whatever. I think its called disassociation, it really sucks, its not a nice feeling at all.

Dad's grumpy, my sister has stuff laying about the place, like rubbish, Maccas drink containers all over the front yard, empty instant latte packets, slippers in the kitchen and apparently you cant get into the laundry at all now. He said as he walked off you cant say anything or she'll take her own life. This I imagine is in reference to something that has been said recently between him and Mum. Thats the latest way my sister gets away with anything she wants because the continual threat is she will take her life. I suppose thats why the kitchen door is open and heater on 28

As I said Im in negative funds, Dad is lending me $200 for a doctors appointment, it is a long one so it will cost more. I havent had anything to smoke since yesterday or any iced coffee. Smoking Im handling ok, I had a real craving for one a little while ago but thats passed now. But the iced coffee, I have really craved that most the day, which I think is weird.

More so because of the weird feeling I have, I thought about going to bed soon, Im kinda tired and I know if I go to bed there is a real good chance Ill fall asleep. But then I had my morning meds really late so I have to hold off on my evening meds which I could get up later for, that might be the way of it. I think there is a good chance Ill have a sleep early tonight and then my meds and then go back to bed. Pain wise my hips have settled, same with my lower back, the extra pain relief has really helped.

Its been a few hours since I wrote anything, Ive been looking at rental pricing, stuff to fill the place. Im gonna see if I can get some futher help through Housing SA. If they can pay bond and upfront rent the rest can land with EAF. Ive had to stop, its not far from tea, Dad has made steak so I decided to have some of that. The weird feeling in my head is getting worse so big part of the reason I stopped, it was like looking at the table behind the screen. Like my world is disappearing on me. Im gonna have some more extra pain killers shortly, after tea, pain is really increasing again.

I had tea and went and laid down for like 3 hours. At one point I had to pee and my sister was in the main loo so I went to Mums. As I was leaving she commented that she would out run me in a race, which she would. Im not moving at all well. Then abruptly she says you smell. Now Ive showered today, fresh clothes, Ive been in bed most the day so not in muck, no deoderant, thats it because having something smelly under my armpits makes the world of difference. I mean really, what is wrong with the natural smell, not even that the body wash I use last 6hrs or something. Why do we feel we must cover up natural for it to be acceptable. It amazes me, since I started showering more frequently the concept of me smelling has become more frequent. Like I went a fortnight or so without a shower and little said, didnt have deoderant on either. The only reason I can think is because my sister sometime ago when I started said about wearing deoderant as part of the showering thing, like always wanting to add to the goal I have with a goal they have.

So the last 24hrs have been very intense, there has been heaps going on.

I just got back from the doctors, some more blood tests to be done as I lost the last lot. We started talking about rehab. Before I start back at work doctor wants me to be doing stuff at home like dishes and whatnot. They are waiting to see how things go after tomorrow's procedure, how I recover etc. before much. They will be looking at my mental state a bit too, its not great as you know but they want some improvement there as well. We are starting a new medication after my procedure tomorrow to help manage my migranes, a side affect of this medication is weight loss, Im pretty keen on that. Most medications have a side affect of weight gain, so weight loss will be a nice change. I lost 4kg in past 10ish days, so if I have something to help encourage that Im keen as.

So this Family Therapy stuff, Dad and I havent really said much in the sessions its been primarily my sister. Mum is supposed to come to the next one and she wants a heads up about whats been said, Dad and I have essentially said what we said already, we wont say what my sister has said because it will cause arguments, there will be that she didnt say that, she didnt mean it that way etc. She will back down. There was an all in about it last night and my sister kept deflecting from her, mainly to dad and she got out from saying what she said, elaborating on what she apparently has told her.

I went back down and talked with Mum a bit more after, partially because I wanted a smoke to be honest, but also carrying on from our earlier converstation, the conversation continued through to this morning as well. First and foremost I wanted Mum to realise that things like the Family Therapy place's poor opinion of Mum is based off something and that is what my sister is saying. I want her to realise that while my sister is being all chummy with Mum all the sudden she has been giving people an impression of Mum that is less than flattering in the background. I didnt give her examples but I pointed out where things like the Family Therapy people think a way about Mum has to be based on something. Then we started uncovering things that my sister is saying that Mum said that Mum says she didnt, there is 2 events in hospital that my sister has said about, one where she was in High Dependancy and Mum said about my sister having a baby or something and the other where Mum asked her to pay a deposit for something from Buy Swap Sell while she was in hospital. Mum says neither happened. Then its Mum added to when my sister was out not sent her out and my sister added while she was out. Mum wants takeaway, turns out my sister instigated that and same with texting at night, not Mum starting something but my sister. All these things that my sister says Mum did or started Mum says she didnt, or atleast she didnt often. Either my Mum is full of shit or my sister is. I said to Mum that she needs to protect herself but I also said that maybe she should consider that Dad and I arent as bigger arseholes as my sister makes out. Mum agreed that my sister complains alot, she is forever winging about something. She goes on about how messy the house is, Mum came down and said to me that most the mess is my sisters. I mean the house was reasonably tidy the whole time my sister was in hospital. I have chores, Im not doing most because of my back but I have them, my sister however doesnt because she does "everything" except no one can define what that is. All I see is her out all day shopping and appointments and then sleeping at the table and screwing around in her room yet again.

Ive been thinking quite a bit over the last little while, as most of you know, and moving out is my overall answer. The way my sister treats me is no longer tolerable. As a rule, my Mum has my sisters back completely and so I get treated like shit from her too. Dad is too scared or something to go anything to support me and stand up for me that its not really worth talking to him about it at all. I will say that Dad said that he has said a number of times that me going back to work is not up to me but my doctor and rehab team, which is pretty major. But overall the support at home is non-existant and the basically abusive behaviour is getting worse. I cant afford to leave home at the moment, financially Im not ready though I have some potential supports in place for that. Medically, Im not ready, I have a procedure tomorrow and another procedure mid August. Im still trying to get my mental health sorted, I know I cant get it completely sorted until I move out but I need to be in a place where I can look after myself and not be such a risk to myself. Im aiming that I will move out spring/summer. I have to get a report from the psychologist and psychiatrist for a grant that I will be applying for so that is a bit of a hold up for me as I havent started with either and it will take a couple of sessions before they will be in a position to write that report. Dad is aware that Im aiming at leaving but not how Im going about it and I wont be telling him, same with my Mum or sister. I wont be telling them how I feel about them and their actions towards me. I dont see the point, they will deny and say Im being too sensitive, it most certainly wont be their fault or they wont accept any responcibility for how I feel etc so nothing will change. I mean Ive proven that my sister is underhanded, there is evidence and deep suspision that she outright lies and steals and I dont expect that anything will change from that. Mum turns more than a blind eye to my sister, she wilfully wears a blindfold when it comes to her. Dad and I are looked at very differently, scrutinised and held to an impossible standard. My sister touts that she is held to a high standard, that she is never good enough etc. but she is given every possible break because of this and everything she does but it turns out all of that is pretty well crap.

What it really now comes down to is protecting myself and I dont see any way in doing that while I live at home, leaving is my only option. I need to go through my posts where Ive written about the abusive stuff and collate everything so I can better describe it to people. I just had my SANE Guided Services appointment and we were talking about the stuff above and it sounds so pathetic. My councillor got that there is a Mum and Sister against Dad and Me, though Dad doesnt defend me or support me in this. I will point out financially I would not be having my procedures without Dads help but for the most part he doesnt defend me against my Mum and sister. I want more than just examples of lame she dumps making phone calls on me. I want to show how I am abused. The minimising my conditions, inflaminng them, the gaslighting etc. Im going to need it when it comes to the psychiatrist and psychologist so they have stuff to show about abuse.

The way Ive been treated pretty much my entire life has led to the way I am, the wanting to leave, the poor relationship and my Mum is so fixated on my sister that she will never see, believe or understand what she is and has been doing to me. My sister is so self absorbed, so interested in being the centre of attention, the only one that matters that she doesnt care what she has and is doing to me. Dad is so terrified or beaten down that him standing up and telling my Mum and sister to back down isnt going to happen, he wont make my sister take care of her responciblities, he knows that will go back to Mum and Mum will back my sister and Dad wont stand up for that. He being broke is pretty well on him now, if he had said something and done more about what was being billed etc and told Mum that they were running out of money and that he cant afford to pay back the willy nilly spending of my sister then maybe. Somewhere there should have been some checks and balances for what was being spent vs what was being billed.

Over the last couple days it has been kinda intense around here, Ive nicked a few smokes from Mum. Today I was out and I got a 20 pack for myself. I said to Mum that I would buy her a 20pack of smokes when I get some money. Dad gets home and says you owe me $60. I ask what for and it was for a pack of smokes for Mum a 40pack. I havent smoked that many. I dont know why I do this, I try and give up and have a weakness, steal some from Mum and she blows a valve and I end up paying heaps for a few packs of smokes which she doesnt even pay for Dad does.

Dad seems like he is in a really foul mood, I get he just drove with Mum for about an hour and he is never happy after that, but the heat does seem a bit directed at me. Though not unusual he does have a tendancy to do that, get the shits with Mum or my sister and I wear part of it. Could be what Ive said to her, none of its a lie or even twisted, but got Mum upset and she will twist etc and mull over things and make it out to what its not and he probably wore some of that, me being involved in instigating it, despite being true it was an argument or discussion that could have been ignored. Thats one thing if something discussion wise, that upsets the apple cart, like me saying the way Im being treated and standing up for myself, if that causes him to be involved he will have a problem with me. I should have just worn it and shut up, done what he does and become miserable and somewhat spineless, I mean he doesnt just not stand up for me, he doesnt stand up for himself.

The procedure is tomorrow, Im not worried about the actual thing, Ive been put under so many times I couldnt count them all, its the after part. How much pain Im going to be in afterwards this time and the big one, does this one actually work, do I have a third pain source, I suppose thats possible though rare. It is playing on my mind alot though. I am pretty excited at the prospect of not being in pain, almost be happy if I got rid of the spasms and the muscle tightening, I dont know how to explain it but the muscles in my legs randomly tighten really really painfully tight.

I think I said earlier Im stopping one of my psych meds and starting a new one for my migranes later this week. Ive explained to both parents that they need to be watchful of me for weird behaviour. Dropping the psych med could cause more psychotic issues, which is kinda interesting because Im having visual and tactile hallucinations and my disaccociation is pretty bad. I talk to my family about these things and its like I told them I got a paper cut, there is no offer for help, Im not even convinced they understand what 1/2 of it means. Anyhow the migrane medication can interact with some of my current meds and cause issues so they have to look out for weirdness for the next week or so. I honestly dont think they realise the kinds of medications Im on and how much of an effect they can have on me when Im taking them and when Im comming off them.

Its the same story of my life with pretty much all my medical stuff, its never as bad as I say, even if I repeat what doctors have said word for word, Im never as sick as I make out, Im always over medicated, Im never in the amount of pain I say any of it. Even with my mental health, I hallucinate, they have never asked what the hallucinations are about, how they can help, anything, its just I say I have them, they dont see them having an affect on me because I hide most of it, but in the end like everything else I am pretty much on my own to deal with these things myself. It seems to me that they are too busy and to involved in my sister and her problems to give any time or effort to mine. Like always, my sister takes centre stage and Im left to try and work shit out on my own, for myself. Yes Dad takes me too and from procedures, yes he has helped me financially. But appointments, etc thats all me. Learning about the illnesses I have, I do that ofcourse but they dont, if they do look into something its always contradictory to my research. Ive got a point where I give my family relevant facts from appointments etc. but nothing more. I dont elaborate, I dont really go into my symptoms etc anymore, if I do its just facts, not how I feel. I mean my tactile hallucinations are scary as hell, I freak out but now days its only the first little bit that I do, once I realise its the same thing as before I calm down, roll over and go to sleep. I told Mum a brief version of this, I got more reaction asking for a smoke than I do saying anything like this. I have pretty well always have had to deal with shit myself, but Ive more accepted that my parents are never going to show me the level of care or understanding they do my sister and they are never going to be nearly as involved. After all the years Ive dealt with things myself Im not gonna start having them come to appointments so there is evidence that what I tell them is the truth, Im not going to have them anymore involved than they are now. They believe what Im saying or they dont, it doesnt change the facts, it would make things easier for me, it would mean that I might have some support but its not gonna happen. Mum was on about parents needing to step up and that, and I said to her that Im doing it on my own, where as my sister had all this support from me and Dad and here I am doing it on my own and my sister is hounding me for more stuff because its too much for her, even with all the support. Mum agrees with me, says about parents needing to stand up and at no point did she offer to stand up for me, to provide me support, anything. Yeah your on you're own, hope you're good with that.

I said to Mum last night about the number of procedures Ive had this year, that after the one in August it would be an average of one a month. She replied a word I cant say on here. I dont think she realised just how many Ive had. Then I said I have only 1 more potentially, a TURBT, thats the removal of a tumor in my bladder if they find a one. Ive had one before, its about my Bladder Cancer. You would expect that that would be something she would know, she would know about my Bladder Cancer but no, no idea. That kinda hurt a bit, that something as serious as cancer she doesnt know something as simple and common as a TURBT.

I felt really unwell when I went to bed last night, I was in so much pain in my abdomen. I thought I had massive wind or something. I really felt aweful. I went to bed hoping that it would wear off but after a couple hours I started to sweat, like sweat, sweat. I went out for a smoke and nearly fell over a few times, I just kept getting really dizzy. I sat down to have a smoke and just sat there and TMI WARNING, I really thought I was going to blow up and I raced to the toilet and got there just in time, I was there for quite a while, it was a lot. I was still sweating like heaps, keep in mind its about 4 degrees in the middle of the night. I fell into the door a few times before I got my self together again. I went outside and did have a smoke and cooled off. I went back to bed, but had to dry my head off with a towel. I felt better since but it was weird as hell, Ive never had anything like it. We stopped the pain patch not too long ago so Im assuming its opiod withdrawal.

I woke up for the 3rd or 4th time for the night at 4:30am, its a bit after 5am. I need to be up at 6:30am for the procedure so I have basically given up for the night. I really havent been able to settle tonight. The lumbar pain is not fantastic tonight/this morning which is making it hard to sleep, Im a bit anxious, the pain I was in after the last ablation in my SI joint was amazing and Im concerned about that happening again. Im really just concerned about the outcome, how much more pain ill be in, etc.

I always get fairly embarrased with procedures. Im a big guy and the stuff they give you to wear while you wait etc is always too small, like always and way too small and they hardly ever have any options for bigger people, the hospital my pain specialist works out of has nothing. I dont understand why they cant supply something but more so why I have to bother with it all. I always end up in my underwear for my procedures so why do I have to get into a gown to get out of it again. Thats where I get more embarassed, I have really bad acne and I get bad boils which is pretty embarrassing.

The hardest thing Ive found with procedures is not being able to drink (much) before them. I drink quite a bit normally, a lot of the reason being dry mouth from my medications. Then all the sudden nothing to drink for 2 hours before the procedure, thats a long time without a drink for me and it doesnt stop there, you have hours to wait potentially for the actual surgery, you have atleast an hour before you have the chance to have the procedure going through all the changing cloths, going through endless paperwork and checks. Then you wait for a while in, well where Im going, 3 seperate waiting areas. There is a lot of waiting and then some more. All Im waiting for is to have a blasted drink, then ofcourse a sandwich because thats the best they can come up with though where Im going have these little cupcake things that are awesome.

Mum and I have talked a little lately and she said a couple things that have stood out. For around 6 months she was having what she is calling unconscious collapses. I lost count on about trips she had. No one could find a cause and then they stopped. The primary theory was over dosing on prescription medication but she swears she wasn't. Now she has reduced the dose of a med and she is saying that was the cause. Oddly however in hospital where her meds were controlled she wasn't having the collapse. Like in no other setting than her room could the issue be replicated. So I am wanting to believe the reduction solved it but I really think something dodgy was happening and she stopped doing it.

Mum was also on about how she cant do stuff, how she needs sleep more etc which makes sense to me given her issues with her heart. I dont have an issue with it but telling people you're gonna do this or that the following day over and over and not doing what you said. By now you should know your limits and requirements and start working with them and making better commitments which will stop so much frustration and anger when you repeatedly sleep in or through the day leaving people hanging for the entire day. It's rude to continually make plans and just not rock up, more so because you have decided to sleep. Again I get it but don't commit to stuff if repeatedly you are unable to do it.

There is so many stories being told between Mum and my sister. She said this no I didn't, you said that but that's not what I meant. It's kinda so childish. Own up and take accountability for what you said and repeat what was actually said not what makes you look the best. I dont know which one to believe and I've got to the point where they're equally full of shit and I don't have time for either.

I'm considering making an appointment for the Family Therapy stuff and if no one else wants to go I'll take Mum so she knows what's happening.

After an hour wait im finally in a gown but come to a halt again. I have no idea why I had to come in so early. Very frustrated. They have just done the admission stuff and I'm the next procedure. Im pretty keen at the moment to just get in there and get it done. The gown wasn't bad size wise but the dressing gown is too small. My back is really painful today but my shoulder is killing me. Being in the undersized dressing gown is not helping at all.

So procedure done and Im home, Im in a lot of pain, Ive had extra pain meds and will have more soon. They offered me two at the hospital but with my other meds I wasnt sure how it would affect me as I havent done it before so I stuck with one. Id rather do 2 at home where if I get all messed up in the head I can go to bed and sleep it off, not have to get in a car and drive home, but the amount of pain Im in I wish I went with the 2. Im probably gonna run out before next Tuesday though of what I have, which is when I see my pain GP next, so I might have to see if I can get into a duty doctor and they will prescribe me some more, no guarentee of that though.

I got one more procedure for the year, a Cystoscopy. If thats clear thats it, if there is a tumor then there will be a TURBT to remove it, but that will be it hopefully. The Cystoscopies have to be repeated every 6months for the next 5 years. I will have them after that, just less often, Im pretty sure they happen regularly for the rest of my life. The procedure I had today gets repeated every 6-9 months, or when the pain returns, for the rest of my life. Financially its a fair commitment. The Cystoscope is just the gap payable so works out to like $320 each time, which is a good bit of change but the procedure I had today is approx $2000 upfront with $8-900 rebated, if thats twice a year its seriously gonna add up. Not to mention medicatons, appointments and specialist, ongoing medical costs are rising and play an even bigger role in my finacial landscape. I did find out that the Psychiatrist Im going to be seeing should be bulk billed which is a big help. Psychologist is I think $180 a session which is a lot better than Ive been charged in the past.

Im working on my budget at the moment, one for now and one for in the future to show I can afford to move out and what sacrifices Id need to make. I contacted my financial councillor today and sorta high level explained my plans. It does likely mean going bankrupt in the near future, I have a lot of debt I have been carrying for many many years and they would imped me leaving home and escaping the treatment I endure which is a priority for me. I have fought the idea of bankruptcy for years, but its now at a point where I dont really have a choice. I have sent an email to HR to see if its even possible for me to go bankrupt without losing my job. Given I work in a bank etc. its possible that Im not allowed to go bankrupt.

I will have to get a lot in place before I tell my family, Dad is aware that Im moving out, but I dont think he actually believes I am or can. I have a good potential for getting a grant that will cover most the costs of moving out, if I can get help from Housing SA given my circumstances then that would allow me to use more from the grant on furniture etc while Housing SA takes care of the Bond.

For some reason my Dad has not come down and fed the dogs, I cant do it tonight, thats fairly obvious so really he should be down feeding them by now. He came down finally, the dogs are going mental, its like 2 hours past their tea time.

I am in so much pain now that I am pretty nauseated, Ive taken a double dose of extra pain meds and see if that helps along with all my normal meds so I dare say the pain will subside and drowsyness will come in its place. I dont think I could eat at the moment so probably end up having something late tonight or early tomorrow morning. Right at the moment I dont care about food or anything much else, I want the pain to go away. Im doing my best to manage it with distraction, Im writing obviously but Ive got the TV going and Im bouncing between the two, when Im in too much pain from writing I watch TV.

Its weird, since I realised that Im being abused, I always knew I was mistreated but never put it to abuse until recently but since then I have been calmer and much calmer about potentially going bankrupt. That always freaked me out, because I didnt want my parents etc to be out money. Now I really dont give a shit. I mean, just had surgery and Im in immense pain and my Dad says "you dealing with tea for yourself tonight" like no offer to actually make it, fortunately Im too nauseaiated to eat but it would have been nice of him to offer rather than put it on me for my dinner.

I just got a call from my clinic about a mix up with an upcoming appointment, we sorted it out and then I made an appointment for tomorrow as Im running out of extra pain meds. My doctors arent there the rest of the week so they are going to get me in with some random and maybe I will get some pain meds, maybe I wont. Im not overly confident. I dealing with this and my Dad start giving me the finger and bouncing about. I had no idea what he was on about so I finished what I was doing and then asked. He was on about his infected finger, he wanted me to make his appointment. I have been in hospital all day and he has been home and could have made his damn appointment. We just had a meeting where I said I just want to deal with myself at the moment, he even made fun of that when I asked what he was on about. He needs to see a doctor about it, no question but hes 64 years old, he can make a doctors appointment. You know the number of appointments I have to book, I was in recovery today and I was booking an appointment getting ready to leave. I have heaps, so I know that its easy to make appointments, I know you can go online and make appointments and thats simple. But FFS just leave me out of it. Deal with your own medical needs.

The meds I took have started to kick in, its like 6:30pm. Im still in a fair amount of pain, the pain killers should have kicked in by now. Seriously the amount of pain medication Ive taken/ am on I really shouldnt be in pain, honestly I should be comfortable at least but no, Im in pain when I breath in, it I cant describe the pain and now Im really starting to feel drowsy and wonky and out of it and in pain, its not a nice feeling. So Im going to bed for as long as I can, Im not overly confident about how I will go laying down but Ill give it a go.

I didnt last long in bed, about an hour but not for the reason I thought, I laid down and was instantly pain free. I laid down for a while but all fidgity, which Im not suprised, I get that way with this extra pain relief. I had gotten over it with just the one tablet but 2 kicked it into gear again. Im not in pain so the nausea went away and I felt hungry so I eventually got up and Im waiting for my meal to cool. Sitting up though the pain is coming back but not bad. I wonder if its the pain killers I chucked down my neck or if things are calming down, the pain isnt supposed to last long and then all pain is gone. Thats the idea but it hasnt worked out that way in the past, but maybe this time it will pan out like it should. Im really energetic, like Ive slept for a month and then drunk a heap of espresso, but I am keeping it reighed in because Im not in heaps of pain and I want to keep it that way.

I was laying in bed kinda thinking about things, one of the main thoughts was about telling my family that I was leaving. I dont want to go into the whole well you're being abusive etc. I kinda think my sister has ruined that with what she is doing and I dont want to open that tin of worms at all, like I dont feel the need to talk to them about the abusive behaviour, how they make me feel etc. I dont see the point, nothing will change, if I thought it would then I would be staying not moving out. Bringing it up only starts an argument where my feelings are reinforced because I will be dismissed and it will be turned around on me. Again if I thought bringing it up would do anything but the above then I would stay. So I talking about things is off the table. I will have everything in place when I tell them all going well, I want to have the date to move in to the property and removalist booked. I will buy the furniture etc after those things are booked in and have them delivered. Probably after the the move in date, I can live a few days without the stuff Ill buy, except maybe for the fridge/freezer, Im playing with the freezer thing, they normally arent overly big on the fridge but I need a fair bit of freezer space for all the lite n easy, Im tempted to get one of those small freezers for my lite n easy. Might start buying a month at a time, its a big saving.

I wasnt very worried about where I move to, like suburb. I could move to the city or I could stay local. I like the idea of the city because the chance of bumping into my family is basically nothing but if I stay local then I stay with my support network, everyone I work with are here. Likelyhood I will change pharmacy, Im not sure which one too, will depend on where I actualy end up moving too. Its kinda a shame because they are really good, the one that my sister goes too would be an option for me but I dont much like their Webster Packs or their service, though they are open much later and more often which will be good when I go back to work. But apart from the pharmacy nothing else would need to change. If I went to the city everything would have to change or I would add 45min at least to driving to appointments. Neither is appealing

I really want chocolate but we have none and Im not allowed to drive until tomorrow afternoon. I raided the pantry and found only average lollies and they havent hit the spot at all. Good news I found some chocolate. My back is sore but not bad. Maybe this time we arre on a winner. Ive calmed down, not nearly as figity so Im gonna try going to bed again